First Journey

By Sarabeth Matilsky

Part One – The Beginning

Prologue

Weather was far from my thoughts as I rolled down a small hill onto the enormous Mississippi floodplain. After two months on the road, I’d finally met two cyclists who were also riding the TransAm trail. Last night we had decided to ride together for a couple days. It's not like with Nate, I assured myself. You rode with him because you were scared to be alone. You're over that with Jeff and Wyeth—you just like their company. It was true. I couldn't remember when I'd laughed as much as I had at last night's dinner. These guys were fun—not like Nate with his proselytizing and mean jokes.

We stopped for lunch at a small ball field on Grimsby Road, and ate cheese and bread on the bleachers. That was when we idly took note of the raindrops and the sky, which was slightly more overcast than it had been in the morning.

"It's only drizzling," said Wyeth. We weren't worried—after all, we were experienced cycletourists who had already ridden over a thousand miles. We put our bikes under a tree and kept eating and talking and laughing. We paid no heed to the darkening sky straight ahead.

It wasn’t until we were about to mount our bicycles that Jeff exclaimed, “Look at that sky!” For the first time, my eyes focused on the horizon; and for the first time I was worried. In the last few minutes, the sky had turned angrier than I'd ever seen a sky. Billowing black clouds were rushing towards us, and even as we watched they formed a sort of tunnel overhead. Behind us to the east were the last remaining patches of blue. To the west was a solid gray wall of water moving closer and closer over the floodplain. One of us wondered if it was tornado season. Someone else suggested that we get going—now.

Within ten seconds the plan was put into action, and we raced down the road, funneled toward the storm by strong winds. We saw a dot that was a building way ahead, but it was too far to reach in time. As we resigned ourselves to getting completely soaked and possibly whisked away by a tornado, we continued to pump as fast as we could, surrounded by the pale, eerie light of the oncoming storm.

Then it got really quiet. We knew we were in for it, and Jeff said, “Look now! You don’t see something like this every day.” We looked, since we couldn’t help it, feeling extremely small.

Two seconds later, a pick-up truck pulled over beside us. An older woman leaned out the window and said unnecessarily, “It’s gonna storm!” We nodded. “Y'all need shelter quick,” she continued, “or y'all are gonna get reeeeeal wet! Mah house is raht around that bend, yella with pink trim—get goin'! I’m headin’ to church, but if you trust me, I’ll trust you. Make yorselves at home." The drizzle was full-fledged rain now, and I wiped my glasses to see our savior more clearly. Her eyes surveyed us sharply, but kindly.

"Thanks!" we chorused, not asking any questions. We started to pedal toward heaven awaiting us around the bend at a yellow house with pink trim.

"The key's between the screen and the door," the lady yelled after us. "And there's bananas on top o’ the fridge. My name's Ruby Dallas. And oh!" she fairly screamed into the howl of the wind, "Y'all kin do my dishes if you feel like it! Stay the night if you need to!” The noise of her pick-up as she drove off was drowned out by the intense drumming of raindrops on our helmets.

I pedaled faster than I could ever remember pedaling, two inches behind Jeff's rear wheel, straight into the wall of black clouds. We rounded the bend, saw the house—and then, about thirty seconds before we reached the door, the storm hit in earnest. The water slammed into us with force, huge balls of water that made it easy to believe that some malevolent God was pouring out his fury in the form of raindrops over the Mississippi.

We reached the porch gasping and completely drenched. And then, while the storm raged for another hour, we lazed on a couch with playing cards and a newspaper. Wyeth and I did the dishes.

Less than two hours later, the sky in the west was clear and bright and we rolled along the flood plain and wondered whether it had all been a dream. Our clothes were still damp, though, and we knew we'd be forever indebted to a small woman named Ruby who had told three total strangers, “If you trust me, I’ll trust you.”

One – The First Ride

Secretly, I had high hopes. I thought that maybe my ride across the country would be fodder for an emotionally riveting, epic memoir. Reality struck on day one.

"I can't believe I'm doing this I can't believe I'm doing this I can't believe I'm doing this…" My voice trailed off and my front wheel wobbled crazily as I pedaled. "You're nuts, Sara, you're nuts, you're nuts, you're nuts."

I tried to pull myself together. "Okay," I told myself, "I'm in Williamsburg, Virginia. I wanted a challenge. I'm about to start riding my bike across the country, and today is going to be a nice, short, warm-up ride."

"Yeah right!" I said aloud. "Don't you remember the one time this year I rode more than fifteen miles? Remember what happened? I thought I'd drop dead, that's what happened. This plan is dumb, stupid, and impossible. Just look at me! It's my first ride and I can't even pedal in a straight line!"

I braked and stood in the middle of the road, straddling my top tube under the cheery Virginia sky. Exactly .4 miles ago, I had begun a 20-mile "test ride." So far, I had stopped every few yards to try to calm my front wheel, which was shimmying like mad. I reached mile 3.2 before I gave up and wobbled back to camp.

Later, I poked and prodded, pumped up the tires, unloaded everything from the front rack except my handlebar bag, tightened and loosened various screws, felt frustrated and incapable, and considered catching the next bus home. Then I discovered the simple cause of the shimmy: too much weight in my handlebar bag.

I'm nuts, I thought, staring somewhat unbelievingly at my bicycle. It stood shiny and innocent against a tree. My odometer said 6.5. I had this feeling it was going to be a really big country.

≈

In the evening, I sat by the James River and watched the sun sink down. Waves lapped the sand, the chilly wind toyed with my hair, and my thoughts were less hysterical—mainly because I was exhausted.

What if I can't meet the challenges this summer? Yeah—then what?

A few months before I left on the trip, I wrote in my journal:

…I want to push myself more than I can at home. I want to meet people who haven’t known me since the day I was born, and who don't know that I'm homeschooled. I want to figure out who I am, separate from everyone else in my family. I want to see if I can take care of myself, by myself.

Lately, I’ve felt like there's a rope tied around me, pulling me toward the crevasse that lies between myself now and Something Else. That rope is tugging so hard now, making me scramble over and around all sorts of physical and mental obstacles. It's not that I want to go so much as I have to. I want to see what happens when all I need to do is live up to my own expectations.

But so far, being alone wasn't supplying any earth-shattering revelations. Camping without my family was mostly just strange. Tonight there had been no one to talk to, no one to laugh with, and no one to gape at the sunset with me. When my stove sent five-foot flames into the air and acted like it was going to explode, there was no one to take care of it except me. And I was the one who had to figure out that camp meals better be quick-cooking if I didn’t want to use a gallon of Coleman fuel per week.

What if my stove really does explode? Comet Hyakutake started to come over the tops of the trees, and as I sat on a piece of driftwood, gazing at the stars, I was that infinitesimal dot in the universe—so incredibly tiny. How do my challenges fit into the immensity of what’s up there? It made me shiver. I wasn’t lonely, exactly, but I missed the security of other people to keep me on track.

Then the light was gone, and I watched the river for a long time, alone on a pinpoint of beach in Virginia with nothing except my thoughts.

≈

The following Sunday, I camped in an RV park in Ashland, Virginia. Americamps was a typical, just-off-the-Interstate "campground," with rows and rows of parking spaces and a few token pine trees guarding the entrance. Next door was a strip mall that advertised Lodging Food and Gas.

What a rip-off, I thought as I paid my $20 fee to the unsmiling receptionist.

I sat at my picnic table and wrote all evening. I’d left my family’s home in New Jersey exactly a week ago, and I had to admit that my journal entries still weren’t filled with incredible tales of daring adventure. The gist of my days was pretty much, “I rode my bike today, and sometimes the roads went uphill and sometimes they went down.”

“I wonder when it’ll get…harder?” I wondered. A couple of hours later, as I tucked into my sleeping bag, rain drops began to pound on my tiny tent.

My campsite turned into a sandpit with no drainage that night, and because of that and the dull roar of the highway, I didn't sleep much. I could feel water sloshing under my nylon floor and I worried that my bike would get wet. I even got up to check on it, and then was immediately sheepish. It wasn’t like my Panasonic bicycle would melt if a few raindrops touched it.

As soon as the sun rose, I pedaled into the hazy Virginia morning. Then the wind began to blow, hard and fast, right in my face. Every time I changed direction, the wind turned too, trying to push me back to the coast, back home to NJ, back to the time before I’d ever decided to go on this stupid bike trip in the first place. I guess I got what I wished for! I thought glumly. Who ever said that harder is better, anyway!?

To top it all off, in the tiny town of Scotchtown I discovered that I'd gotten my period. I groaned at the thought of four more hours on my bike seat, but I pedaled on anyway, while dogs chased me, thunder boomed not too far away, and the road went on for what seemed like eternity. I have to get to the town of Mineral. That much was clear in my mind as I pedaled through the deserted and brown, not-yet-springtime of the rural south.

"Winds're supposed to get to 60 miles an hour this afternoon," the clerk warned me, at the post office in the singularly-named town of Bumpass. “You’ll wanna get off the road pretty soon.” As I rode up the next hill out of town, a sudden gust shoved me into the center of the lane where I narrowly missed colliding with a passing station wagon.

"Aahgh!" I yelled in surprise, and my voice came out as a strangled sound that I didn't recognize. Next minute I turned onto Indian Creek Road, and the road surface was no longer paved; I almost fell off my bike as the wheels slid wildly on the gravel. I got off and began to walk. The landscape was surreal and suddenly unfriendly, and I felt like I was walking and moving nowhere at all. It was me and the wind and the trees, still sharp silhouettes against the sky. Their bare branches rattled, and gravel crunched under my feet and the wheels of my bike. The speedometer read 2 mph.

“I wonder how slow I can make the bike go and still have the computer register!?” I said out loud, exasperated. “1.8…...1.7…...” Then the screen flashed zero mph, and I looked away from the cycle-computer in disgust. I covered it up for the rest of the day. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Will the road ever end? Crunch. Crunch. I wonder. Crunch…

Disheveled and muttering disagreeable things to myself, I arrived at camp in the afternoon after walking for the last 2 miles. And then I began to understand why people, down through the ages, have pushed themselves to physical and emotional extremes while in search of adventure. As I stood over my handlebars on that April afternoon, an indescribable warmth came from somewhere inside and completely de-chilled my body. It was an addicting sort of feeling.

Two – How it All Began

When I left the coast of Virginia on my bicycle in March 1997, I was in fairly rotten shape. I'd barely trained, and pedaling up slight inclines left me breathless. But subconsciously, I’d planned it that way. On some level, I knew that if I understood the real difficulties I'd face on my journey, I wouldn't end up going.

Before I decided to ride my bike across the country, my main interests were nice girly things like dancing, playing piano, reading, and acting in plays. I certainly never liked sports. I lived at home with my parents and my four younger siblings. My father was a professor at Rutgers University, and my mother stayed home since all five of us were homeschooled. We lived with our cats on a shady side street in a small town in central New Jersey.

Then in August 1996, I went to a camp in Oregon for homeschooled teenagers. I met people my age who were leading youth activist groups, traveling through Europe, publishing magazines, and playing in orchestras. Not Back To School Camp was a catalyst. That week I decided that I wanted to do something Big, too.

On August 31 I was in the Seattle airport, along with ten of my new friends, preparing for my red-eye trip home from camp. I was not looking forward to the flight. “There's got to be a better way to travel!” I said to my friend Ben. “My neck's already stiff, these chairs are uncomfortable, and I hate the feeling when the plane lifts off. In fact, I don’t like traveling by plane. It’s stupid.”

The next moment, as the clock on the wall clicked to 10:01 p.m., I said, “I’m going to ride my bicycle to camp next year.”

“Really?” Ben asked. Then, “Hey—I wanna go too!”

Really? Had I just said I wanted to ride my bike across the country? “Yes,” I said firmly, “I’m going to get to camp by bicycle next summer.”

By bicycle? Are you nuts? I asked myself. You’ve barely ridden more than 15 miles at a time, you know next to nothing about bike mechanics and even less about bicycle touring. And anyway, you don't like bicycling very much.

“Wouldn’t that be cool?” I continued to Ben, almost as if someone else were talking for me. “And wouldn't it be so neat if a bunch of us got together and rode as a group? We could take a few months and…”

I continued to chatter but I was far away, wondering at the decision I had just made. Later, on the bike trip itself, I learned a lot about strength—what it is, what it takes, how it feels to have it—and as I sat on the scratchy chairs in the Seattle Airport I was beginning to feel glimmers of what was to come.

≈

Later that fall, a family friend told me about the Adventure Cycling Association’s TransAmerica Bike Trail.

“It started in ’76,” Ray said. “A bunch of cyclists made a route from Virginia to Oregon on public roads, and they called it ‘Bikecentennial.’ You might wanna look into it.”

Ray’s eyes were wistful. “The route goes through some beautiful places out west… If you get the maps, can I look at them? I’ve always wanted to do something like this.” I was to see that wistful look on countless men’s (and some women’s) faces in the next ten months.

After some research, I decided to take the TransAm Trail. I would have detailed maps, my parents would know my route, and I’d be meeting other cyclists. Two to three hundred people ride the Trail each year, my maps told me, and I anticipated joining a rolling community.

I took a Grayhound bus to Williamsburg, Virginia on March 24, 1997. When I rode from Williamsburg to Yorktown and back on March 26, for a total of 43.82 miles, there were no other touring cyclists riding down the shady highway. And even though the Trail's official beginning was at the Yorktown Victory Monument, viewing the white pillar somehow didn't fill me with anticipatory ecstasy.

Later on during the trip I would come to appreciate the ACA maps for their detail and information listings, but on that cold March afternoon when my trip officially began, all I noticed were staring eyes of strangers appraising me and my bike. At the visitor center, a man came over to ask where I was headed. I sheepishly explained that I planned to ride my bike to Oregon—and yes, I was alone. To his credit, the man was polite, and wandered off without saying, “You’re out of your mind!"

Before I'd left home, incredulous friends and acquaintances kept saying, "I could never do that! I'd be scared!"

Did they think I wouldn't be? I wondered, as I pedaled back toward Williamsburg.

Three – Forgetting

Several weeks into my trip, I regressed to talking to myself. “I hate dogs!” I shouted to the unresponsive forest one chilly Friday afternoon. “I hate them, I hate them, I hate them, I hate them!” By the end of the day’s ride, I was extremely glad that it was over. Lately it seemed that dogs never stopped chasing me. They lived at every house, guarded every driveway, and they universally held a strong animosity for humans on bicycles. I turned into the entrance of Sterling Mountain Community with a genuine sigh of relief. I would be staying here till Sunday, and my delight at that was certain: No more dogs for two days. I shushed myself quickly.

Down the drive I went, bumping and rattling past some gardens and a few houses set apart from each other by trees. The sign at the last driveway said, "Lou and Rose."

An old woman with a cane stood by the door of a small house that overlooked the valley. She had white hair and more wrinkles than I’d ever seen. When she turned toward me, her sweet, simple smile made the wrinkles deepen and crease her face. A younger woman stood next to her, filling small pots with topsoil. A girl stood on her other side, absorbed in the same task, and as I walked over, a man came out of the house. He was tall and walked slowly, purposefully, his eyes patient and kind. He looked at me, but although he smiled, I saw sadness in his face. “You must be Sarabeth,” he said. “Welcome to Sterling Mountain Community. I’m Lou, this is my wife, Rose, our daughter Stella, and our granddaughter Alex. What would you like to do first? Are you hungry? Do you want to rest?”

“Actually,” I said, “could I set up my stuff and take a shower?” Suddenly I was so tired, not physically—the ride had been short—but emotionally, because of my fear of those dumb dogs.

“Of course,” Lou replied, “come in and I’ll show you where everything is.” As I walked by, Rose looked at me a little vacantly with her crinkly smile.

“We’re planting tomatoes!” she said brightly. “Are you a new person here?”

I smiled back uncertainly, and said, “No, I’m just here for a visit. My name’s Sarabeth.”

“That’s nice,” Rose said, “Where will you stay? Are you staying with us?” Lou gently interrupted his wife, and led me into the house.

The front porch was enclosed with glass, and several cats looked at me inquiringly from their windowsill perches. “Years ago, we planned to make this a greenhouse,” Lou said. “This year we’ve started to finish it so it can actually be used for one.” He pointed over to several tidy flats of seedlings, soaking up the sun that poured in the windows.

“Now," Lou said, once we were inside, "where would you like to sleep? You’re welcome to sleep inside, of course, but—ah—as you may know, my wife has Alzheimer’s Disease and sometimes roams the house at night.” I told him that my tent was perfectly fine. “Also,” he continued, “let me tell you a little about Rose so you aren't alarmed by her. Basically, she's in the more debilitating stages of the disease, and must be taken care of twenty-four hours a day. She often forgets where she is, and she probably won’t remember you from one minute to the next. Respect is all that is necessary, just a smile and a gentle answer to her questions.”

I set up my tent outdoors next to the orchard. The view was beautiful, but Lou said that when the house was first built you could see farther. Back then, there were no trees growing on the hill where now a pine and birch forest flourished.

After my shower, I read a magazine in the living room and allowed my tightly wound nerves to relax a little. Then Lou came in and asked me if I wanted to hear about the community and get the grand tour. “I don’t want to rush you,” he said, “but Stella’s only watching Rose at her house until four, so now would be a good time for me.”

“Okay,” I said, settling back on the couch, “now’s fine.”

“Rose and I started Sterling Mountain Community in 1980,” Lou began. His speech was measured and precise, his sentences carefully constructed. “In 1987, the land was put into a regional community land trust with another community organization…”

He interrupted himself then. “Part of the reason we were excited to have you stay with us is that we thought you truly wanted to learn. We seldom get letters from young people. And actually, you’re the only visitor we’ve had in over a year. We had decided not to have any guests for awhile while we made some changes in our community structure. But when we heard from you, as I said, we wanted to make an exception…”

How do people lead interesting and fulfilling lives in different places? Staying with people as I traveled seemed like a good way to find out. Before I left, I found some families and communities (including Sterling Mountain) in Growing Without Schooling magazine and The Directory of Intentional Communities who were willing to host me when I came through their area.

As we sat in the small, dimly lit living room, and Lou continued to talk, I could tell he was in his element. His community was his passion, and I could especially see that when we went outside. We walked past my tent, down past the fruit trees to a path at the bottom of the steeply sloping hill. He showed me the community school, the pond, and the gardens I'd seen when I rode in. Everywhere we went, he stepped with care.

Lou loved the place deeply, and he knew its every quirk and loveliness. He was convinced that places like Sterling Mountain could be sustainable and fulfilling places to live, and for the past 45 years he and his wife lived in intentional communities. Now, as I stood looking at him, I realized why there was such sadness in his smile. It wasn’t only that his wife was sick, but that he had lost his dearest friend. I could imagine them having conversations about politics, about philosophy, about their plans for the future—when Rose was well. I could see them raising their children, helping each other through the trials and tribulations in the early days of SMC, each of them supporting and helping the other remain strong. Now Rose was like a baby, and Lou had to find all the strength within himself, as his wife slowly—painfully slowly—lost all of what she remembered or realized. He was a strong man, I decided as I listened. Most people would not have had the strength (nor maybe the ability) to keep Rose out of a nursing home, but Lou had forsaken many things he loved to have the time to be with her. How lonely it must be.

Now we had come back around to Rose and Lou’s house, and Lou said, “Rose will be home in a few minutes. I will have to be here, but you’re welcome to visit anyone in the community—Andrew and Jane are probably home, and you can explore wherever you please.” But I had spied a piano in the corner of the living room, and I decided to stay and play for a while.

I was still playing when Rose came in, and she immediately noticed the music. “How nice,” she said, smiling brightly, “you play well! Who are you, dear?”

“I’m Sarabeth,” I said, “and I’m going to stay with you for a couple of days.

“How nice!” she said again, as I kept playing. “Oh Lou! This girl says she’s going to stay with us! Isn’t that nice? Where will you sleep?” she asked with sudden concern. Then, before I had a chance to answer, she said, “What pretty music. What’s your name?” But then she stopped talking and just listened.

The old instrument tinkled loudly in the quiet room, and as the dust flew off the keys, I played from the books of old music that stood faded and forgotten on top of the piano. I played “September Song” and I realized that Rose was singing with me. She remembered the words, and sang until the song ended.

“Brava!” she cried, clapping her hands, “That was so beautiful! I used to play once,” she said, a glimmer coming into her eyes. She looked down at her wrinkled hands, and said wistfully, “Now I hardly remember... Remember Lou?” she said to her husband, who was cooking in the kitchen. “We used to sing together!” She shuffled into the kitchen and said, “Play again.” I played, and out of the corner of my eye I saw husband and wife in the doorway, singing. The music changed what I could see, and there was a young Lou and Rose, a Rose without forgetfulness—and I cried silent tears onto the dirty piano keys. The music lightened the cold house, made it warmer and happier, and I wished that the song would never end.

But it did. Rose sighed, and the magic was broken. “Lou, when’s lunch?” she asked.

“We’ll be having dinner in half an hour,” her husband said gently.

“Oh, dinner,” she said, “I’d forgotten about that. Lou!”—suddenly she was urgent— “when are we going home?”

“We are home, Rose.”

“But I don’t know this place,” she said pettishly, “I want to go home to the community. I know we aren’t home. Why are you fooling me?” She was getting upset, and Lou began to soothe her, talking about Sterling Mountain.

“...and we’re all here, Rose,” he finished, “Stella and our sons and your friend Lila and we are all going to take care of you. You have Alzheimer’s. It’s a disease that makes you forget things. But I’ll keep reminding you. Now you go read your magazine and I’ll finish your dinner.”

“Oh yes,” said Rose, sniffling a little, “that’s right. I’ll go wait.” And she settled herself onto the couch, already forgetting her concerns of a moment before.

≈

The cold April wind beat my tent all night, flapping the outer fly back and forth. “Smack! Smack!” I rolled around my tent, tossing and turning uncomfortably, and I dreamt about Rose. Her vacant, sweet smile seemed always in front of my eyes. I couldn’t turn away from her, couldn’t get the smile away, and wherever I looked she was there, saying something over and over and over again until I felt sure I was screaming and going crazy. I wasn’t screaming when I woke up though, just crumpled in a corner of my tent with my sleeping bag all twisted around me. It wasn’t an uplifting beginning to the day.

Rose was on the porch when I went inside, shuffling around with her cane. “Sweet kitty,” she crooned to the cat that was eyeing her disapprovingly from the windowsill. “Sweet kitty, come in. It’s cold out here. Come in.” She reached for the cat when her shuffling gait carried her to the window. The cat jumped out of her reach, and as she turned toward it she saw me. “Good morning, dear!” she said brightly. “Did you sleep here too?” No, I said, I hadn’t. Rose turned her attention back to the cat. “The kitty needs to come back inside!” she said, her voice suddenly high and insistent. “Come back in, kitty, come back in!” She was walking too fast, and rather unsteadily, and I wondered how I could get her back into the house. Then Lou appeared in the doorway in his pajamas.

“Come inside, Rose, the kitty will be okay. Come in and let’s get ready for breakfast.”

“Oh that’s right, Lou,” she said, relaxing at once, “I’ll come in for breakfast. I was waiting for you to get up—you slept late.”

Lou made us breakfast; like last night, he gently refused my offers of help. We sat at the small table and began to eat the oatmeal. “Here’s yours, Rose,” Lou said, “with cream and sugar just how you like it.” Rose took the bowl.

“Please pass the sugar, dear,” she said to me.

“There’s already sugar in it,” said Lou.

“Oh, that’s nice.” She ate for a few minutes. Then, “Oh, Lou, you know I like cream and sugar in my cereal. Can you put some in?”

"There's already sugar in it," said Lou.

Throughout the entire meal, Rose could not remember that she had cream and sugar. I thought about my dream of last night and looked at her crinkled, smiling face, as she asked the same question over and over. She was completely, utterly oblivious to her repetition; Lou and I were equally, painfully aware of it, and her cheerfulness was eerie and strange.

Toward the end of the meal I was suddenly claustrophobic. The oatmeal was like sawdust in my mouth, my conversation with Lou fake and unreal. The birches outside the window whipped around in the cold wind, and I felt miles away from anything familiar. The Blue Ridge Mountains were out there too, but even their faint blue silhouette failed to cheer me. I felt, as Anne of Green Gables put it, “in the depths of despair.”

After breakfast, I walked through the woods and headed in a roundabout way towards Lila Williams’ house. The night before, I had met Lila, a beautiful, white-haired 85-year-old woman who was a long-time friend of Lou and Rose.

“I’m so glad you came!” she said, greeting me at the door. “I was just about to sort loopers, and if it’s not boring, you can help. They’re loops of jersey fabric, you know—the waste left over from knitting socks that’s usually thrown away.” Lila Williams was a weaver, and she told me that she weaves with recycled fibers when she can.

“Loopers make interesting textures,” she explained, “but before I can weave them I have to separate them by color and size.” She brought two large garbage bags of loopers out onto the porch, set them on the picnic table, and began deftly sorting them into piles. “I get these from a sock factory in North Carolina. They don’t use them, and so my friend down there sends along a batch whenever I need more.

“How’s Rose today?” Lila asked. I’d learned that Rose has “good days” and “bad days.”

“I don’t know,” I said uncertainly, “she seemed to be repeating herself an awful lot.”

“It’s so hard for Lou,” said Lila. “We all help out, but it’s just more and more difficult. I’ve been a friend of theirs for years, and it’s been such a long, hard process. When Rose was first diagnosed, they tried everything. And it helped, for a while—they managed to hold off the worst for much longer than any doctor said they could, by using herbal remedies and diet changes.”

“It must be so hard for Rose, too, to be so disoriented.”

“Yes,” said Lila, “but not in the ways you might think. It can be scary, I’m sure, but she doesn’t remember that after five minutes. It was very hard at first, though, when she was still basically fine and still knew that her memory was leaving, that every day she was remembering less.”

How horrible. I caught my breath at that. To know that you’re forgetting things—and to know that there’s nothing you can do to prevent it.

Lila and I kept sorting loopers, and we began to talk about other things. She mentioned how Sterling Mountain has changed over the years, and I said, “That must be true about other things, too—lots has changed for you, I mean.”

“Yes.” Lila reflected a minute. “But things change slowly, you know, so it becomes less strange than you think. It all fits together in a pattern. When I was a child, automobiles weren’t so common, and the roads mostly weren’t good. I remember our first car, the first drive we took. The whole family was inside—nobody used seatbelts then—nobody had seatbelts then! My father was driving, and all of a sudden the road ended in a cornfield. Just stopped! There was nothing but waving ears of corn...”

So much must be different. The women’s movement…computer technology…all the things we take for granted now that weren’t invented yet. I watched Lila’s bent head as she methodically sorted and talked, respectful of this woman who had lived through so much.

In the middle of Lila’s large, sunny living room were her looms, great, beautiful wooden machines with mysterious levers and rollers—and, on one, the beginnings of a rug. A large closet off the living room contained all of Lila’s supplies, neatly organized in boxes and shelves and spools. She pointed to a weaving on the wall. “Rose made that. I keep it there to remind me of what she was like Before. She was so full of laughter and life and loved to make things. She sewed until her eyes got bad. She used to love to weave—we’d do it together. One of those looms was hers.”

In one corner of the living room sat a stack of finished rugs and other creations. “Some people want to buy more than I make,” Lila told me, “but I don’t want to turn my art into the sort of thing where I need to make a certain number of rugs by a certain date. I like to make them when I feel like it, and leave time for other things. I don’t need any more money—I sell what I make and I'm happy.”

I left Lila Williams’ house in the afternoon, inspired and honored to have had the chance to talk with her. I told her that when I left: “I hope that when I’m 85 I can be as strong and wise as you!”

Rose was having a bad day. I spent the morning exploring Sterling Mountain, and when I came home, Rose and Lou were in the living room. “…When is our son coming home?” she was asking testily. “He hasn’t visited in months.”

Lou, sounding so tired, said, “He lives down the hill, Rose, with his children and his wife. We all live here, Rose—your children and your grandchildren and your friends. Your friend Lila lives right up the hill. Remember Lila? She spent a lot of time with you while you were beginning to get sick. You used to go to her house every afternoon…” Rose was not calming down. As I stood awkwardly by the door, she began to cry, convulsively, shaking with fear or some emotion I couldn't see.

“I’m scared, Lou,” she said, “nothing is right. I don’t remember all these things you're telling me. I want to go home. I want to see the people I know. Why don’t I remember? How do I know you’re really Lou? Maybe you’re fooling me. I’m so scared.” She sobbed, and it was an awful, hollow sound that filled the living room with darkness. Outside, the wind blew gray clouds swiftly through the sky, and I thought about all the people Out There, going through their daily lives and never thinking how lucky they are just to be able to remember things.

Inside the room, Lou was soothing Rose, telling her the story. “…and you have Alzheimer’s,” he was finishing, his words echoing through my head. He must say the same things a hundred times a day. “It’s a disease that makes you forget things. But I’ll keep reminding you.”

Later Lou told me, “I must take care of her. We used to take care of each other, and now I have to do it for both of us.”

Four – Too Many Dogs

Dogs have scared me ever since I was little, when a German shepherd got loose from its abusive owner and terrorized our neighborhood. I'd worried about dogs a little when I was planning the bike trip, but I hadn't expected the problem to be a big one.

At first it wasn't. In the first two weeks of riding I was chased by growling mongrels every so often, and I wasn't too scared—I'd just pedal fast. Then I got into the hills, where it wasn't possible to out-run a dog if the grade was steep. I discovered that the smaller the road, and the more rural the area, the more dog-infested it was.

The day I left Charlottesville, six mangy canines chased me—barking, snarling, and nipping at my ankles—for what seemed like miles. When the pack finally veered off into the bushes and disappeared, I stopped my bike and sobbed hysterically. The day had been trying enough, with gravel roads and several map reading mistakes, and I decided that I was sick of riding.

“In fact, I don’t want to ride tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that!” I said to no one in particular. I quickly told myself to be quiet. I wanted to be having fun on this trip, darn it!

But after that day, I never really stopped thinking about dogs. The fear had taken hold inside of me, and was becoming larger than life and somewhat irrational. As soon as I heard a bark or a growl, my body would stiffen, the adrenaline would shoot through me, and I’d be reduced to a hyperventilating mess. My automatic response had started to be Pedal as Fast as Possible, not always the wisest or safest tactic. Dogs had become a monster to me.

“Aren’t you afraid?” “Isn’t that...dangerous?” So many people wanted to know if I was scared before I left.

Well yeah, I am scared lately, I realized one night. Ironically enough, everyone had thought humans would be the menace to look out for. People were the least of my concerns.

≈

I managed to bury most of my fear and confusion about Dogs until the end of my stay at Sterling Mountain Community. Then, Sunday night, I couldn't keep it bottled in anymore.

"It will be cold tonight, and they’re predicting snow," Lou had said, earlier that evening. "Ellen down the hill has an extra bed if you'd like to sleep inside." The wind was chill and whistling in the eaves as I walked down to Ellen's apartment, and I wrapped my sweater tight around myself. It almost smelled like snow. I shivered then, not only because of the cold—I was remembering that tomorrow was D-day: departure day, and time to deal with dogs again. I shoved the thought out of my mind with as much force as I could muster.

I sat on Ellen's bed while she made dinner, and we chatted about the weather—chance of snow tomorrow, and can you believe this wind!“…We’ve been so interested to meet you,” Ellen said as she strained the pasta. “How is your trip going?”

That was the question I was dreading. How is my trip?? Should I say I hate dogs? That I don't want to ride?

Instead I said generically, “It’s been an amazing experience."

After all, I told myself fiercely, Why should I have anything to complain about?

“I’ve met lots of great people. And yet...”

I realized with embarrassment that I was starting to cry. “It’s so hard!” Then I was sobbing, like a dam had burst inside of me. Ellen was standing over me in a moment, and through my tears I saw her face, with its high cheekbones and concerned eyes.

“Can I give you a hug?” she asked.

“Oh yes!” I cried, and I reached out to her. She held me for a long time, and I cried out tears I’d been holding in for weeks. “I’m so scared of the dogs. And I feel awful that I come to places like your community and act all sad and self-centered. I'm not always like this!

“I miss getting hugs. And I’ve been thinking about how hard it'll be to go home—how I’m not gonna be a kid any more and sometimes I don’t want to give that up. I’m scared of the future, because I don’t know what it is. I told myself I wanted a ‘vision quest,' to test myself—but I feel like I’m missing the point of the trip, somehow. What's the use of it? I push myself and push myself, but I don’t know if I can do it!”

I stopped for a breath, and continued more slowly, "It's all turned into dogs lately—mostly I'm always afraid. Maybe I'm covering other things. But oh, it all feels stupid and I'm so tired!” I buried my face in Ellen’s sweater.

“Thank you,” I said after a long time. She understood.

My tears had slowed to a trickle, and now Ellen talked. “Maybe you’re pushing yourself too hard,” she said finally. “Have you thought about going home early? There's no dishonor in that—I don't think…”

“No,” I said, finally, “It wouldn't be right to stop now. I know it wouldn’t.”

We sat there on my sleeping bag, arms around each other, far into the night.

≈

My mom's advice, when I called her the next day, was to accept my feelings.

"I can't!" I wailed into the receiver. "I feel horrible!

"I just mean that traveling isn't going to be a bed of roses all the time," Mom said. "After a while, on a trip this long, euphoria wears off and it's life again. The trip'll have fantastic moments and awful ones. But you shouldn't think that because you're on the trip of a lifetime you have to feel good all the time. That's what you need to accept—that you feel horrible, and that's okay. Then you can move on."

From where I was lying, I saw the bird feeder outside the window whipping around in the wind, rhythmically clacking against the shingles. The sky was even grayer than yesterday. I was shivering even though I wasn’t cold, and I pulled the blankets around me. After I hung up the phone, I slipped into a dark, dreamless sleep.

That night, I remembered the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:

You must do the thing

you think you cannot do.

Five – Letters

Mom

March 24, '97

Dear Sara,

My great idea is to write to you day-by-day so you can get a real feel for all the terrific events you’ve left behind. That way when you write the screenplay about your trip you’ll be able to tell the story from all angles. The only thing about the screenplay is that there has to be some real drama—some heroic rescue—and I’m not real happy about that, so maybe we’ll have to just make something up at the end…

So. Yesterday you left. Never did a person have a greater need to get out of her house. Never did a family have a greater need to be temporarily rid of a member. You were READY to go. In your room yesterday afternoon, I looked at you and Jake and Dad sitting on your bed, looking so woebegone at the thought of separation, and I tried to store the picture in my mind. We are a very close family. A lot of the time we lose track of that, but just then I could see it. Our lives are linked together and so are our spirits. But sometimes we need to be apart.

March 31

So much for writing every day. Right now I’m grabbing fifteen minutes before Sue finishes babysitting. Daddy and I have been trying to figure out what the weather is like by you and what you’ve decided to do if it's really going to snow. Today is the day of the potential blizzard. I refuse to accept this. All winter I wanted snow, but now all I want is warmth!

April 2, Wednesday

You know, I think I should get an award for being a tolerant mother. All you had to worry about was telling Dad and me that you were planning this trip—and we were mostly understanding and supportive. I can just imagine what it would have been like if, at seventeen, I had told my father and mother that I was planning to ride my bike solo across the country. My father would have flipped out. My aunts would have formed a human chain to prevent me from leaving the house. And my mother would have cried and cried.

So you just had to tell Dad and me…but I had to tell my mother. As you know, my sister advised me at the beginning to lie and say that you were traveling with a group that has adult supervisors. She was afraid Grandma couldn’t handle it. So I lied, but it’s been hard to keep up that lie and it meant lying to my aunts and uncles. And then two nights ago Aunt Sheryl calls and says,

“Ruthie, I’m afraid I’m going to let something slip and tell Ma that Sara’s traveling alone.”

That’s just great. She’s the one who tells me to fudge the truth, and now she’s afraid she’ll let something slip…

So I called Grandma and told her that you’re traveling alone—in a sense, I think I needed to feel my own strength about the rightness of your journey and then I was strong enough to tell my mother. She took it with aplomb. She said, “Don’t try to protect me from what’s going on,” and said that, because I'm not nervous, SHE isn’t THAT nervous. She’s actually pretty spunky, my mother. Now you can call her.

April 9, Wednesday (You arrive in Charlottesville)

I started to cry today when I told Sarah and Bobbi about you having to go the bathroom and that woman at the convenience store not letting you. And then that other woman rescued you and took you home with her to use hers—that was so nice. I hate that peeing legally in America is such an ordeal.

Those are the things that I worry about—the little things that could get you down. Everyone is so worried about you being raped; nobody worries that you won’t be able to go to the bathroom.

Everyone asks about you. Julie the dental assistant told me that she thinks about you every day. People always want to know how you are. Sherrie at the food co-op keeps saying she wishes she went with you. I wonder what would have happened at the convenience store if you had been with a friend or two or three. Would the woman have let you use the bathroom? Would the other woman have been likely to stop her car for you?…

April, age 11

To the bestest, wonderfulest, most fantasticulist sister in the whole wide universe!

April 9, ‘97

Dear Sara,

The house is empty without you. I read Loren the letter you wrote to him. Twin Oaks Community sounds really neat! I want to go there.

Everyone’s been asking about you, of course. I wish I was always the topic of conversation! Just joking.

April 10, Thursday 7:45P.M.

I keep dreaming that you’re back for some reason. I know you’re gone, but I don’t—no, can’t—see you riding a bike across the country. I just can’t imagine it. I can say you are, but part of myself says it isn’t real.

Does the Wilson family have kids?

I could (not that I would) steal a can of beer from the basement and no one would notice! There is so much left from Dad’s birthday party.

This has to be short because I gotta go do dishes. It’s 8:31P.M. (and 31 seconds, to be exact) and I haven’t touched a single dish but mine.

Life goes on as usual without you.

I miss you.

Love, Peace and bicycles, April.

Six – The Day I Met a Beauty Queen

My parents and Roger and Joanne were friends before they had kids, and their older son Justin and I were born twelve days apart. As I pedaled up their driveway in Roanoke, Virginia, I hit the 500-mile mark of the trip.

Sitting on the couch in the evening, I vowed that during my visit I would get a hold of myself. I'll brainstorm about dogs, I promised. Through the windows I could see down the valley to the twinkling lights of Roanoke, and beyond the city, I knew, were the mountains in all their purple-blue gloriousness. Next moment I thought, I do not want to leave.

It was Roger who suggested the idea of going to school for a day. In all my seventeen years I'd spent only one full day at school, and I figured the experience would at least have socio-anthropological value. So, on the rainy Wednesday after I arrived, I accompanied Justin O'Dell to eleventh grade at Blue Hills High. I felt like I was entering another world. The hall monitors stood like sentries in front of the office, where Justin left me to check in with the principal.

I soon discovered that Dr. Vicky Frederick didn't have much time to spare unless you happened to be an adult. "Be with you in a minute," she'd say to me, proceeding to smile sweetly at the grown-up next in line, who evidently had business more pressing than mine. I sat in the front office for precisely an hour and six minutes.

Finally, Vicky Frederick acknowledged my existence. "What's your name?" she said brusquely.

“Sarabeth.”

“Sarabeth...who?” queried Dr. Frederick. "Don't you have more than one name?"

“It's Matilsky,” I answered hurriedly. "Sarabeth Matilsky. Remember, Roger O'Dell called you? I'm here for the day with Justin."

"Well, in order for you to attend the proper grade here, Sarabeth, you will have to take several tests to show us what you know. You can't expect to just walk in and waltz to your classes!"

"Uh—well, no! I mean, I’m not. I mean…"

"…And as I was saying," said Dr. Frederick in a chilly voice, "we really don’t allow visitors to attend regular classes. It's too much of a distraction for our students, and making an exception for one visitor would open the door to anyone who came in."

I wondered how many people were demanding attendance at English Composition and Algebra II. "I’m just visiting the O'Dells'," I said, "and I'll be out of town next week, like Roger said on the phone. I only wanted to see what Justin's English class is like. I'd planned on being perfectly quiet." Dr. Frederick's eyes were on me. I continued nervously. "I won't disrupt anything. I'll leave if it doesn't work out. In fact, I'll leave now if you want me to! But I thought it was okay."

Finally, the indomitable principal relaxed her stare. "Well, it's very irregular." She sniffed. "But as long as you don't cause a disturbance, it should be all right. Only the English class, though. There's an assembly you can go to at nine, and then…" She trailed off, trying to figure out what to do with me before the fifth period English class started. "I know. After assembly, go to the Career Lab." With a sniff of relief, Vicky Frederick pointed me toward the auditorium.

Once inside the cavernous hall, I gazed over a sea of heads to the stage. And that's when I beheld a real, live beauty queen.

≈

In Michelle Kang's senior year of high school she was crowned Miss Cherry Blossom Festival, and the title brought her local fame and scholarship money toward college. But the Cherry Blossom title was also her ticket to the Miss Virginia pageant, where she competed several months later.

Her novice status didn't sit well with some of the other contestants. Hadn't every other girl at the pageant been working on their poise and perfect smile for years? It just wasn't right that some girl from the boonies—whose parents were Korean immegrants, no less—should get to compete when she hadn't done her time.

Michelle won the state pageant in 1996, though, and the girls who'd been Miss America wannabes since pre-school had to cry bitter tears. She didn't get the national title, but during her reign as Miss Virginia, Michelle took her tiara and her cause—drug abuse prevention—on the road. In April 1997, her tour led her to Blue Hills High.

Ms. Kang's presentation was about self-esteem and the hazards of drugs, and despite her teacher-ish tone, the skit was even capturing the attention of the rowdy boys in the last row. From their expressions, the boys seemed to be hoping that after the lecture would be the swimsuit segment. I tried to imagine Ms. Kang performing under the spotlights at the Miss America Pageant. I wondered what this woman was really like.

After the assembly, though, I was destined for the career lab—a drab room filled with college admissions information. I watched the clock. Five minutes later, as I stared impolitely, in walked Michelle Kang. She was followed by Nellie and Anna Lea, two seniors who'd been chosen to usher Miss Virginia around the school all day. They were here for the same reason I was: the school didn't have anything else for them to do in the two hours before Michelle's next presentation.

For the rest of the morning, we peppered Michelle with questions. "What's it like in the pageants? How did you start? Do you do bathing suit competitions? What about eating disorders?"

That last question caused Ms. Kang's perfectly outlined-in-red smile to fade. "There is some. Well, actually, there's a lot of eating disorders, mainly because there's so much competition: 'Who's the thinnest? Who's gained weight?' It's hard to keep your appearance in perspective when you think about it all the time." Michelle looked away momentarily, and under her perfect make-up she was somber. Being a beauty queen didn't make you immune to the world's troubles.

"But I didn't get bulimia and anorexia because of the pageants." Michelle looked up again. "It was from ballet, and it started when I was twelve. I was five-foot-three, and I weighed just over a hundred pounds at the beginning. At the worst point in my dieting, I weighed eighty-two." She paused. "It took seven years before I really got better. I stopped ballet, which helped, but I never would've been able to break the cycle without my friends. I still have bad days, though, when I think about food way too much."

"I know what you mean—exactly," said Anna Lea. I looked up in surprise at the vehemence of the soft-spoken, blond-haired President of the student body. How would Anna Lea know about eating disorders? She was so self-assured, and besides, she looked like a model right out of Cosmo. Yet here she was, telling us how she'd been anorexic for two years. "…If it hadn't been for Nellie here, things would've been a lot worse. Do you know, there's more eating disorders here at Blue Hills than at all the other schools in the county combined?"

"The school counselors don't even know about half the cases," Nellie added. "They don't know how to handle it, anyway…"

While Nellie and Anna Lea talked, I made a mental tally of women I knew who either currently had eating disorders or had had one in the past. The list was large. But, as I sat in the career lab on that gray April day, I couldn't think of a single female friend who always—or even almost always—liked her body the way it was.

"Ironically," Michelle was saying, "competing in the pageants actually raised my confidence—I was like, 'Wow, I didn't even know I could do this.' Like I said, though, some of the other girls resented that I was so new; most of them had been going to pageants since before they could walk! I really just wanted the scholarship money. And I wasn't about to go spend thousands of dollars on a gown like some girls did. I figured that sort of defeated the whole purpose of the scholarship prize." Michelle laughed. She said she wouldn't be doing any more pageants. In the fall, she was going back to college.

But even though Michelle seemed down-to-earth, she assured us—just like proponents of the Miss America Pageant always seem to—that pageants aren't about looks. Being Miss America, Michelle said predictably, is about having "personality," talent, and public speaking skills. Obviously, Michelle possessed all those attributes. But she couldn't answer my main question: Why don’t the pageant judges ever pick a winner who is talented and has a great personality but doesn't have a "beautiful" body?

Later, I wondered what the big deal was about being Miss America, anyway. Maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be—even a beauty queen would get chased by dogs if she rode through Virginia on her bicycle.

Seven – Nate

When I was trying to find cycling companions for my trip across America, all my friends came out of the woodwork: “I’ll definitely come,” they'd each said blithely, “count me in!”

Cool! I thought, there’ll be a whole group of us riding our bikes next year and I won’t be by myself.

I soon found out that almost everyone said she or he wanted to go on a trip like mine—and that generally, no one ended up going. I did my best to convince myself that there were good reasons to ride alone. I discovered that many of my friends and family weren't convinced.

In November 1996 I wrote in my journal:

...lately I’ve started recognizing a difficult aspect of planning this trip: the fact that other people are so doubting, skeptical, fearful, and admonishing about it.

“We don’t understand it,” they seem to be saying, “so it must be fraught with danger.” Then there's the inevitable question, “You’re going alone?!” usually spoken in a tone that tries to conceal displeasure, disapproval and fear but seldom succeeds. All of those concerns—plus many others—come out of friends' and strangers' mouths every day, and little by little it’s chipping away bits of my confidence. I don’t want to smile and try to soothe everyone’s worries without recognizing that Yes, of course there are dangers—probably more than I can imagine. But if I acknowledge, in these conversations, that I’m aware of the dangers, then it’s “So why go?”

After all, I'll be leaving behind some dangers that I’ve lived with for nearly 17 years—like pollution, and the high risk of getting cancer or getting killed in an automobile accident that one faces just by living in NJ. I have to examine a new set of unknowns, circumstances, and challenges.

In late fall, I developed tendonitis in my wrists. I was told to rest them and that “...no, it’s probably not a good idea to ride a bicycle...” and I wondered a hundred times a day if this crazy scheme was going to work out after all. But I kept doing everything else I could do to prepare, I celebrated my 17th birthday, and I continued trying to answer other people’s questions and some new ones of my own. I also wrote a notice in Growing Without Schooling magazine, asking if there were other teens interested in embarking on this adventure with me. I received 15 responses.

But soon, 14 of those people decided the trip wasn't for them, and the "group" dwindled down to one person—Nate Baker, age 20. We decided it was best to plan our trips separately. Much as I wanted to ride with someone, there still remained the fact that Nate was male and I was female; there was too much potential for awkwardness, especially since he lived in western Pennsylvania and we wouldn’t be able to meet before I left. Instead, we decided to meet up for a day or two at the end of April, when we both planned to arrive in Roanoke, VA.

≈

At the end of April, I'd reached Roanoke but mainly forgotten about Nate. I was just excited to be someplace familiar, and for a week at the O'Dells I made half-hearted attempts to figure out what to do about Dogs. Pet stores said pepper spray was the answer, but I knew it wasn't. I couldn't steer my bike and aim an unpredictable stream of chemicals at the same time. Roger said, "Hit 'em with your pump—that'll show 'em!" Joanne said to squirt my water bottle. Nothing seemed very practical, and I wasn't encouraged to start riding again. I pretended to myself that I was taking a well-deserved "break."

Really, I was grasping at straws for any excuse not to mount my bike again.

Then on April 23, Nate Baker became a real live excuse to stay in Roanoke for a few more days. He called from Afton, and as per our tentative plan back in January, he said he'd meet me at the O'Dells' on Friday, and maybe we could ride together for a couple days—if I was willing to wait around.

Willing to wait? "Of course!" I told him. "See you then."

Nate would know how to handle dogs, I was sure of it. He'd said something like, "I like animals—dogs haven't been a big deal." For the moment, I forgot about my goals to travel alone. I forgot about the good parts of riding by myself, like going at my own pace, choosing where to camp, and eating lunch whenever I wanted. I waited eagerly for Friday.

Nate leaned his bike against the O'Dells' garage at 6:00 p.m. Friday evening. Tall, deep-voiced, wearing a wide grin and beat-up old cycling shorts and a sweatshirt, he seemed nice enough. He'd left eastern Pennsylvania on April 13, and had ridden 1000 miles in the last two weeks.

The problem was, Nate and I were not a match made in heaven.

The day after he arrived, the sky opened up and it didn't stop pouring for twenty-four hours. Instead of riding, we climbed into the O'Dells' van and went grocery shopping.

We were on the way home when Nate cracked a joke about God and women and how the latter was responsible for the downfall of humankind. The ensuing discussion involved me talking loudly from the back seat to be heard, and listening to my soon-to-be travel buddy say, "Society doesn't need feminism—women have come too far already." My heart sank as I realized that my Savior-From-Dogs was undeniably sexist and a hard-core, somewhat evangelical Christian.

What do I do?? I wondered frantically that night. It's the dogs or Nate.

I was too scared of dogs. I chose Nate.

≈

Our first day of riding took us closer to the Kentucky border, over Catawba pass on county road 723. The previous day's outburst had mellowed in my mind a little, and it turned out that Nate and I got along okay when we steered toward non-controversial subjects such as Bike Repair and The View. We rode easily over rolling hills, and shared stories about our trips.

It was really spring now, the redbud trees were in bloom, and the fields were gorgeous, stretched out on either side. Little crooked streams ran through them, sometimes doubling back on themselves, forming snaking bands of water that flowed through the fields and under obliviously wading cows. It was hard to be mad at anyone, riding through all that.

Pedaling over gentle roller coaster hills, I discovered how much easier it was to ride when I had someone to talk with. I hardly thought about my odometer at all, because I didn’t need it to be my assurance that I was getting somewhere.

Mostly, though, I was relaxed because Nate was so confident about dogs. At one point a barking black dog ran across a field toward us, and Nate said, “Okay—when he comes through the fence, stop your bike.”

“No,” I said, already agitated, “I just can’t.”

Nate humored me. “Well, then I’ll stop my bike and try to distract it while you keep going.”

Of course, the dog ended up chasing me as I went on ahead, and that happened for the rest of the day when I'd try to run away from a canine confrontation. Nate kept assuring me that if I would only stop my bike, the dog would stop, too. They didn't like something about the spinning wheels, he theorized.

Although I intellectually believed him, my reflex was to pedal faster.

I'll stop tomorrow, though, I vowed that night. As long as Nate was nearby, I would be much more confident. I had formed my perception of him, and now when I looked at Nate I could only see what he represented in my mind: Protection from Dogs.

≈

The day we rode through Whitesville, Kentucky was the day I finally made headway in the dog department. In fact, I actually made friends with a black Labrador on Highway 764.

We'd ridden out of town separately, because Nate needed to go to the post office and I was going slowly anyway. The road went straight for a while, and as I rode I ate gingersnaps from a paper sack in my handlebar bag.

Soon the sky began to cloud over, the all-too-familiar sign of a thunderstorm. But then the black Lab in front of a farmhouse took my mind of the impending bad weather. For once I decided that the dog looked friendly, and as he ran toward me, I tried a new tactic.

“Go home!” I said. Then I stopped my bike. A miracle! Nate was right—the dog stopped chasing me. As a reward, I threw him (the dog, not Nate) a gingersnap. With what almost seemed like a look of understanding, Dog ate the cookie. He didn’t go home. I thought maybe he hadn’t heard me, so I threw another snap and said, a little louder, “Go home!”

The second cookie was a big mistake. Dog gobbled it up in an instant, and as I rode away he easily loped next to me as I pedaled into the wind at eight m.p.h. I realized that now, Dog was ready to follow me to Oregon for another gingersnap. After a half mile, I surveyed the situation. Dog seemed friendly enough, but it was time for him to go home.

“Go home now!” I yelled this time. Dog didn’t bat an eyelash. I stopped my bike. “GO HOME!” I yelled, trying to make my voice deeper. Dog ran happy circles around me, and nosed my panniers. It started to rain. Just then, Nate rode up.

“Hey, what’s happening here?” he wanted to know. “You found a friend?”

“No,” I said. “He won’t go away!”

Nate thought a moment. “Hey—why don’t you throw him a gingersnap?” he suggested, as if he’d just come up with a brilliant idea.

“I’ve tried that already,” I said dryly, “that’s what got me into this mess. Now GO HOME!” I directed the last comment at Dog. Dog panted pleadingly for a cookie.

“Well, we’d better get going,” said Nate, glancing at the sky. “We’ve got a long way to go.” I agreed, and we mounted our bikes. We pedaled silently through the drizzle while Dog ran circles around us and we struggled to keep our bikes upright in the wind.

After another mile, the rain started coming down in earnest and Dog showed no aversion to getting wet. Nate and I did, though, and we stopped to put on our jackets. By now, I wasn’t laughing at Dog’s antics anymore. “How are we going to get him to go away?” I asked Nate.

But Nate was beginning to enjoy our canine companion. “Why should we try?” he asked. “He’s friendly.”

“Yeah, but he’s going to knock one of us down or something—he’s racing all over the road!”

“Don’t worry so much!” Nate said airily. “And besides, dogs are smarter than you seem to think. They’d never let themselves get hit by a bicycle. Here, I’ll ride in front and show you.”

“I dunno,” I grumbled, but I had to admit that I didn’t have much experience in Dog psychology. We donned our jackets and headed into the rain, me behind Nate.

Dog continued to chase us and run all over the road, but since Nate was in front, Dog mostly left me alone. In another mile, the road curved to the left. Just as Nate’s bicycle began leaning into the turn, a black streak of Dog raced from the side of the road.

The next moment was a blur. I heard a muffled curse from Nate, but before I could figure out what was happening, the blue Cannondale appeared to flip horizontally into the air. I slammed on my own brakes. Next second, I heard a thud and I saw Nate on the ground with his bike on top of him. And there was Dog, still running, extricating himself from the front wheel of Nate’s bike.

“Are you okay?!” I asked Nate.

“Yeah,” he said, but his tone held no more patience for Dog. “That stupid animal!!!” He rubbed his elbow where he'd landed on the asphalt, and tested it out. “No broken bones, but man that hurt. Okay dog, it’s time for you to go home!”

Dog grinned and panted at him. “Go home!” Nate yelled, and now we could see that Dog was limping—he’d hurt himself, as well. “Go home!”

After that incident, we supposed that Dog would have had enough. We mounted our bikes after a few minutes—but Dog began to follow. Nate would have none of it this time. “We have to stop,” he said to me. “I’ll hold the dog, and you ride ahead, out of sight. Once I can get him to leave, I’ll follow you.”

The process took about ten minutes, but Dog did go home. Afterwards, though, I thought Nate had a slightly different outlook on dogs. For the rest of the day he didn’t make any comments about how “friendly” any of our barking pursuers were. Kentucky was officially the state of the dog. Boxers, German Shepherds, Pit-bulls, Mutts...you want ‘em? Kentucky’s got ‘em.

≈

One afternoon, we stopped at a church for lunch and had our first conversation about religion. The mist hung low on the trees and we couldn't see the tops of them as we sat on a conveniently-placed bench.

Nate said he was a strict Christian. I told him I was Jewish, but mostly by ancestry. "I don't like the sexism of organized religion," I said. "It's like they're sexist at their core. Like, even God is called He! Where are the women in all those stories, Jewish or Christian?”

"But see," said Nate, "just calling God 'He' doesn't mean people think he—I mean God—is a man. It's just better than saying 'it.' What do you think, we should call God 'She'?" He laughed, like what he'd said was really funny.

Exactly, I thought. You illustrate my point.

"It's just words," Nate added.

"No it's not!"

"Yeah it is—and it's like that joke the other day. It's your problem if it bothers you. You shouldn't let it. That's what I do."

I'll remember that, I thought, but I couldn't think of a comeback.

≈

Despite our ideological differences, I did seem to ride farther and faster with Nate around. We rode 45 miles one day after leaving Roanoke; the day after that, we did 50. It was nice to have company, too. As we entered more rural areas in Kentucky, people’s words came echoing back: “There are so many crazies out there....You could get raped....You’re going alone??”

Maybe it's better to be with Nate, I thought. Safer, anyway.

Don't start being afraid of people now! I thought next moment. You're getting good with the dogs. Don't start with people.

Eight – Bizarre Incidents

It was true that during the past two weeks, my fear of dogs had nearly disappeared. Maybe now I could be alone again! I thought.

But there was no getting around it. Rural Kentucky was weirding me out. The day we passed through Bevinsville, population seemingly nonexistent, Nate rode on ahead and I caught up with him halfway up the steep mountain. I was just in time to see a man stumble chaotically across the road with a bottle in his fist, followed by five of the mangiest dogs I had ever seen. When his wild eyes settled on Nate and me, he lurched toward us, muttering unintelligibly. Then he yelled to his dogs, “Get them!”

The dogs started towards us, we screamed at them, and they kept coming, growling. “Get rocks!” Nate yelled to me. “And throw!” We picked up some stray stones and began tossing them at the pack, and after more shouting and several more tense minutes, we finally managed to get by.

“Thanks for waiting for me,” I said to Nate afterwards.

“Oh, no problem,” he answered. “That guy wasn’t too nice-looking. And when I saw those dogs, I thought I’d better.”

≈

Each morning in eastern Kentucky, Nate and I began to ride as the mist rose with the sun. We shared the road with ungainly coal trucks that lumbered purposefully to the mines. They emerged loaded with tons of coal, and loomed out of the smog and mist of the valley like determined turtles. The weak rays of the sun glinted on my bike and my breath hung frostily in the air. The exhaust fumes hung in the air too, and when cars and trucks went by they spewed me with sooty blackness. It was a surreal landscape, the richness and poverty and beauty and ugliness of the land all rolled into one.

We passed by numerous mining rigs, many abandoned and fenced off. Decrepit signs hung by a nail to the fences: “Keep out.” “Ambulance Entrance.” Once, we passed an old tumbledown shed that had a faded, stained sign on it: “Mining Office and First Aid.” There were no windows in the little shack, just gaping holes and a door off its hinges. It was old and tired and useless, now that the mining companies had abandoned it in their quest for cheaper methods of pulling their product from the earth.

In eastern Kentucky, the land was peppered with mobile homes and junked cars, and I didn't want to think about the poverty. Why should I have so much, I wondered guiltily, when others have so little?

One day, Nate and I started talking as we rode past a particularly large trash heap.

“I feel like I should be doing something to change all of this,” I said.

“Yeah, it sure is poor here,” Nate agreed, pedaling next to me. “But I don’t have much sympathy for them. I mean, why don’t these people just move away and get a job somewhere else? Same thing with inner cities. Why do they stay? People have the power to change their situations and they just don’t do it.” The road wound up and around a small hill, and down in the valley I could see a stream flowing sluggishly through a field.

“I don’t think that’s always true,” I protested. “I mean, yeah, people have power, but how many of them can change their whole lives around and move to another state?? That’s a lot easier said than done and...”

“…I know what you’ll say next,” Nate interrupted, “that ‘people can’t do it by themselves and they need support and stuff.’ You said that’s why society needs Feminism. But I think people can change alone. You shouldn’t expect someone else to fix your life. Lots of people grow up poor and rise above it. I still say it’s your fault if you don’t change.”

He did have a point. Some people do become rich and famous even when they were lowly peanut farmers to begin with. “But I think most people aren’t strong enough to change alone,” I said. “Imagine growing up here. Say you’d lived in one of those falling-apart trailers all your life, gotten a second- or third-rate education at a rural school, and eventually you got rewarded with a job at the local strip mine! Probably your parents grew up the same way, too. I mean, our parents had the resources to give us all sorts of things.” I paused, and dodged a few soda cans in the road. “You need someone else to help. We had someone else, lots of someones, and if you don’t have that I don’t think it’s so easy to change your life around.”

“Well, I don’t agree,” said Nate. “And man, you take everything so seriously!” He laughed.

I shut my mouth firmly and resolved, from then on, to stay away from controversial topics. I hate being laughed at.

≈

One day in May, when the temperature suddenly turned summery and humid, we were sweating up a hill and had stopped for a drink of water. That's when I decided that I wanted Nate to disappear.

I'm sure that by this point, Nate had found plenty of things about me that annoyed him. But I had figured out some things about him, too—in particular, his Starting-To-Ride song. Every single time—without fail—that we began to ride, even if we’d only stopped for a short break, Nate would yodel, “Oh ho ho ho ho, aaaa-alrighty then!”

It seemed innocent enough. There was no logical reason to be annoyed by it. But today I thought I would go bananas if he sang it one more time.

After our water break, we started to ride. And sure enough, Nate crooned, “Oh ho ho ho ho, aaaa-alrighty then!” Then he proceeded to sing a rollicking tune while I huffed and puffed, and somehow, that annoyed me too. I didn't want to hear his cheery song for one more second.

“Please be quiet or Go Away!” I burst out suddenly.

"Uh—well, okay,” Nate said agreeably. Hastily, I tried to rephrase what I had just said, in between huffs and puffs.

“Oh! [puff] I’m sorry,” I said, “I [huff] didn’t mean it like that [huff]–you have a right to sing if you want to and I shouldn’t have said that [puff]. But I—” here I paused for a longer breath “—need-to-be-alone-or-else-I’m-not-going-to-be-able-to-get-over-this-mountain! Please go ahead and I’ll meet you later.”

“Okay,” said Nate again, and, probably relieved to get rid of me, he pedaled quickly out of sight.

Then I was alone with my mountain and my bicycle. As I strained in the pedals, the sun beat down and I rode until I couldn’t pedal another stroke. Then I stopped. After I rested for a couple seconds, I started up. I didn’t get more than a hundred yards before I stopped and rested again. This time, I chewed on some dried apricots and contemplated the next three miles. Those miles loomed ahead, the mountain seemed interminable and steep and impossible and...

“No,” I told myself firmly, “you’re going to do it. You can stop all you want, you can do whatever you need to do to make it, but you’re not walking and you’re going to get to the top.”

The next hour was like an unpleasant dream. Every time I stopped, I wondered if I would really be able to start again. But then for a moment, as my muscles pulled and pushed the cranks, I became an outside observer to my thoughts.

“…What if,” I asked myself casually, “a nice woman pulled over with a pick-up truck and asked you if you wanted a ride to the top? What would you do: you’re hot, you’re sweaty, you’re tired, you’re aching, you’re miserable—would you accept the lift?”

And then, from somewhere deep inside of me, I said, “NO.” I said it out loud, too, to make it more definite and emphatic. “I wouldn’t take a ride. I’m doing this, I’m going to make it. I wouldn’t take a ride, not for anything, not for all the world.”

I laughed aloud. There’s a part of me who's willing to do something even if it isn’t easy! I marveled. Now I can do it—I’m ready to ride alone again. And then an explosive sound from an approaching muffler-free car shattered my thoughts.

Up until today I hadn’t worn my red tank top, partly because it hadn’t been very warm. Partly, though, I was afraid of attention from men. But Nate was around this afternoon. And who would bother me, anyway? It was so hot out! It wasn’t fair that guys could ride with no shirt, while I was stuck forever encased in a polyester jersey.

So I wore it, and all was well, and I figured my fears of harassment were unfounded and silly. That’s when the loud, beat-up station-wagon pulled up next to me. It looked like it had never been painted, and the man inside was equally unkempt. He was grizzled, with mottled skin, and his overalls looked like they'd needed a washing machine months ago. The window was open and he stared at me. I stared back.

Then, craning his neck to see around me, he asked, “Ded thet baay gowaaf en layve ya behind?” I looked blankly at him, wondering if he was speaking English.

He tried again. “Ded thet baay gowaaf widout you?"

Now I got the gist of his question. “Uuhhh—well, no,” I said, “he’s just down the hill ahead.”

“Wall,” said the man, appearing satisfied with my answer, “wall! Why don cha jist put yo’ bike in ‘na back here and I’ll take ya wherever yer goin.’”

“No,” I said, “I actually want to ride.” And surreptitiously, my right hand closed around the canister of pepper spray in my handlebar bag.

After a few more tries, the man tried a different tactic. “Aren' cha scared thet a bear’s gonna come ketch ya? Suh cha pretty little girl like you, and you are a pretty girl, a bear might come right out and et chu up!” He grinned widely and crazily from behind the wheel of his banged up car. I noted that he was missing several important teeth.

By that time I was too dumbfounded and annoyed to say anything. Maybe he’s deranged, I thought. I wonder if he’s dangerous? I wondered how I should make my exit. But before I could think of a brilliant comeback, the man continued.

“Bears like honey, ya know, and sweet things, and they’ll want a sweet girl like you...”

Now, annoyance turning to anger, I pulled away down the hill. When he saw that I wasn’t stopping, the man drove past me and disappeared down the mountain. I was positively seething.

The rest of the ride was awful. As soon as I had descended the mountain, the road led through deserted, open farmland. Every so often, various pick-up trucks (the only mode of transportation around here, it seemed) drove by and guys honked or yelled or leered out of the window. I was scared and angry and that energy powered my legs. I was ready to vent when I caught up with poor Nate.

“I can’t wear a tank-top without practically receiving a marriage proposal!” I exploded as soon as my bike stopped. That night I was utterly overwhelmed by exhaustion and anger at the stupidity of some men. They should try being a woman sometime, I thought. They should see what it’s like to wear comfortable clothes on a hot day and end up getting harassed for it.

≈

Even though it was Wednesday (I checked in at home every Sunday and Thursday), I called my house the next day.

My sister answered, and I surprised both of us by bursting into tears. “I need to talk to Mom or Dad!” I told her, trying to stop crying.

"Okay, okay—wait a minute!"

Soon I heard mom’s voice, calm and usual on the other end of the line. “Sara?”

“Yeah,” I said, and began really sobbing. “I just need to cry.” I stood there, at the pay phone covered with graffiti next to a soda machine, and cried and cried. I cried about the stupid men, how I felt frightened at the catcalls and that ridiculous guy I’d met. I cried about how much I missed getting hugs. I cried about how I wanted to ride alone but felt paralyzed about doing it. I cried about the poverty that I saw everywhere. I cried at how helpless I was allowing myself to feel.

I covered all bases while my poor mother, stuck at the other end of the line back in Highland Park, NJ, listened. For her it must have seemed like a lot all at once, and it must have been hard for her to hear me crying on the phone and not be able to reach out and pull me to safety and the comfort of home.

When I think back to that conversation, what amazes me is how calm my mother's voice was when I finally let her get a word in edgewise.

“Okay. Let’s put this in perspective. I mean, even though it’s embarrassing to admit now, my girlfriends and I used to like it when we got cat-calls and whistles as we walked down the street! To us, it was a symbol that we were pretty and attractive to men.”

“But that’s terrible!” I protested, sniffling a little. “And I don’t want to like getting cat-calls!”

“No, that’s not what I mean. I’m saying that while whistles and hoots could lead to something dangerous happening, it usually doesn’t. It’s the quiet guys you gotta worry about! I mean it—the loud ones don’t usually do more than just yell.” I nodded, though Mom couldn’t see. “You get angry when guys whistle at you at home, too—remember? The difference is, now you’re in a strange place, and fear comes along with your anger and makes it feel worse.

“It’s important not to accept the fear and anger like it’s the status quo. But–guys are gonna yell whether they should or they shouldn’t, and you need to separate your feelings. Do you feel angry—or are you in danger? There is danger out there, and it’s just as important to realize that as it is to keep fear from overpowering your emotions….”

I listened to my mother, and slowly my tears stopped.

Later, Nate and I walked back to camp as the sun set; I watched the sky and tried to figure out how to explain myself. "I know you're probably wondering about my sanity," I offered finally, "and I'm sorry I've been so upset lately. I know we need space from each other, and I don't want you to feel like you need to 'protect' me. It's just that I've started feeling so vulnerable when I'm alone around here…"

I was quiet for a minute, and watched the horizon. The sky was a huge fireball of clouds, the last rays of the day's light splashing orange across the sky. Then I burst out, “I hate fear! I want to feel comfortable being alone, with dogs, with men, with everything. It’s one reason why it’s hard for me to ride with you, even though it’s not your fault: I don't want to be dependent on anyone but myself.”

For once Nate realized that I was in no mood for jokes, and he was serious.

“I think I understand what you mean,” he said slowly. “It must be awful. I really can’t imagine it, though, because I don’t feel threatened—you know? I wish I could help you feel more comfortable…” he trailed off. “You know what, though,” he continued impulsively, “I’ll ride with you as long as you want me to—even all the way—if that would do anything.”

“No,” I said quickly, “I mean, that’s the whole thing—I need to get over my fear... But thanks—I really do appreciate that.”

≈

Entries from the cyclists’ log book at Elk Garden Church hostel:

Farmington, Missouri: Susan and Craig Nesbit host cyclists if you call in advance.

Cambridge, Idaho: Bucky’s café has great pie.

Golden City, MO: go to Cooky’s café for the best pie you’ll ever eat.

Map section #107: stay with The Dragon Lady on Route 17. Call a day ahead in morning or evening because she and her husband take a nap.

Map section #9: services at the junction of Route 38 are closed (38 miles no services).

DON’T STAY IN MURPHYSBORO ST. PARK. [The entry didn’t say why.]

Carbondale, IL: watch out for The Bike Surgeon. [A story followed, explaining that the so-called “Bike Surgeon" (a bike mechanic and touring cyclists' host) had completely messed up a bicycle wheel and that “…you shouldn’t let him TOUCH your bike if you want to get across the country on it!”]

Berea, KY–shortcut. Save 25 miles: take Rt. 150 from Berea to Stephen Foster Town to Bardstown.

Good Advice: "Unless you test yourself, you stagnate. Unless you try to go way beyond what you’ve been able to do before, you won’t develop and grow. When you go for it 100%, when you don’t have that fear of What If I Fail, that’s when you learn. That’s when you’re really living.”

Nine – Some Hope for Humanity

“But there are so many bad people out there!” my friend Wendy said, looking like she was going to cry. It was January 1997, and she was upset about my plans for the trip. "And you'll be all alone…" She hugged me tight as if that could keep me forever away from the world she thought was so bad.

"But there are so many good people out there," I wrote in my journal later that night,

…and I want to meet them. I want to see how people live fulfilling lives in different places. I want to experience life away from home. Psychology books and many adults say that teenagers have A False Sense of Invincibility, but I don't think my optimism is because of that. I just don't believe that evil outweighs good.

Now, as Nate and I pedaled deeper into the rural south, my deepest wish was to prove that Wendy was wrong—that people really aren’t so bad, after all.

≈

But the bizarre incidents kept piling up. On the rainy afternoon when we pedaled doggedly toward Berea, a low-slung green and khaki sportster drove by going in the opposite direction. We didn’t pay much attention, just commented that the roads were getting trafficked. Several minutes later it passed again, the same two guys sitting behind tinted windows.

“Hey, that’s the same car,” said Nate unnecessarily. “I wonder why it turned around…?”

We tried to justify the car’s second appearance, to convince ourselves that the men behind the tinted windows weren’t even paying us any attention. Why would they bother us, anyway? It wasn’t as if we had anything they wanted. We were probably being ridiculous. We looked at each other with worried faces.

After another mile, we came around a bend and saw the car parked on the side of the road, engine turned off and the guys sitting inside, silent and motionless. Trying to be nonchalant, Nate said, “Well, there it is. If it comes along again, let’s get off the road.” His voice held the worry that I was already feeling, and I was glad that for once I wasn’t going to be accused of “taking things too seriously.”

As soon as we passed the car, we heard the engine turn over and the now-familiar hum of the sportster behind us. As it went by again, Nate and I wordlessly and almost frantically began trying to find a place to get off the road. If there had been more traffic, we wouldn’t have felt so urgent. But the whole thing was too weird. We hadn’t seen many people all day, and we were scared. “We could try the woods,” suggested Nate.

“No,” I said practically. “For one thing there’s all that barbed wire fence. And besides, we couldn’t get the bikes up the embankment. Let’s go to…”–I pointed across the street, barely looking–“…that house. It looks like they have kids’ toys in the yard, and hopefully they’ll be friendly.”

When we knocked on the door, a man came out. “I’m Carl,” he said, not unkindly. “Now what exactly is going on…?”

He ended up escorting us out to the main road, three miles away, driving along behind us through the downpour in his pick-up truck. When we reached the highway we thanked him, and Nate climbed into the pick-up to write down Carl’s address so we could send him and his wife some postcards. In the backseat of the truck there was a 9mm handgun and some hollow-tipped bullets. People certainly were very…careful around here.

≈

Nate's way of traveling until he met me had been extreme budget touring. His usual modus operandi had been to enter a town and ask in stores if there was anyone who wouldn't mind if he set up his tent for a night in their backyard. He'd convinced me to try the technique once before, and we'd landed in the living room of a preacher who had tried all evening to convert us to his brand of God-fearing Christianity. Even Nate had tired of his proselytizing.

But on one particular night in early May, we were met with rude stares and unfriendly faces outside the general store in Dorton. Nate came out almost as soon as he walked in. “The woman says there’s nowhere to stay. The church down the road used to have a hostel, but a couple years ago some cyclists vandalized the place. All the local people are suspicious now and won’t let bikers camp.”

Talk about a few people ruining it for the rest of us.

But there was nothing we could do about it, and as the twilight deepened and the sun fell below the tops of the trees, we put on our lights and reflective vests and kept riding. And after about a mile and half, I realized that I couldn’t expect Nate to do all the asking.

A minute later, I saw a woman standing at the door of a small house set slightly away from the road. I saw a tricycle and swing-set in the yard at the same moment that the woman waved to me. I waved and rode past, and then, through the dusky light, I felt something tug me to turn around. A moment later, I pulled up the driveway and my words came out in a rush: “I’m sorry to bother you, but my friend and I are looking for somewhere to pitch our tents for the night. We’d be out early tomorrow, and all we need is a patch of ground… Could we possibly camp in your yard?”

The woman looked at me with a work-hardened face and sharp eyes. Her hair was frizzled and graying, and her clothes were old. But her sharp features softened into a smile, and she said, “I think it would be okay. But…”

I held my breath.

“…I need to ask my husband," she continued. "He’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I exhaled, and started to get scared in the driveway of this stranger’s house, surrounded by yapping dogs and kids’ toys. I wondered if this was the best idea, after all. Maybe this is one of those houses where the wife is ruled by the husband and can’t do anything without asking him. Maybe he’s an awful person. Maybe he’s out getting drunk or something. How do I know that we’d be safe staying here? What if...

A car pulled into the driveway, and a man got out, wearing dirty coveralls and the same work-worn expression as his wife. Then a three-year-old ran out of the house, yelling, “Daddy!” The boy ran into his father's arms, and all my fears and doubts slipped away. No one could hug his child like that and not be a good person.

Of course we could stay, the man said—As long as his wife agreed.

"But it’s too cold for campin'!” the woman, named Sue Ann, protested.

“We got a shed you kin stay in—I’ll jist fix it up a bit,” her husband told us. His name was Jimmy. "She's right about the cold."

After ten minutes of shuffling and cleaning, during which time we kept vainly protesting that our tents were really fine, we entered our home for the night. The shed was spacious and even had bathroom facilities. “Sleep well!” Sue Ann and Jimmy told us. “Knock on our door if you need anything!” Their three-year-old waved shyly as he was whisked inside to bed.

These people had heard about the vandalized church, and that made their kindness to two total strangers even more appreciated

≈

Every day, horror stories of murder, rape, and assault fill the newspapers. It can make you forget that most people are kind, I thought as I fell asleep. It can make you scared to go and see for yourself what it's like out there in the world.

If I ran the newspapers, I decided, people like Jimmy and Sue Ann would make the front page.

Ten – Letters

Sarabeth

Dear Mom,

All my life you’ve helped me over all sorts of mountains. Now I’m out here by myself, and I'm taking what you’ve taught me and climbing some new mountains of my own….

Thanks—and happy Mother's Day!

Mom

May, 1997

Dear Sara,

The big excitement around here tonight is that April got a hit and a walk and her team won. You will probably have heard about it by the time you get this letter, but let me tell you that she was excited. (Guess what? I finally learned how to use italics when I'm typing on the computer.)

I have to say that I have admired her stick-to-itiveness this season. That continues to be the biggest amazement to me: that April has been completely accepted by the team and no one gives her a hard time for being a girl. Maybe times really are a-changing.

Something weird is going on around here. For the first time ever we have completely run out of plastic bags in the recycling dispenser that you made. I guess it’s because you aren’t around to fill it up. Daddy had to go to the park with the little guys to watch April’s game and he couldn’t find a plastic bag for the peanut butter. He had to take a paper one.

There was an argument over watermelon that almost put me over the edge yesterday. Monday night, Jacob went to the store at eleven p.m. to get milk and came home with a watermelon, which he shared with Daddy. Matthew ascertained this information from checking the garbage and was outraged that this had happened while he slept—and that he now had to share the other half with more than one person. I went bananas. I’ve really had it with this nurturing, understanding business. I immediately took to your bed (what a sanctuary your room has become).

Some of your slides arrived, by the way, and they are very unsatisfactory, at least to us. There are lots of views of we-don’t-know-what and pictures of people we don’t know and nothing of you! Your photographer brother and father are groaning about underexposure, zoom lenses and F-stops… If you were here to describe what we were looking at it would be better. But you won’t be here for awhile. I’m starting to forget how cranky you were before you left and I miss you. We're thrilled that you're making such great progress, though. It’s pretty impressive to say that you’ve traveled over a thousand miles.

…So sweets, this is it for now. Happy riding. Are you changing into a new person? Are you having fun? Will it be okay to be alone when Nate goes off into the sunset? I guess we’ll tune in tomorrow. Aunt Ruth sends her love as does everyone else I speak to.

Love, Mom.

April

April 22, 1997, Tuesday, 8:57 a.m.

Dear Sara,

Happy Passover! Last night we had matzo ball soup.

We went up to New York last week and I thought about you. Isn’t it funny that you take people for granted until they’re gone? Have you been saying goodnight to me every night like we planned? I have. What state will you be in next? Do you have a rhythm of riding yet?

We had to make a new chore schedule since you’re gone. I am now on vacuuming and upstairs bathroom in the morning and dishes at night. Matt is supposed to empty the dishwasher and clear and clean the table, which he hardly ever does. When he does, he does such a bad job that I have to do it over.

Bye!

Your sister, April.

Eleven – The Final Straw

"Nothing is to be feared; it is only to be understood."

Marie Curie said it a long time ago, but I figured it applied to my bike trip. I needed to understand the things I feared, which were, at this point, leering men in pick-ups. I was also realizing, as we approached the Illinois state line, that Nate's presence didn't protect me from them.

We arrived in Beechgrove as it was starting to get dark, and stopped in front of the small market. “How’re y’all this evening?” a large man boomed, coming out the door. His face was large and red and his voice was about as big as he was.

“Fine, thanks," I said. "We’re actually wondering if there’s anywhere around we could set up our tents around here.”

“You don’t hafta look any further!” the man boomed again. “I’m Bob, and y’all kin camp in the backyard of the grocery store, of course! I own it,” he added. "Lots of cyclers come through here, and I like 'em."

“Hey—thanks!” I said, surprised and happy that five minutes had yielded us a campsite.

“No problem,” he said, “it’s a pleasure to do anythin’ to make a pretty girl smile!”

Comments such as his—from men in grocery stores, gas stations, and convenience shops—had been way too common lately. My estimation of our host promptly plummeted.

We followed Bob behind his store, and I didn't say anything.

“You two kin jest set up right back in the yard,” he said, pointing to some lovely grass. “You kin use our shower too—we got one in the store—and there’s a stove in that there garage if you wanta use it… Ya know, lots o' times the cyclers don’t stop here anymore. Used to be, Bikecentennial groups stopped at Beechgrove all the time. By ther way, who are you two?”

“I’m Nate,” said Nate.

“I’m Sarabeth,” I said, a little tersely.

“Nice to meet you,” said Bob. As we walked away, he winked at Nate, “Hey! How far did ya hafta ride to get that one?” His head jerked toward me. “Musta taken a while...she’s quite a catch.”

I was absolutely fuming as we walked back to our tents. “How dare he talk like that!” I said.

“Oh cool off!” Nate said irritably. “Don’t let it bother you!”

“I can’t help letting it ‘bother me!’ I know he's being nice to us by letting us stay here and all, but still! I’m tired of going into stores with you and having the male clerks talk only to you. I’m tired of them commenting about me—not to me—like I’m some piece of meat that you’ve happened to drag in. I’m...”

“Just stop it!” said Nate. “It’s not so bad. You always assume that everyone’s out to get you!”

“No I don’t—that’s not the point…” I trailed off. And I certainly can’t discuss this topic with you! I thought. I didn’t say anything, just stomped inside the store and took my turn in the shower.

As I scrubbed several days of grime off myself, I thought about it. Maybe it was my problem, as Nate so considerately suggested. After all, this was how those men had learned to relate to women.

But that’s not right! I thought vehemently as I tried to remove the everlasting grease stains from my leg. It’s not right! Just because they’ve been brought up that way doesn’t make it okay—it doesn’t mean that I'm going to accept it. I am not a commodity, ripe for the trading.

I gave up on the grease stains and realized that I was exhausted. I finished the shower and went outside, as the sun disappeared in the west with a display of purple light.

Then I sank down in my tent and heard an ominous Pop! from my kneecap. My mind quickly switched gears to the pain that followed, and I wondered if 69 miles had been a few too many.

≈

My knee got worse overnight, and the next day's 55-mile ride caused me to wince more than once. We hadn't had a layover since Berea, and I needed one now.

To make matters worse, Nate and I had another argument as we set up camp in the Marion city park pavilion. He said something about the church hostels we’d stayed in so far, and how they were an example of Christian generosity and charity. Then he added, “…It bothers me when places like that give so much, and everyone's willing to take from them without believing in their ideas. I think it’s hypocritical.”

I can’t remember exactly what I said, except that I wondered what not believing in Christ had to do with accepting kindness from someone who did, and vice-versa.

Then, “…You wouldn’t understand anyway,” Nate snapped finally. “After all, the Jews killed Christ.”

Later, after an hour or two of cold, icy silence, Nate suggested that we tell one another exactly why we found it difficult to get along. What ensued was a fairly good discussion, but we both said the same thing. We each felt that when one of us said something, the other person automatically contradicted the statement without thinking about it.

"Gosh," said Nate, "that's all? That’s easy! All we have to do is not contradict if the other person speaks first." That, I told him, didn’t sound like a good solution at all, but I said I’d go along with his plan since I couldn’t provide a better one myself. What I didn’t say out loud was that it was about time for me to muster the courage to tell Nate that we should part ways.

In Carbondale I’ll figure it out, I promised. Just a couple more days.

≈

It was May 18 when we crossed the Ohio River on a tiny ferry and entered Illinois. For almost a week I’d been having vivid dreams that I was home, about to leave on my trip again. In each dream, there were different friends helping me get ready, and they were all giving me advice (though I couldn't remember what they'd said when I got up). I kept waking up muddled each morning and wondering what it was about.

We started riding into Carbondale as the sky clouded over, and we heard menacing weather reports from the man in a general store. It was one of those blah kinds of days, where nothing went wrong exactly, but nothing seemed right either. Nate was in a bad mood and I suppose I was too, and we did nothing but argue. Every topic that came up turned out to be a bone of contention between us; and after every short exchange of words, I jerked my pedals and sighed and stared straight ahead at the road furiously. The gray weather only exacerbated my bad mood.

It started to drizzle when we entered the outlying suburbs of the first large-ish city I'd been to in ages. Also, I thought we'd gone too far. “I think we missed the turnoff for Pleasant Hill Road,” I said to Nate, and we stopped to look at the map.

“No,” said Nate, “I don't think we missed it. Let’s just keep going.”

I didn’t want to, because I didn't like not knowing where I was. “No,” I suggested in my best imitation of a calm voice, “let’s go back and see if we did miss it.”

“You are always so nervous!” Nate said hotly. “Let’s just be adventurous for once and go straight ahead!” His retort silenced me, but I rode on with my teeth clenched and an about-to-explode feeling in my chest.

Two minutes later, we passed a junction and I said triumphantly, “We DID miss the other turnoff. East Grand Street is the one after Pleasant Hill.”

“So it is,” said Nate. “Well, we can turn here and get there just fine anyway.” He didn’t get mad, which frustrated me even more, because I wanted him to be as hot and bothered as I was. I felt like stomping my feet and having a good long cry. But since I was clipped into the pedals, I decided against the former. And since crying would only cloud up my vision, I decided against that too.

As we rode up the narrow road the wind increased, and so did traffic because now it was rush hour. The small drops of rain ran down my back. All my efforts were concentrated on not falling off the road or hitting debris or swerving into a car in the process. And then, CRUNCH. I rode over something. I heard Nate talking in a sing-song voice behind me, but I couldn't make out the words.

“What did you say?”

“Do you know what you just rode over?” he said sweetly.

“No,” I said shortly.

“A little baby turtle,” said Nate, even sweeter. “I can’t believe you did that—I thought you liked animals. I thought you were a vegetarian. I thought you didn’t like to kill things. Such a young turtle. I thought you....”

“Shut up!” I yelled. We didn’t talk much for the rest of the way.

≈

That night we stayed with the Bike Surgeon, whom we’d read about back at the Elk Garden hostel. In the Pippa Passes hostel logbook, a person had described him as "a hippie who rode into town twenty years ago and never left.” Nate and I stood in front of his house, barely talking, and the rain came down, hard.

The Bike Surgeon—otherwise known as Mark—was tall and thin, with a long face and wild hair. “Hello!” he said when he answered the door. “You guys made it to the right place. Come on in!”

Nate and I were not on the best of terms after the turtle, and when we’d settled in and begun to make dinner, we had another civil debate. Mark's girlfriend Rachel had asked us what we ate on the road, and Nate said something like, “Oh, beans and rice and peanut butter, mostly.”

“We do eat well though,” I added, “and we’ve made some pretty good soups and things lately.”

While we were cooking, Nate reminded me of the conversation. “See? That’s what I meant the other day! That’s just the kind of thing that really drives me crazy!”

"What do you mean?" I asked, honestly confused.

“You know what I mean. It’s like you always need to contradict what I say, like you never think what I say is enough. You always jump in when I’m telling stories!”

“But they are our stories,” I pointed out.

“That’s not the point,” he said. “I’m tired of always feeling like what I say isn’t right.”

"The thing is,” I said, “never once have I said anything like, ‘we do eat well’ in order to prove you ‘wrong’. It was just something that popped into my head—a comment.”

“That’s not the point,” he said again. “The point is, when you do it drives me crazy.”

At that moment Mark’s girlfriend, Rachel walked cheerfully into the kitchen. Nate and I smiled frostily and didn’t look at each other.

“So,” she said, “have you been riding together the whole way?” We told her how we met up in Roanoke three weeks ago. Then Rachel said, “Well, I think it’s just great that you two could meet up and ride together for so long and still get along so well!”

Twelve – Figuring Things Out

I slept fitfully in Mark and Rachel's spare room, and had the same dream about being at home and leaving again. When I finally crawled out of my sleeping bag the next morning, I wandered into downtown Carbondale, alone. It was obvious that Nate and I couldn’t stay together for even a couple of days longer.

You just have to do it, I told myself as I walked the tree-lined streets. You have to ride by yourself. Facing challenges is the reason you took this trip, right? Tell him it’s time to leave.

It’s so hard, though! was my next thought. How do I do it?

You’ll find a way, I assured myself. My walk had taken me over the railroad tracks, and I was standing in front of the local food co-op.

“Do you need any help today?” I asked the woman behind the counter. “I belong to a food co-op back where I live, and I’d love to work for the afternoon.”

Mindy Harmon had a pony-tail and a nice smile, and she put me to work packaging granola and beans. It was the most fun I’d had in ages. I proved to myself that I could have a perfectly nice day alone.

When I got home, I asked Nate to go on ahead when he was ready to leave Carbondale.

Nate didn’t say much, just, “Okay.” He must have been relieved—one of us needed to say something.

The next day, we said goodbye as Nate wheeled his bike out of the garage. We hugged each other and promised to send updates to each other’s mail drops later on. Neither of us said much. It felt awkward and strangely unemotional, but we said goodbye warmly and I thought we left on friendly terms.

As he rode around the corner of the house I said, “Good luck!”

“Good luck!” Nate’s voice floated back. “I’ll be praying for you!” Then he was gone, his heavy bike leaving tire trails in the damp grass.

And that was that—I was alone again. Fear flooded every bone in my body, but I was free, light as air, alone with my thoughts again.

That night, I didn’t dream about being at home and leaving again; I dreamt of riding my bike through the Blue Ridge Mountains. If you believe in those things, that dream had been telling me to move on to a new part of my journey. I was pretty sure I wouldn't have the dream again.

≈

Until one is committed

There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back

Always ineffectiveness.

…the moment one definitely commits oneself

Then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one

That would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issue from the decision

Raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings

And material assistance

Which no man could have dreamt would come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can,

Begin it.

Boldness has genius, power, and

Magic in it.

Begin it now.

--Goethe

Part Two – Shifting Gears

Thirteen – Riding With Dad

"Squish, squash, squish, squash!" After a rain, the tires slurped mud and spattered it onto the fenders. In bad harmony, Dad and I would sing "The Mud Song," gleefully stretching out the vowels:

Mud, mud, gloooooorious MUUUUUD!

Nothing quite like it for SOOOOOTHING the blood.

So follow me, foooooollow—down to the HOOOOLLOW,

And there we will WAAAALLOW in GLOOORIOUS....GLOOORIOUS, mud!

The air was sweet with springtime, birds sang, and for me at age two, sitting on the back of dad's bike, life couldn't get much better.

For two years, when I was two and three, Dad pedaled me to Colonial Park on every nice afternoon. We had a special route along the river, across the bridge, and through the unfinished housing development in Somerset, New Jersey where builders had made dirt roads and homesites and then temporarily abandoned the project.

"Why aren't they making the houses anymore, Daddy?" I would ask, as we passed vacant lots of flowers and brush.

"Because the economy stinks, Sara!"

I would giggle. "Why does the 'conomy stink, Daddy?"

My father would explain that we were in a recession; that something called "capitalism" wasn't working as well as some idiots thought it would, and that the house-builders didn't have the money to finish the development, which would be ugly anyway.

Although I was three years old now, I wasn't too worried about the effects of capitalism. I was snug on the back of dad's bike, and I thought trees and black-eyed-susans were better than houses anyway.

Then we'd get to the playground and, capitalism forgotten, I'd jump off the bike and play on the old, red-painted concrete turtle. The turtle was multipurpose—good for climbing, hiding, and sitting—and it was my favorite thing in the playground.

Riding home, I'd be tired and sometimes quiet, lulled by the rhythm of the wheels and dad's pedaling. I couldn't see over him but I'd look to the sides and watch things speed by. Twelve m.p.h. was just fast enough, and all through the year, I'd watch the scenery change with the seasons; I'd watch the ducks migrating, the trees budding and later turning gold and red. We always rode the same way, but the views were constantly shifting and growing and changing like I was.

Each night after our ride I'd fall asleep, unaware that fourteen years later I'd be riding my bike much farther than Colonial Park. I'd be admiring flowers and learning about capitalism and playing with turtles on that future trip, but my seventeen-year-old self wouldn't have the security of dad pedaling me to a familiar place in an old brown bike seat. Back then, I took that security for granted.

Fourteen – Jeff and Wyeth

The day after Nate rode away, I met my future husband at the Bike Surgeon’s house in Carbondale. His name was Jeff, but of course I had no idea who he was at the time. He and his friend Wyeth had just arrived, and when I came back from town I saw them standing in Mark’s combination bicycle shop-front porch. Their bike shorts gave them away as cyclists. They were both tall and lanky; one had light blond hair and one had blondish-brown. The sort-of-brown-haired one grinned at me, and thought I was there to see the Bike Surgeon.

The first words I heard my future husband speak were, “Hey Mark, there’s a customer here to see you!”

“Oh, I’m not a customer,” I said.

Rachel was smiling as she walked in. “Gosh, Sara, I was wondering where you were! Did you meet Jeff and Wyeth? They're on the TransAm too—came from Cave-In-Rock today.”

"Hey!" said Jeff. “I just realized we heard about you before! Remember, Wy? Back in Virginia somewhere—what's your name again? I'm Jeff…" As we continued to talk, we made our way into the Bike Surgeon's cavernous living room and sank into the squishy cushioned couch.

Several hours later, still talking and laughing, we took a rainy walk through downtown Carbondale toward Quatro's Pizza Parlor.

“…So where did you hear about me first?” I asked the guys when we'd settled into a booth. The place was packed, and I practically had to yell to be heard over the hubbub of the young dinner crowd. No bare-your-soul introductions here.

“I guess it was the Blue Heron Café in Lexington,” Wyeth said.

“The lady said you'd passed through a couple weeks before," Jeff added. "You'd stayed with her sister's family or something. Then in the Elk Garden hostel we read your entry in the logbook and realized we were gaining on you."

“We started thinking we might catch up," Wyeth said, "but you wrote something about planning to do some eighty-mile days. There was no way we were doing eighty milers!"

“Eighty-miles?” I laughed in disbelief. “I don’t remember writing that!”

“You did though," Jeff said. "You wrote down your itinerary, you and that guy you were traveling with."

“Huh. I guess that must've been wishful thinking…”

We ordered a large pizza when the waitress came by. I was starving, and I hoped it would be cyclists' large.

"…Anyway, what happened to Nate?" asked Wyeth. "I take it he's not here anymore?"

"Actually, he left yesterday," I said. "We—ah—well, we weren't real compatible."

The guys didn't ask for details, and I didn't volunteer. I didn't want to talk about Nate right now; I hadn't been in such a good mood for a long time. I’ve laughed more tonight than I have in ages! I thought.

Our conversation drifted toward the Trail, and we started sharing stories about our respective trips-of-a-lifetime.

"…Remember Booneville," Jeff was saying, "that church place with the lovely pit latrine? Did you meet Reverend Dean?"

“No…”

“That’s too bad—he was a character. He told us he went coon huntin' with parishioners, and he showed us his beeper and Jeep Cherokee. He said he used to smoke pot in the sixties but he doesn't any more, despite the fact that Booneville's major cash crop is marijuana. But he still couldn't answer the one question I asked him about Jesus: he didn't know why Jesus cured one blind man but not the other.”

“What?” I asked, laughing at Jeff's serious expression.

“I asked him why he only picked one blind guy to heal instead of both of them—and he didn’t know.”

Jeff and Wyeth laugh at religion, I thought with relief. I had a feeling they wouldn't try to talk me into converting to Christianity and the Saving Powers of Jesus Christ.

“…Do you wanna ride together tomorrow?” I asked the guys when we'd finished every scrap of pizza.

“Well, we were planning to take a day off tomorrow,” Wyeth said. “But…”

“But we’re always planning on taking days off,” said Jeff, laughing, “so we can take one some other time.”

≈

When I decided to ride my bicycle across the country, I knew hardly anything about bike mechanics. Hubs and derailleurs seemed mysteriously complicated, I had only a foggy idea of the use for a cone wrench, and I couldn't have identified a crank puller if it had knocked me on the head. So before I left on my trip, I set out to learn how bicycles work.

“Um, I was wondering,” I said on the breezy September afternoon when I first went into our local bike shop, “if I could volunteer here and learn about bikes and maintenance.”

The man behind the counter said, “Huh?”

“Well, see,” I began again, “I’m planning to ride my bike across the country next summer and I don’t know anything about bicycles.” Great. That really sounded stupid. “So anyway,” I rushed on, “I was wondering if I could come in and help you out and maybe you could teach me some stuff about fixing bikes and things.”

The man was perplexed. “How old are you?”

“Sixteen.”

“Well, we couldn’t pay you—we've got plenty of mechanics.”

“Well, I’m not a mechanic by any stretch of the imagination, anyway! I just want to learn about bicycles." It probably did seem ludicrous: a sixteen-year-old girl who could barely tell a sprocket from a spoke wrench, stating that she was going to ride her bicycle across the country next year.

“I suppose so,” the man said uncertainly. “You just want to come in and work? I need to talk it over with my wife, but I think it's fine. Why don’t you come by next week and we’ll figure things out…”

Until the end of March I spent eight hours a week in the shop, vacuuming, doing odd jobs, cleaning, and learning to assemble and repair bicycles. I also spent quite a bit of time being teased unmercifully by the college guys who worked there.

“So, you’ve never been to school?” Mike would narrow his eyes every time he started in with me. “You’re a homeschooler, aren’t you?” He sure was slow—I’d told him that I didn’t go to school at least a dozen times already.

“Yeah,” I would reply, trying to show with my monosyllables that I didn’t find him amusing.

“Well then,” he would say slowly, expertly adjusting a derailleur as he talked, “how do you learn anything? More importantly, for that matter: how do you meet guys?" He leered, leaning toward me. "Hey Frank and Marty—do you realize this kid’s not gonna get to go to the prom?? So, Homeschooler, do you have a boyfriend?” I’d hear Frank and Marty laughing above the hiss of the air compressor or the rattle of tools on the workbench.

Mike made me squirm, and I didn’t want him to see that, no matter what. I’d act uncaring and indifferent to his teasing. First I’d say something like, “To loosen the spoke you turn it to the left, right?” I’d listen for his answer before replying, “…No, I don’t have a boyfriend. Also, I actually don’t have any desire to go to a prom. And anyway, you’ve asked me all these questions before. Why do you care so much about my social life?”

Working at the bike shop was the beginning of a year spent in a men’s domain. Men worked in the shop, and the store’s clientele was almost exclusively male. On the trip itself, I was surrounded by men I encountered in grocery stores, gas stations, and the cycling community on the road. When I decided to ride my bicycle across the country, I walked into male territory in a way I never had before when I was dancing or doing theatre.

≈

When I pedaled into Carbondale, Illinois and had been traveling for two months, I'd begun to wonder about my (lack of) skill in the area of relating to men. Why was I able to meet so many nice women and not many men at all? I was thinking about Nate specifically, but there were others. There were the various strangers—male—who'd hooted from pick-up trucks. There was Bob at the Beechgrove Grocery, and all the other male shopkeepers I'd complained about to Nate. There was the man who'd said I should hop into his car to escape from any "bears" that might eat me up. Then there was the 55-year-old man, who, in central Virginia, had offered me a "back rub" to ease my aching muscles.

The list went on, I realized dismally after saying goodbye to Nate, and I began to wonder if getting along with men would always be a mystery. That would sort of curtail romantic opportunities, I thought. I really need to figure out guys!

Then I met Jeff and Wyeth. And within twenty-four hours, I realized that there was nothing to figure out. With them I felt comfortable, and I decided that there was hope for my social skills after all.

Fifteen – Crossing the Mississippi

Our trio’s first ride together brought us to the Missouri border—the Mississippi River—and into the thunderstorm that landed us in the living room of a generous stranger named Ruby Dallas.

Afterward we thought we were done with storms for the day, and we rode along, happy in the Illinois springtime. For the first time in days, I could see for more than a half-mile in either direction. Crops grew in wide, flat fields, roads went straight, and we knew we were out of the Appalachians.

The Chester City Police, we decided later, were the chattiest police we'd encountered yet. Not only did they give us permission to camp in the park, but they recommended the best restaurants, best sights to see, and best way to cross the river. All of their recommendations were at least 15 miles away—not appropriate for a casual evening outing on a bike—but the five officers told us anyway. "…Let us know if there's anythin' we kin do for y'all," said one, when we finally headed out of the station. "We'll come by to check on y'all a little later! You do know there's a storm warning fer tonight, don't ya?" A tall officer winked at the others. "If you decide to, we'll drive ya to the hotel."

While we ate dinner in the park pavilion, we decided the officer was exaggerating about the storm. After all, how could the sky have any water left to dump after the afternoon's deluge? We ate dinner leisurely, a breeze rustling small clouds through the sky.

Since the ground outside the pavilion sloped steeply, I showed Jeff and Wyeth the way Nate and I had slept on picnic tables to save time setting up the tents. We were setting up "camp" that way when a police car drove up.

“How are y'all gittin’ along?” the tall officer asked. “I’m jist coming by to tell ya the storm is gittin' close.” He pulled out his pocket radio and listened to the unintelligible garble that came forth. After a minute he said, “Yep, it’s about twenty minutes away, comin' fast.” He surveyed our camp doubtfully. “Are you gonna be okay? I could still take y'all to that hotel—if ya don't think that's cheatin'. It could be pretty bad tonight.”

We looked at each other, but Wyeth volunteered, “No, let's stick it out. We’ll probably be okay.”

“Well, I’m gonna check on you later. If you decide on that motel, you let me know. Good luck!” With that, he got back into his patrol car and drove away.

Storm Number Two arrived with a gust of wind that sent our things flying willy-nilly into the air. Our sleeping bags bucked in our grasp like wild things, and as we watched the wind fly through the open sides of the pavilion, we realized—too late—that the rain could come in just as easily. Five minutes later, it did. As we stuffed things into plastic bags, the rain hit, as violently as it had in the afternoon. And Storm Number Two began giving Storm Number One a run for its money.

The rain poured and thunder roared, and Storm Number Two displayed its trump card: slashes of lightning that came so quickly that I couldn't even count the seconds between the bolts and the roars of thunder. The ground fairly shook, and gashes of light lit up the park like it was the middle of the day. Within seconds, veritable rivers were flowing on either side of the pavilion. I looked over at Jeff and Wyeth, their faces flickering in the garish light, and moved closer to them. The three of us watched the show, not talking much, while rain seeped down our necks and up our backs despite the raingear.

Two police cars came by after about half an hour, and turned on their loudspeakers. What we heard went something like this:

“Hello (garble BANG zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz BANG)! Are you (CRASH static BAM zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz garble)? 70 MPH winds (BANG CRASH blippity BOOM!). Do you (KABOOM zzzzzzzzzzzzzz BANG zzzzzzz CRASH)? Will come later (bloppity blip BAM) IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS, BLINK YOUR FLASHLIGHT TWICE! (BOOM!)”

Wyeth blinked the flashlight, moments before Jeff or I said, “But we didn't understand! Did you?” and the police cars drove off into the roaring storm.

“Uh…no…” said Wyeth, a little sheepishly.

At 11:30 the storm finally wound down, and with inexplicable speed, the night was quiet. It's funny, I thought as I crawled into my sleeping bag, but somehow I it’s like I've known Jeff and Wyeth for years.

≈

Thursday night, in front of a convenience store, I met a young woman who asked me excitedly about my trip. “Gawsh!” she said finally. “I’ve always wanted to travel. I never been anywhere but Florida"—she said it "Flow-ri-da," like three separate words—"and besides that, I’ve never been more'n twenty-five miles away. I’d just love to leave this town.”

“I think it’s beautiful!” I said.

“Well, that’s ‘cause you don’t live here!” said the girl matter-of-factly. “It’s so boring you wouldn’t believe. I’d love to do something like what ya’ll are doin’, but I jist got married and I've got a three-month-old kid at home, and I jist couldn’t ever do it. Even if I didn’t have the kid I couldn’t do it—I’m not brave like you.” She was quiet for about two seconds. “Say! Do y'all like parties? There’s gonna be a great one tonight, jist about five miles down that road, and we’d love it if you came! Will you? It'll be so much fun!”

I explained that actually, we would probably get to bed early tonight, but thanks for the invite.

“Well, if you change your mind, just come over! Now listen—have a great ole' trip to Oregon, and I’ll be thinkin’ about you!” Her friends had arrived to pick her up, and she drove off in their jeep with the music blaring.

“She was so young!” I said sorrowfully to Wyeth. “So young…"

The girl's face haunted me for the rest of the evening. It was a little-girl face, naive and blossoming. But she'd said she was married, with a baby. I wondered where the baby was while its child-mother cavorted around town. I wondered why most people said that wherever they lived was “boring.” And I marveled at how different people could have such different lives. The girl couldn’t have more than two years older than I was.

≈

Riding into Centreville, Missouri, at the end of the week, I tried to understand how sweat alone could cause so many airborne dirt particles to stick to my skin. I couldn't remember ever feeling so clammy and dirty. I'm glad we're nearly there, I thought doggedly. Fifty miles is plenty. I was ready to pitch my tent, crawl into it, and fall asleep. Maybe I'd even skip brushing my teeth—that would take more energy than I felt like I had at this moment.

According to the detailed service listing for today's TransAm map section, we'd have several choices for camping in Centreville. Our options, however, turned out to be more limited than we'd thought. Five miles outside of town, we saw a sign for Pines Campground, eight miles north over a ridge. No way were we pedaling sixteen extra miles, we all agreed. We never even saw Jackson’s—and as for West Fork, the place looked as if the very trees were about to fall down, forget about the run-down shack that proclaimed “Camping.” A city park would beat that kind of campsite, we decided, and we continued pedaling.

But Centreville was a ghost town, deserted except for the gas station/restaurant with a few dented pick-ups in front. The town square was incongruously enormous and quiet, and was surrounded by tiny houses. The man in the gas station directed us up a rutty, muddy, flooded road toward the city park.

I had to crane my neck to see across the baseball field. The billowing sea of green grass grew as high as my chest, and in the distance, I saw a rickety pavilion. No games had been played on this field for a long time. There didn’t appear to be bathrooms anywhere. And there wasn’t any way to get our bikes through the tall grass even if we did want to camp there.

We retraced our path to the town square, and sank down on the benches to eat something. “I don’t think I can pedal any more,” I said unhappily. My legs felt like rubber. The air felt heavy, too, and the gray skies were beginning to get to me. We ate mostly in silence, and then we got out the maps. Beyond Centreville there was nothing until Ellington, fourteen miles away and over three ridges.

I groaned. “I don’t wanna go any farther.”

“Yeah, but what else can we do?” asked Wyeth. “Those other campgrounds weren't exactly hospitable.” I groaned again.

I rode the next fourteen miles on sheer willpower, by following Wyeth’s steady lead and laughing at Jeff’s jokes. Without the latter, I wondered if I could have made it.

“…Did Wyeth and I tell you about our plan for the ‘flattening out of America’?” Jeff asked me. Our tires sang rhythmically, KATHUNK, KATHUNK as we rode over cracks in the cement.

“No,” I giggled, “what is it?”

“Well, see after the Appalachians, Wyeth and I had this idea that if we were ever elected president we’d have a campaign to fill in America and make it level—we’ll take all the mountains and use them to fill in the holes so we could ride our bikes straight across. It’s actually part of a continuing plan we have to form our own country. We’re going to call it USAP—the ‘United States of Awesome People.’ We're gonna to be in charge—co-dictators—when we secede from the Union.”

Out of breath, I laughed again. "Then what?" If he keeps talking, I'll make it! I thought.

“Well then, people will consult us for stuff. Because people are always doing stupid things."

“Like…what?” I could only gasp out a few words before I resumed my near-hyperventilation up the hill.

“Like, all sorts of stuff…” Jeff wasn’t as breathless as I was, but he was breathing fast too. "Like polluting, building crummy roads, and making way too many bombers. Or like when they build bridges that are exactly big enough to accommodate the current traffic flow, and forget that in two years there will be more people driving. In USAP, Wyeth and I won’t allow stupid things like that to go on… Hey, doesn’t it seem to you that we’re pedaling as fast as it’s possible to go while traveling as slowly as we are…?”

I was laughing despite bumps in the road, thunder clouds, sore muscles, and a rumbling stomach. At one point I said, “All the cars that pass us must wonder what the heck we’re smiling about!” Although they didn't know it, in the past three day Jeff and Wyeth had made all the difference in my attitude.

That night, in a hotel in Ellington, I took the most-appreciated shower of my life. As I stepped out of the steaming bathroom, there was a knock on the door and Dennis Garrett walked into our room.

“The lady at the desk told me there was some other cyclists here, so I decided to see for myself! I'm ridin' from Billings, MT and I’m headed for Yorktown. And how about you two?”

Jeff popped in from the kitchen. "Three!"

Dennis had ridden his elliptical chain-ring Cannondale from Billings to Ellington in thirty days of riding. With glee, he talked of “dropping” seventy miles in “five and a half hours of seat time.” My legs ached just thinking about it. But Dennis appeared to love his travel style—his joy was the physical challenge.

"Do you have The Book?" Dennis asked at one point. No, we said, which book? Almost reverently, Dennis removed a sodden thing from his front pannier: “Bicycling Coast to Coast, by Donna Lynn Ikenberry. It is The Book," Dennis said. "With a capital 'B.' It's got absolutely everything. It tells you how far to go, where to stay, where to eat. She goes east to west, so I just follow it backward. She gives you directions to the tenth of the mile!" He paused for a moment, relishing the thought of such efficiency and specificity.

Dennis gave us news of the cyclists in front, the ones whom I'd probably never meet but whose progress I’d been tracking since Virginia: James Thomas from Texas, two guys from D.C. and Maine, an Englishman on a mountain bike. There was also a married couple who we hadn't seen in the logbooks yet. We swapped stories and examined each other’s gear and bikes until well into the night.

≈

The Ozarks were a demanding set of hills, and too often the euphoria induced by speeding downhill was immediately squelched at the sight of another dozen steep grades ahead. But one afternoon there was a descent that left me flying high for the rest of the day.

As we reached the final summit of a series of hills, the road appeared to drop off the edge of the world. And for the next two miles, the Ozarks proved themselves as the ‘giant, self-propelled roller coaster’ my TransAm map promised they’d be. I went shooting down one hill, only to pop up on top of the next one without pedaling. I zoomed past trees and mountain homes with a huge smile plastered on my face: I was going 44 mph.

One after another, we rolled off the gorgeous descent and regrouped at the bottom. I pulled up to the guys gasping and laughing. “I think,” I said breathlessly, “that being high on drugs would never compare to that!”

A few hours later, we pulled into a gas station in the bustling town of Eminence. I saw my face in the mirror as I filled my water bottles in the bathroom, and for a moment I didn’t realize who it was.

Then it registered. “That’s you, girl!” I said to my reflection, whose hair was wild under a dirty helmet. “Can you believe that you’re actually doing this trip? Are you crazy?” I grinned timidly at the face in the mirror, almost in awe. Then my smile widened. “Hey you,” I said to that face, sweaty and dirty and tired and cold, “you know what? You’re beautiful!” And at that moment, in a bathroom cubicle in the middle of Missouri, I was beautiful. I was using all my strength, all my determination, all the grit I had in me. That was beauty, I decided as I walked outside into the gray Missouri afternoon.

Sixteen – The Turtle Squad

I'd been traveling with Jeff and Wyeth for a week already, and they'd sounded sincere when they said they liked riding with me. That Thursday, I told my family that we were going to ride together "indefinitely."

"I'm having so much fun with them!" I said to my mom.

"Believe me, I'm very happy about that," my mom said. "I like them already." A moment later, I could have sworn that she sighed with relief.

It was hard to believe that a week ago I'd never met Jeff or Wyeth. I was more comfortable around them than with many people at home who I'd known for years. Both guys laughed at just about anything—and it was useful to have Jeff around, since he could make me laugh even when I was miserably pedaling uphill with sore knees. "My motto," Jeff told me, "is to laugh at anything, as long as I also laugh at myself.” Part of Jeff's skill at humor was that he had an uncanny sense of when not to make a joke. He never laughed at me for riding slowly, or for "taking things seriously" like Nate had. If I said something silly, he never made me feel stupid.

Jeff was a master of procrastination—he didn't, he told us more than once, see the point in doing now what he could do later. He also loathed getting up in the morning. Wyeth and I were invariably awake before he was. And at night, when I was ready to crawl into my tent, Jeff would be ready to talk and hang out all night.

Wyeth was like me—he liked to be organized, neat and on time. Partly because of that, he was the duo's designated cook.

Jeff was the dishwasher, because he'd decided that cleaning was the lesser of two evils. Wyeth would neatly place the soap and sponge next to the stacked dirty dishes, and Jeff carefully saved them to wash the next day.

≈

On May 31, I sat in the pavilion in the city park in Houston, Missouri—in Texas County—writing in my journal. It was already dark, but the pavilion was full of action. In one corner was the silhouette of Jeff, amateur juggler. Nearby stood the tall, lanky figure of Wyeth sorting through his panniers; and across from me, our new friend Roel was playing—or rather, practicing—the saxophone that he'd removed from a large black case on the back of his bike.

We had left our camp outside Summersville at ten o’clock that morning, the forest shining bright green around us as we bumped down the driveway to the road.

We’d stopped for groceries in town when a man rode into the parking lot on a loaded touring bicycle. “You must be Sarabeth!” he said to me, with a vague accent. Then to the guys, “And one of you must be Wyeth!”

Roel Mazure's bike was heavily loaded, and his body looked like pure muscle. He told us that he began his trip in NYC and would end in San Francisco. And as soon as introductions were over, and we discovered that Roel’s destination for the evening was also Houston, the four of us rode out of Summersville together on Hwy 106.

Roel was from the Netherlands. He smoked cigarettes, drank beer for lunch, didn't wear his helmet, made broad hand gestures to passing motorists as he swerved into the middle of the road, drank very little water, ate hardly anything, and muscled up the hills faster than everyone—especially me.

He also made disparaging observations about American people and society.

“I just cannot believe how many fat people there are here!” he informed us as we pedaled under skies that were, surprisingly enough, gray. “I rode my bike the first few days, and all I could see was fat people. People in your country never walk anywhere!" Roel got so worked up that his bicycle wobbled back and forth. "You three are the most healthy Americans I’ve ever seen.”

≈

Roel had been with us for three days when we adopted a name for our group: “The Turtle Squad.”

"Tens and Tens of Turtles Saved—that's our motto," said Jeff. Rescuing turtles was definitely a worthy cause, since dozens of them used the road as a through highway. We'd gently pick them up and lift them to the side, feeling like we'd done something important.

The night we christened ourselves, we camped at the quiet city park in Marshfield that doubled as a fairgrounds. We decided to forego pitching the tents again, and set up "camp" inside a long, open barn that was lined with narrow tables—passable as beds. The night was calm and peaceful, and after some giggling and talking, we fell soundly asleep.

At around three a.m., I woke up with a start. Was it my imagination, or did I hear the sound of gravel skidding under the wheels of a car?

Almost immediately I heard it again, and saw Roel and Jeff and Wyeth sitting up sleepily on the tables nearby. Then suddenly the blinding glare of headlights flooded the barn and I blinked and covered my eyes. There was a car—a pickup—at one end of our makeshift bedroom, and it had driven right up to the wooden barrier.

"WAKE UP!!!" someone yelled loudly. "Wake up, you assholes!" Then everyone in the car started yelling and cursing at once. There was loud honking, raucous laughter, and they sharply backed up. The pick-up drove quickly around the barn, our tormentors evidently frustrated that they couldn’t get in. When they came back around, there was more shouting and honking, and the headlights spilled into the barn again.

"Wake up, fuckin' bikers!"

I don’t have any shorts on! I thought suddenly. I frantically pulled them on, got tangled in my sleeping bag in the process, and practically fell off the table. Then I lay breathless, helplessly listening to the barrage of insults pouring out of the pickup truck. They were probably kids, probably drunk, I reasoned. Should I get up? I looked around at the others, and decided that since they were staying still, I would too. I grabbed my MACE, even though I had no idea how it would be useful now.

Meanwhile, the car drove around the barn again. “WAKE UP!" someone shouted again; they needn't have worried: we were up, all right. "Wake up, you fuckin' Butthole Bikers!"

“Try coming in here and saying that!” I heard Roel’s furious statement before he launched into a litany of Dutch. Soon after, with a roar and a skid on the gravel, the car drove away and didn’t come back. I slept in my shorts, just to be sure.

≈

"Such hills today!" I wrote in my journal the next day. "Over and up they go, and when I reach the top, a breathtaking descent follows that makes my eyes water and my soul (or maybe my stomach?) leap with joy. I love the downhills, but then come the ups—and I can’t say I’ll be sad to see them smooth out tomorrow as we head towards Kansas."

That day, Roel taught us some Dutch.

Wyeth was saying how he wanted to name his bike. “We’ve been wanting to do it since Virginia," he added, "but we couldn't think of any good names. We haven’t tried another language, though… Hey Roel—how do you say bicycle in Dutch?”

“Fiets,” answered the red-jerseyed Hollander.

“I could name mine ‘Fiets Friday!’ ” Wyeth said.

“That's your last name—like the day of the week?”

“Yeah.”

“In Dutch, we say ‘Fridoch.’”

“Cool!" said Wyeth, "I like that even better. Okay: I christen you, my trusty Peugeot, Fiets Fridoch!”

"We wanted to name the bikes after we left Damascus,” Jeff said. “We stayed at a hostel with the Appalachian Trail hikers, and they all had trail names.”

Wyeth laughed. “Remember how they were all kinda hobbling around, with blisters on their feet and stuff? Bandages, too. And remember how we'd ridden only thirty miles that day and they were flabbergasted?"

"Well, my ego rose a few notches!" said Jeff. "And I was pretty glad after that that we were riding, not hiking. But I liked how people got trail names. There was 'Big Bird,' and ‘Toots'—she farted a lot. There were lots of others, too, and they wanted to know what our names were. I was like, ‘uh…Jeff,’ and Wyeth was like, ‘uh…Wyeth.' Not very impressive…"

≈

Almost every church that we’d passed since VA had a billboard outside, sometimes with blinking lights, proclaiming the wonders of God. “Jesus Saves,” was a popular saying. One day in Missouri, though, we passed one that read, “Sign broken—message inside.”

“At least they had a sense of humor,” said Wyeth. “Wouldn’t it make a great little coffee table book if we went around the country photographing these signs? Hey Jeff—remember that one we saw…back in Illinois, I think?”

“Oh, yeah,” Jeff answered as we began coasting downhill, “it said ‘Woe unto the Wicked…’ ” We zoomed away then, the wind carrying our voices away into the cloudy Missouri afternoon.

≈

When we left Golden City, Missouri on a gray June morning, I was glum and gloomy for no particular reason as I pedaled lethargically toward the state of Kansas. I was tired of gray weather and I missed my family. But at the border of my fifth state, my spirits lifted. Maybe it was the bright sunflower on the “Welcome to Kansas” sign on the side of the road. Maybe it was the sunshine that finally poked through the clouds as we arrived at the sign. Maybe it was the smile from the first woman we talked to in the state, who said “Welcome to Kansas, and enjoy your stay!” As Wyeth snapped my photo at the sunflower sign, the enormity of the trip hit me for the millionth time—and Colorado seemed less like a dream than a soon-to-be-adventure.

The four of us camped in Lincoln Park, the largest city park we'd seen yet. It had a mini amusement park, a small train that drove around the perimeter of the playground, a huge picnic area, and an enormous sports complex.

After a round of miniature golf, we sat on our picnic-table beds and talked for a long time, Jeff making fun, as usual, of my lack of pop-culture awareness. He was always talking about music and television shows and movies which I’d never heard of before. Around ten-thirty, Jeff and Wyeth were sitting opposite me, laughing about something. I watched them for awhile.

"You guys are so cool," I said finally. "I hardly ever see guys have a close friendship like you do." Most twenty-something guys I met at home, who had their own jobs and girlfriends, slapped each other on the back and talked about sports teams.

“Friends like Wyeth are pretty rare,” Jeff said. “I’ve never met anyone like him.”

≈

Thursday, June 5, was the easiest 60+ miles I’d ever ridden. For the first time since Illinois the sun shone all day, the terrain was flat, and we had a gentle tailwind most of the day. The miles fairly flew, and it was great not to be the turtle of the Turtle Squad—I could actually keep up all the time and join in the conversation. The exciting event of the day was getting a copy of Bicycling Coast To Coast, by Donna Lynn Ikenberry. I had ordered it last week and had it sent general delivery.

The Turtle Squad held its farewell supper in Chanute, in a small Mexican restaurant at the edge of the town. The décor was questionably tasteful, the food mediocre, but it was the company that counted. I almost started to cry. "Are you sure you have to go ahead?" I asked Roel.

"Yes," he said. Later, after the trip, he told me that one of the best weeks of his journey had been when he traveled with us—and that for the rest of his ride, he had wished he'd stayed with us longer.

That night, I wrote in my journal:

I can’t believe it’ll be summer soon. The time goes by like crazy. Today was so much fun, and it’s so hard to make it sound right in here. The jokes don’t sound the same when I try to transcribe them, the humor and laughter of our days seems empty on paper, and I dread the thought of forgetting it all. When this trip is over, I want to remember these dear people, the intensity and warmth and humor of our interactions, the loneliness and beauty of the land, the inexplicable sorrows and joys of traveling on a bike.

Seventeen – A Rolling Community

After riding through Toronto, Kansas, we started meeting other cyclists nearly every day.

Elizabeth and Roger were pedaling in style, laid-back on recumbents. At camp, they unloaded their inflatable picnic-table-cushions and tablecloth, and out of Elizabeth's bike trailer jumped Rose the dog, who generally rode in a laundry basket. They rode casually, and took layover days often—like we did.

But many other cyclists we met didn't seem to be pedaling leisurely enough to see anything. There was Chris and Chris and Brian, three college guys who seemed to be on a mission to cover as many miles a day as they could. When we met them, at Toronto Lake State Park, they were planning a 150-mile ride for the next day. In the morning I rolled over and slept for three more hours when I heard them get up around 4:30 or 5:00.

Then there was Glen, tanned and fifty-ish, who had ridden 35 miles by the time we met him at ten o’clock one morning. He told us he'd just passed the Adventure Cycling Association tour group.

"You'll meet 'em today," he said, “if you camp in Eureka.” And to me he added, "They've been reading about you since Virginia, and there’s nine guys and no women in that group—they’re real eager to see you!”

Stefan, the only younger person in the ACA group of men, was 20. When he rode into the Eureka City park that afternoon, he slid to a halt, jumped off his bike, tossed it onto the grass, and said in his German accent, “I can’t tell you how glad I am to meet you!”

After dinner, he said “Let me come with you to town.”

“Uh—okay,” I said, “but I’m gonna make a phone call—you sure you want to?"

“Yes,” replied Stefan, “it would be my pleasure.”

We headed down the ratty sidewalk, Stefan walking so close that I practically went off the pavement. I was glad we had our trips to talk about, because I didn't know what to say. When we reached the pay phone I called home, which took at least twenty minutes because my entire family was there.

When I finally hung up, Stefan said, “You must love your family a lot. You look happy.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I do.”

My thoughts were still on home and family when Stefan continued, “Now. Let us go to the café I saw—would you like a soda or something?”

There was a rather awkward silence, because I didn’t want a soda, I didn’t want to be rude, and I also didn’t want to lead him on by pretending I was interested in him in the way he seemed interested in me. “Well,” I said, “I actually want to start heading back—you know, it’s—ah—getting kind of late...” I trailed off, uncomfortably.

“Are you sure?” asked the boy. “We can go back soon afterward.”

“I'm sure,” I said, trying to make my voice gentle-but-firm.

Stefan's face was confused and lonely, and in some ways, I knew exactly how he felt. I was beginning to understand Mom’s pre-trip warning to be careful of loneliness. Back last winter, I had laughed: “Don’t worry, Mom—I’m not going to have sex with someone just 'cause I’m homesick!”

Looking at Stefan tonight, I grasped a little more of what she meant about the potential to feel desperate for intimacy.

≈

On June 8, we met an older couple named Lili and Jack. It turned out that they were from New Jersey and they frequented the same bike shop I did. Soon we were chatting like old friends, and the next day we rode together, our conversation punctuated by the bumps in the poorly-maintained road. It was so fun to ride with people! Man, I kept thinking, I’m not going to want to be alone again after this! I knew that in Colorado, Jeff and Wyeth were going off the route to visit some relatives, and then I’d be on my own. Ugh. I shivered a little, and tried not to think ahead. Anyway, Wyeth's sister and dad would be flying into Wichita next week and the five of us would ride together until Pueblo. There was still lots of fun to look forward to.

"It's so nice and flat here after the Ozarks," Lili said, as we rode along later that afternoon.

I agreed. "Jeff and Wyeth nicknamed Missouri 'The State of Misery', did they tell you?"

“The day we rode to Chanute, Jack and I made up a song about that,” said Lili. She sang it as we bumped along:

I love Kansas in the springtime (ragweed blooming),

I love Kansas in the summer (thunder booming),

I love Kansas! Why, oh why do I love Kansas?

Because it’s near—ly—FLAT!

During the course of the afternoon we'd ridden thirty miles without stopping once. I didn't notice, because Lili and I were talking the whole time—a 59-year-old and a 17-year-old, learning about each other’s worlds while pedaling through the fog and endless cornfields of the Kansas prairie.

But then Jeff rode up next to me. He'd noticed. “I’ve never ridden this long without a break," he said quietly. "And right about now, my butt could use one!”

“We could pull over,” I said. “I’m sure Lili and Jack wouldn’t mind.”

“The thing is–“ he looked over at the older couple riding behind us “–I’m not stopping unless they do. I mean, Jack’s turning sixty next month and he’s riding the pants off me! My butt is sore right now. Don’t they ever get tired?”

I couldn’t help laughing: although we rode ten more miles before reaching Newton, Jeff didn't say anything about taking a break. We sang, we talked, we neatly avoided the potholes, and we rolled up to the Wheatland city park before dinnertime.

Every half-hour that evening, Jeff dramatically clutched his butt in mock agony over his “saddle sores.”

Eighteen – Another Woman on Wheels

On June 11, Jeff and Wyeth rode to Wichita to meet Wyeth’s dad and sister. We planned to meet the following weekend in Hutchinson, because I'd made arrangements to stay with a homeschooling host family. The day they went to Wichita, I decided to have an educational afternoon at the Mennonite Museum in North Newton.

While I was examining some old carriage wheels, a man came over and asked, “Are you riding the TransAm Trail? I saw a bike outside, and noticed your bike shorts…"

Dale Ediger, a tallish thinnish man with brown hair, told me that he and his girlfriend, Alice Rose, were also riding cross-country. "She'll be so happy to see you," he said. "She's been wondering about you since Virginia. Hey Alice! C'mon over—this is Sarabeth!"

Alice came running over immediately. "My goodness, I am so glad to see you!" she said. "And I’m so glad that you’re doing okay and everything!" She gave me a quick hug. "Ever since I read your logbook entry about obnoxious men, I’ve been worrying about you—your parents must be going crazy!” Here, Alice paused for breath. She was tall, motherly, with short reddish hair. “Did you meet the ACA guys?”

“Yup,” I said, “we camped with them the other night.”

“They sure were eager to meet you,” Alice said, her eyes twinkling. “Especially that younger one from Germany. They’ve been a few days behind you for a while now, and in every logbook they’ve written such funny things. So anyway! How long are you in Newton, and where are you going next, and where's Nate?”

I told her I wasn't riding with Nate anymore, and explained how Jeff and Wyeth were in Wichita, and that I'd be riding to Lyons tomorrow. Dale and Alice were planning to stay in the neighboring town of Sterling the next night, and we decided to meet at the corner of Main Street and Tenth Avenue in the morning, to ride together.

≈

"To tell you the truth," Alice said, as we emerged from town the next morning on the endless road, "I didn't have fun for the first month of our trip." They had a lot of rain, she said, and harassment from men had been a problem. One day a group of guys yelled at Dale, something to the effect of, “Why aren't you riding your woman instead of your bike?!”

"After that, I wanted to turn around," said Alice. "It'd been raining non-stop, and those guys were just the last straw. But it wasn't only the harassment—it's the insecurity, too. Growing up, my mom always told me how clumsy and uncoordinated I was, and how girls weren't good at things like carpentry or sports… But the thing is, I thought I was over that!" Alice was almost embarrassed. "I thought I was a woman of the nineties, and all that crap. But I'm not—I didn't learn nearly as much as Dale when we took our bike mechanics classes. Sometimes I was so sure that I'd mess up that I wouldn't do anything at all. I think that’s partly why the first month of this trip was so awful—I was expecting not to be able to do it."

“Yeah," I said. "I know what you mean—it’s funny, 'cause even though my parents encourage me and my sister to do everything we want, I still feel insecure sometimes. When I was apprenticing in the bike shop before I left, I was self-conscious every time I messed up anything. And the guys who worked there would act like, 'She'll probably mess up and she probably won't understand but I'll try to show her anyway.' Except I think some of Mike's obnoxiousness was 'cause he had a crush on me, which made him feel weird since I was younger. They weren’t used to treating a sixteen-year-old like an adult."

"I hate it when guys are condescending like that," said Alice. "That's just like what I grew up with."

Even though it was early, the heat was bearing down and making the road look steamy. We both drank some water. "You know what's good about this trip, though?" asked Alice. "I have learned a lot—way more than in any class. About my body, and how to make it work, and stuff like that. I even packed a hub with grease by myself."

"Traveling makes you learn things…”

We rolled along, the open landscape barely changing except for an occasional grain elevator on the horizon or a house with a few trees by the side of the road. Around the twenty-mile mark, we saw a dot in the distance that turned out to be a lone cyclist towing a trailer behind his bike.

When he reached us, the tanned, muscular man introduced himself as Jeff.

“I’m ridin' from Seattle to Bar Harbor,” he told us, “raisin' money for the MS Society. I was just diagnosed with MS, and I wanna do this before it's too late…" His wife was going to come with him, he told us, but she had to work—and he decided to go now, in case next summer was too late. “But she’ll meet me in Bar Harbor, an' we're havin' a family reunion. I’m gonna ride in an' be a celebrity.” He chuckled.

Next moment, there was an ominous ping! from Jeff's rear wheel.

“Damn,” he said, “that’s the third one! That wheel’s been poppin' spokes for a week. Damn, damn, damn!” He unhooked his trailer and began hunting through the duffel bag. “I don’t even know how to thread ‘em myself. The last times this other cyclist guy did it for me." Eventually he located the spokes, and removed his rear wheel for repairs. We stood watching, unsure how to help.

“You know,” Alice finally spoke up timidly, “I don’t think you need to replace the spoke if you’re only going a few miles—and there's a bike shop in Newton. I heard about this thing where you true the wheel around the missing spoke. Someone in our mechanics class talked about it.”

“Really?” asked Jeff, looking up from his bike. "An' you don't need to replace spokes? That sounds dandy. How does it work?”

Alice leaned over the bike and examined the wheel. “I think you tighten the spokes on either side of the gap.”

"Okay—I'll try it." Jeff found his spoke wrench, and set to work. "It can't be worse than replacing the spoke." He kept turning and turning the wrench, and I could tell Alice was nervous.

I was watching the minimal improvement to Jeff's wheel when I suddenly remembered. “I think you need to adjust two spokes on either side of the gap, not one.”

“Hey, that’s right!” said Alice. “That’s what that guy said. So it balances the tension…”

“Okay. But I never can remember which way to turn the stupid wrench,” said Jeff, fumbling with his bicycle wheel.

This time I spoke up with confidence. "Righty tighty, lefty loosy." As I spoke, I heard echoes of Mike's voice from the Highland Park Cyclery.

Within five minutes, Jeff was off in search of Newton and the bike store. "Thanks!" he yelled over his shoulder. "That sure beat replacin' the spokes."

When I looked over at her, Alice had a look of quiet satisfaction of her face.

At Plum Street, Alice and Dale and I said goodbye. "You're welcome to visit us in Portland after your ride," said Alice.

"Have a good trip!" said Dale.

"Goodbye! It was great to meet you," I said. And then Alice and Dale were two disappearing dots in my rear-view mirror.

Nineteen – For All The People Who Said They Couldn't

“I wish,” said Wyeth, “that I had a nickel for every time someone said, ‘I wish I could do something like your trip.’ I’d be rich by the time we get to Oregon!”

Wyeth was right. Almost every day, people at gas stations, grocery stores, restaurants or parks would look at our bikes and say, I Wish I Could Do That—and then they'd tell us why they couldn't, wouldn't, and/or shouldn't.

Some of those people seemed sad: "I wish I could do something like that!" they'd say. Then they'd gaze absentmindedly into the distance for a while. "You know, I had this dream once…" they'd continue, as if they hadn't thought about that dream for a long time. They'd say how, when they were young, they'd wanted to travel in Italy, or hike the Appalachian Trail, or paddle a canoe across Lake Superior. "…But I couldn't do that now," the person would always end with finality. "It's too late." Case closed. No amount of arguing could convince them otherwise, we realized, and after a while we stopped trying very hard.

Other people we met seemed barely able to conceal their resentment: "I wish I could do something like that!" they'd say, staring at us sternly. You're just selfish, irresponsible kids, they appeared to be thinking. Don't you know that the Real World isn't all fun and games? I've got dreams too, but I've got a Good Job and a family, and I'm putting off my dreams till Later. That's the way you're supposed to do things!

Maybe that resentment was what caused strangers gave us the finger or honk violently when they passed us. Maybe it was too hard for them to see other people doing what they wanted with their lives.

≈

On March 17, the week before I left on my trip, my grandfather called me up. He informed me, in his rasping Emphysema voice, that he didn't want me to go. “…Sara, you haven’t thought about what you are going to do. There are crazies out there, and you’re too young to know what you need to take care of yourself. You can’t go.” There was a static pause.

“But Grandpa,” I said after a minute, “I am going. I have thought about the dangers, I realize that they exist, and I have to go anyway. I’m sorry that you feel that I shouldn’t go—but, well, I’m leaving a week from today.”

“And that’s why I’m calling…” He trailed off for a minute, gasping for breath on the other end of the phone line. “What about college? There are all sorts of things you need to do. You can’t go on this trip. As the patriarch of this family, I forbid you to go. If you leave, you will be disobeying me…” His weak voice turned into a cough and made the whole thing almost humorous. I had a mental image of my practically bed-ridden grandfather suddenly leaping up, and, after ten years of never leaving his home, coming from Long Island to NJ to physically prevent me from leaving.

There wasn’t much I could say after that. “Well, I—uh—I am going,” I said softly, repeating myself for lack of better words. “I’m sorry you're so upset about it. But I want to take this trip more than anything, and—well—I have to leave…”

My grandfather wheezed heavily into the phone as we talked, trying to get enough air for his dying lungs; I felt like crying as I listened to him puffing on his oxygen machine.

But besides feeling pity, I was angry. My grandfather was scared for me, I knew. But what angered me was his unspoken philosophy of, "I suffered, so you should suffer." It wasn't like my grandparents turned out happy or healthy, so why did they want me to live my life with the same goals they had? Why did they want me to go to college when I didn't want to and wasn't ready? Why did my goals lack validity when they weren't academic ones? I was annoyed that my grandparents—and other concerned friends and family—wouldn't recognize the importance of my goals or achievements unless they were learned and developed in school.

So many people, I thought, put off their dreams because people like Grandpa tell them to. I'm not going to put mine off.

≈

Some people I met while riding hadn't lost sight of their goals: "I've always wanted to do something like that!" they'd say. "How'd you get time off from work, anyway? How'd you train for it? Where do you sleep at night?" They'd pepper us with questions, and later they'd walk away smiling. "I'm gonna do something like that!" they'd say. Those were the folks who seemed least likely to forget about their own dreams, whatever they happened to be. They understood how important it was not to put things off too long.

In Virginia, a bike mechanic neighbor of my host family had offered to check over my trusty steed. As Michael tightened various nuts and bolts, we talked about bicycling and he told me about the best route to take over the next few mountains. As he wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, he said that he’d always wanted to take a trip like mine.

“Good luck on your journey,” he said, handing my bike back. Then he looked at me and added wistfully, “Lots of people wish they could do something like this, you know. You’re riding for all of us.”

Twenty – The Prairie

The Williamson family lived on a straight sandy road lined with dozens of mulberry trees. The first day I was there, the boys took me to the best trees and we climbed ladders, ate berries, and stained our mouths and fingers bright red. The bees followed us all the way back.

Elaine and Mike Williamson told me to make myself comfortable in their house, and after the trip I would remember their family as a true home on the road. Everybody sang Cat Stevens around the piano, and there were familiarly lively conversations at the dinner table. The ages of the kids were about the same as in my family, too: Betony was fourteen, Willow was eleven, and Pippin and JJ were eight—they were only missing a four-year-old. Katie, who was my age, was in Toronto studying at the National Ballet School of Canada.

“Do you want to go for a drive?” Willow asked on the second day of my visit. Willow's eyes sparkled like my sister's did. "Dad takes us for fun drives!"

“Okay,” I said. “Where?”

“Oh, near here,” Betony said. “Dad knows lots about plants, and we go look around…”

Mike was a small, wiry man with a passion for things that grow in the Midwest. “When most people visit, they think the landscape here is boring,” Mike said as we got into the car. “But it’s not! So much grows here—grasses and flowers and plants—and they’re all beautiful, just different from the ones you have in New England or California. I want you to see the beauty in our land.”

For the next two hours, the six of us roamed the roads of the Sandhills, hopping in and out of the old van every few hundred yards. And the "boring" state of Kansas, along with the “monotonous” green and yellow of its prairies, came alive for me under the enthusiastic tutelage of Mike Williamson.

I discovered a whole new ecosystem, one that can survive the heat, wind and other dramatic fluctuations in the prairie weather, and that actually needs those conditions to thrive. Mike and the kids showed me countless different grasses, one plant that oozed orange-ish juice when broken and another that was touch-sensitive and whose leaves folded up when I brushed my fingers against them.

Mike’s respect for Nature was evident in his voice, especially when we passed an odd-looking truck that was spraying something on the side of the road. I wondered what it was.

“That,” said Mike, “is a government-subsidized Thing that goes around and sprays hemp plants. It grows wild here, you know—people call it ditchweed. The thing is,” he continued, his voice trembling slightly, “mostly those drivers are lazy. They usually spray the whole roadside, not just in spots—which is bad enough—like they’re supposed to do.

"There’s so little left of the original Sandhills—so little left that’s actually true prairie and not mutilated by bad farming and erosion! And those trucks are ruining what’s left, killing off everything that lives along the roads, which makes the soil blow away 'cause there's nothing to hold it down… Do you know that the few feet of ditch on either side of these roads is just about the last remaining virgin prairie left? Most everything else has been plowed or paved over…”

We drove a little further, and then Mike stopped the car and turned off the engine.

“Listen” he said, and we all stood perfectly quiet. There was nothing to be heard except the vague sound of the wind blowing the grasses. Then I noticed something else. CLUNK. CLUNK. CLUNK.

“What's that?”

“The oil wells,” said Mike. “They’re another thing that's endangering the prairie. Those rigs–” he pointed into the field, where I now saw the grasshopper-like oil rig bobbing eerily up and down “–run night and day, night and day until the oil runs dry. Then—" he pointed again across the road to a rusty, unmoving hunk of metal “—they leave 'em. It costs less to build a new one than it does to reuse the old one, so they leave it to rot. They don't understand the prairie. They don't care about it after they've gotten all the money out of it they can."

Mike’s voice was trembling now. After we climbed back into the car, everyone was silent for a while.

The sun was sinking low on the horizon when we finally headed toward home, and as we drove slowly along, two deer leaped powerfully across the road. “Isn’t that just magic!” exclaimed Mike. “Isn’t that just magic!” The deer were magic. It was magic that in the last two hours, I'd learned to see plants in the fields that yesterday I thought were just grass and brush.

Twenty One – Some New Riding Partners, Including A Cat

Wyeth's dad Bill was, as Jeff put it, "the most unworried adult I've ever met." He was 65, he liked to claim as few responsibilities as possible, and his main interest was sailing his boat. He often pedaled in white shorts and tee shirt, and wore a visor under his helmet.

When I met Abbey Friday, I thought she was soft-spoken and shy. But though her voice and body were diminutive, her determination wasn’t. She'd operated a backhoe while working on a farm the previous summer, and she danced and taught aerobics—which was a lot more physical activity than I'd engaged in before beginning this trip.

She smiled like Wyeth; her blond hair was cropped to just below her chin, and she was pretty even in her helmet. I couldn't imagine Abbey being unkind to anyone. And I was impressed that she and Bill had ridden fifty miles on their first day of riding.

Wichita was a lot of fun, they all reported. Wyeth got a new rear wheel, they went to the Sedgewick County Zoo, and Jeff got a haircut.

“…The mall could've been any mall in America," Jeff said. "And there I was, sitting in the chair, getting a totally normal haircut. But then I remembered that I was in Wichita, Kansas, and that I rode my bike here! I kept saying that the whole time we were there: ‘I rode my bike here.’ It’s pretty amazing."

≈

On our first day riding, we pedaled through Hutchinson and past Nickerson for lunch. We were twenty miles outside Nickerson on a desolate stretch of road when Abbey found the kitten. It was scraggly and gray and white, was missing its two front teeth, and was mewing pitifully from the ditch. There was no sign of a mother anywhere near, and it was not a happy cat.

"Someone probably abandoned it here," said Jeff.

"That's horrible!" I said.

"Yeah, but there's no houses around, and there's no other way it coulda gotten here." We gazed around at the endless flat fields, no houses in sight.

“What should we do with it?” I asked. The small-but-strong animal was clawing at Abbey's hand.

“Let's mix up some powdered milk,” she said. "Ow! Stop it!" She extricated her hand from the kitten's needle-sharp claws.

“Yeah, and we could give it some cheese,” I suggested.

We tried unsuccessfully to feed anything solid to the kitten—maybe its broken tooth made it too difficult to chew. It liked the milk, though, and it managed to lap some from a bottle cap that Abbey held in her hand. Meanwhile, Bill looked on with an air of amusement.

“So—ah—you’re obviously planning to keep that cat, aren't you?” he asked.

"Of course!" we responded heatedly. "We're not going to leave it here!"

“All right, all right: I have no problem adding the cat to our caravan here,” he said, laughing. “But you girls are going to be in charge of it—right?”

Since my handlebar bag was the only one big enough, we put the kitten inside on a bed of bandannas. Until we found a new home for it, we thought it would be a nice, comfy way for the kitten to travel.

The kitten thought otherwise. For the next 30 miles, it mewed almost continuously, until I wondered how it could possibly have any voice left. During the ride, I made sure the kitten had air, I talked to the kitten, I pushed the kitten back inside numerous times, and I tried to steer my bicycle and stay hydrated at the same time.

But that cat was so cute that it was worth the trouble. It was gray and white and fuzzy, tiny enough to balance in one hand, and Abbey and I cooed over it like adoring parents. We kept feeding it milk, and applauded when it finally ate a piece of cheese.

Despite our excitement over the kitten, there was no way to avoid noticing the hot, still air. Sweat evaporated on our skin leaving tiny salt crystals, and we nearly ran out of water. By the time we reached the deserted town of Hudson, we were ready to stop riding. We set up camp near a line of trees on the edge of a wheat field, next to the bleachers. The cat (we couldn't figure out if it was a boy or a girl) fell asleep, contentedly purring on my rear rack.

It was about an hour before dusk when we began to take notice of the brooding sky. The puffy cloud formations were slowly melding into one big, dense mass on the western horizon. The sunset flamed red and orange through gaps in the clouds. We tied down our possessions, and while Bill and Wyeth smoked their pipes, we sat on a picnic table and waited for the storm. The kitten played at our feet, and then finally fell asleep on someone’s lap. The evening was eerily silent.

"Hey—um—so, what do you know about tornadoes?" Jeff asked Bill.

“Well, I hear that they arrive with a noise like a steam locomotive,” said Bill cheerfully, eyes twinkling. “Actually, I don’t know very much. And if one comes tonight, I don’t see what we could do, anyway.” We decided we could take shelter on the opposite side of the bleachers if the winds got too rough. If a tornado came through, though, nothing much would help.

We fell silent again, and watched the sky. The air was stifling hot and still, like a wet warm towel was pressing in all around. At the first few drops of rain, the kitten and I retreated to my tent. It was even hotter in there.

Then, without much warning, the temperature dropped at least ten degrees. And with a whoosh of wind and a crack of thunder, the storm struck. The wind lifted the bottom of my tent, and I braced it with my body. I lay against the right side, and put my left foot on the roof.

SMACK! The wind plastered the fly against the tent and the rain began to pound.

FLASH! The lightning lit up everything with its powerful light.

CRASH! RUMBLE! BANG!!!

“Mew! Mew! Meow!” The thunder woke up the cat, who burrowed its head into my chest.

And there we were, the cat and I, in my tiny tent in an incredible storm. The temperature dropped another ten degrees, and for a while I was on sensory overload. The thunder and lightning didn’t pause for a second, and my body was rigid as I tried to keep my tent from being blown away. Once, I dimly heard the others shouting to each other, but I couldn’t hear well. And so Cat and I tried to reassure each other that there was nothing to worry about.

I didn't fall asleep for a long time. The storm abated and started again, and from inside, it seemed like the sky was exploding. I tried not to think about tornadoes, and the little bundle of fur at my head kept me comforted.

≈

The kitten rode with us for three days, and continued to be perfectly annoying while traveling via handlebar bag, and perfectly adorable when it curled up in someone's lap at camp. Abbey liked the name "Cycle Vera." Jeff liked "Turtle." But since we couldn't figure out the cat's gender, it remained The Kitten until we arrived in Rush Center, Kansas.

I'd written to the Peach Family back last winter, and they'd offered to host me and "any companions" on my way across Kansas. And after a hot, dusty day of bumpy roads, five cyclists and a kitten pulled into the Peaches' driveway outside Rush Center and saw paradise in the form of a wading pool on the green lawn under real, live, maple trees.

Don and Susan Peach treated us more like visiting friends than the hot, smelly strangers that we were. Elliot and Clark, 8-year-old twins, and Nolan, 1 1/2, wanted to know all about our bikes. "Feel free to use the shower or go in the wading pool," Susan told us. "And we've got plenty of ice water."

Besides giving us the use of their showers and pool, the Peaches set up beds in their family room for us and gave us Real Pillows. And they made enough dinner for everybody, including the cat.

Back in Missouri, when Jeff and Wyeth and I had stayed with the Wallen family, they had cooked for us too. "I wish I could make your family a meal," I'd said to Linda Wallen, "but all I have is some pasta and peanut butter!"

"Don't worry," Linda had answered. "I cook for you, then you'll cook for someone else, and some day people will cook for me. It all goes around, you know."

I've got a lot of cooking to do, I'd thought then. After the Peaches' kindness, I figured my debt was growing.

Twenty Two – Letters

Sarabeth

June 1999

Dear Dad,

This past Monday, I passed the 2,000-mile mark on my odometer. I still have over 2,000 to go, but as I pedal closer to the Oregon Coast, I know I can do it. My gray bike that we built together carries me over pavement and gravel and potholes, through wind and sun and rain, and is my one constant in this summer of variables.

…So even though I won't be there on Sunday to give you a hug in person, I'll be thinking about you and how we used to ride together when I was little. And since it's supposed to rain tomorrow, I guess I'll be singing our old Mud song!

Happy Father's Day to the best father in the world.

Love from Kansas, Sarabeth

April

May 5, 1997

Dear Sara,

I got one of those heads that sprout grass for hair. So, how do you water a grassman? Whenever I try, the water slides down. So far, it hasn’t grown any hair.

What’s with you and that boy you’re riding with?! Is he your boyfriend??

The woman I baby-sit for, Hanina, is having concussions, so she will have the baby very soon.

By the way, next time you call on the phone, could you please ask to talk to me? I never get a chance.

What did the Obnoxious Kentucky Men say to you?

Can you save my letters, or do you throw them out?

Yesterday I had a baseball game. I got my first hit, first run, and fourth walk! I was really happy! But mom was talking to you on the phone when I had to leave, and so it's your fault that she couldn't drive me and I had to ride my bike. What was the matter? I picked up the phone, and you sounded real upset. Are you okay? I'm dying to find out what happened.

Dad is now the proud owner of a motorcycle. Aren't you happy?

I miss you. So does everyone.

Good luck,

Love, April

P.S. Mom told my soccer coach about your trip, and he didn’t believe her.

P.P.S. In gymnastics I got to tell all about you and your trip. One girl says there's a road that goes from one end of the country to the other. Do you know if that's true? If it is, why didn't you ride on that one?

Lili and Jack

[Addressed to Ruth and Terry Matilsky]

Dear parents of Sarabeth,

Since May 18, we knew from a biker’s log in Elk Garden, Virginia that a Matilsky from Highland Park, NJ was somewhere ahead of us. But it was only last Sunday that we finally joined up with her for 36 hours, exchanged life histories, became friends, parted regretfully, and planned to meet later this year in NJ if not again along the route west.

We left her in good hands (her own) and cycling with two fine young men who will be meeting a father and sister for their ride to Pueblo.

We feel like we got to know you too!

Fondly, Lili and Jack

P.S. Please say hi to Sarabeth when she calls, and tell her we’ve been cycling two days with her friend Roel of Amsterdam.

Twenty Three – Straight, Straight Roads

Over breakfast on the day we left, Don asked, "How would you feel about parting with your kitten?" Susan and Don had made us another huge meal, pancakes and fruit salad and eggs and veggie bacon and cereal.

We looked sadly at each other over the table. Of course we couldn't drag the kitten across the country in my handlebar bag, but it was still sad to leave it behind. "Thanks!" said Wyeth finally. "We know it'll have a good home here." The kitten itself had no qualms—within the first hour of our visit, the tiny fuzzball of a cat had staked out its territory in the backyard and made friends with Shelby, the Peaches' black lab.

After breakfast, we rode away from the Peaches' oasis in the prairie.

"Goodbye!" I said. "And thanks!" The Kitten obliviously chased its tail around the backyard, and the family stood in the driveway, waving until we were out of sight.

≈

Now we were in western Kansas, and we were climbing steadily—on June 20, we were higher above sea level than we had ever been on the tallest mountain in the Appalachians. The state of Kansas was one big mountain, scraping upwards towards Colorado, but with wheat and heat and grassland as far as the eye could see, it didn't feel like we were that high. The grain elevators seemed like the tallest things around, and like skyscrapers of the prairies, they loomed out of the fields like white ghosts.

In the next few days, we passed several feedlots, stinking unimaginably as feces and flesh rotted in the sun. The cattle were crowded into pens that had no grass and no shade, to be fattened in preparation for their doom. I wondered how the people who worked there could stand it.

The towns we'd been passing through were getting smaller and smaller, and now they usually consisted of a store, a couple houses, and a grain elevator. The road passed through the towns and faded back into miles and miles of waving wheat. Riding along, I felt like the smallest person in an incredibly large world.

“It’s so hot and barren,” I said at one point, "and it's so huge!" We could see oncoming cars miles before they approached down the open road, and so we rode safely in a clump, talking.

“I tell you what!” Wyeth agreed. He and Jeff laughed.

Jeff explained the joke. “These two brothers, RC and Ray, camped next to us in Berea, Kentucky. And RC started every other sentence with, ‘Ah tell you what.’ He swore a lot, too, and spat chewing tobacco whenever he paused for breath."

"And remember how Ray sort of stood there really quiet?" Wyeth said, laughing some more. "And how he drank an incredible number of beers?"

The five of us rolled under the shadow of a grain elevator, and we had passed through another town.

"Yeah! And they’d go over to the trunk of their car and keep pulling out six-packs and drinking ‘em. But they told us, ‘it’s okay, ‘cause we stay away from the hard stuff!' ”

≈

Don Peach had warned us about the thorns. We'd gotten a tour of his garden and orchard the other night, and when we walked past the compost heap, he'd picked up a clump of decaying weeds. “Have you heard about these yet?”

We stared at the brown, wilted vines and said No, we hadn’t.

“Well, they’re the scourge of bicyclists around here,” Don said, “so take a closer look and be forewarned.”

As we examined the plants, Wyeth said, "Oh yeah—they're Goathead Thorns, aren't they?”

“Yup. They’re parasitic thorns, also called ‘Texas Tacks’ and several other non-complimentary names. And no matter what you do to them, they come back again and again—I weeded a whole bunch of them out of the garden the other day.”

We gazed doubtfully at the tiny, multi-pointed thorns in Don’s hand. Could they really go through the tough rubber of a bicycle tire? We kept our doubts to ourselves, but privately we wondered if Don wasn’t just trying to scare us a little.

Several mornings after leaving the Peaches, Abbey discovered a huge thorn in her already-flat tire—and our doubts about the thorns’ efficacy in puncturing tough rubber were erased. It wouldn't be till Colorado, though, that we would realize how well-designed the thorns were for causing misery to cyclists.

≈

Our last day in Kansas was hot. 103 hot. The road was hot, my water was hot, my body was hot, the fields were hot, and in fact, it seemed that the entire world was very hot. I wondered if there really was a place on earth where there was snow. Whenever I tried to picture it, the snow melted in my imagination.

Hot water didn't quench thirst very well, and it tasted awful, but I drank it anyway. I drank and drank, looking out over the flatness of the landscape that was broken only by the grain elevators and the trains that came by, whistles shrill in the still air. There was no shade anywhere. If I hadn’t been riding with friends, the day would have probably been entirely disagreeable. I tried not to think about what it was going to be like when I left Wyeth and Jeff and Abbey and Bill in Pueblo.

By one o’clock, we were all sweating and hot and exhausted—but Abbey looked the worst. Her face got paler and paler and finally she stopped her bike and leaned over her handlebars. She began to cry, short sobs, and the heat baked us all as we stood next to shimmering wheat fields.

“…I’ve got my period,” she said, through her tears, “and my cramps are really horrible. I’m sorry if I’m slowing you down, but I just can’t go any faster. You can’t even know how horrible it is to be sitting on this seat and be pedaling right now...”

She sobbed for another minute, as we all stood uncomfortably in the hundred-degree afternoon.

“Well,” said Bill gently, “we’re not going to get any closer to shade unless we ride. It’s about fourteen miles to the next town—do you think you can make it?”

“Well, do I have a choice?” Abbey almost laughed through her tears. “I guess I have to.”

I was the only one who knew from experience how terrible the pain could be, and I knew the next fourteen miles wouldn’t be easy for Abbey.

That afternoon we met Mike and Marie, a young couple riding from Fort Collins, Colorado to Yorktown. Mike was riding a couple miles ahead of Marie, and when she caught up to where we stood talking with her husband, she looked tired, sunburned, and generally as miserable as Abbey had a few hours ago.

Later, I thought about how it always seemed harder for women than men. I hadn't met any women who rode faster than their male companions. And I hadn't met any women riding alone. It's not fair! I thought. It's not like Marie was in terrible shape, especially compared to some of the pot-bellied male cyclists we've met. And those guys were cranking out the miles even though they were much heavier than Marie was.

It seemed like men got stronger more quickly than women did. Alice and Dale had been in fairly equal physical condition when they'd begun their trip, and he had started riding, gotten a little sore the first few days, and continued to ride—while Alice was still feeling run-down a month later.

I was beginning to understand why I was meeting fewer female cyclists than male.

≈

An east wind pounded our tents all night; it continued in the morning, and on the first day of summer that wind pushed us down the highway at nearly twice our normal speed. The wheat fields flew by, and in sixteen short miles we arrived at the Colorado state line as the landscape began to change to sagebrush. With the lovely, cool weather and tailwind, Kansas said goodbye with aplomb.

Colorado said hello with the first flat tire of my trip. I discovered it outside Sheridan, where we stopped for lunch. But it was a slow leak—I figured it would probably hold up until Eads, our evening destination.

And I was soon distracted by something else, when I discovered that I’d finally gotten my period for the first time since Virginia. I quickly ran to my bike to get my tampons, and giggled to Abbey, “I’ve caught it from you!”

We started giggling uncontrollably then, while Jeff buried himself deep in his book and muttered, “Oh Christ!” That only set us off again, and as the wind blew the grasses westward, Abbey and I couldn't stop laughing.

The tailwind helped us pedal the sixty miles to Eads in less than 4 1/2 hours of "seat time."

We were right outside town when the flats started. First, Abbey got a huge thorn in her front tire. We could hear the air hissing out when Wyeth pumped it up, so we pedaled madly into town before it went flat again.

By the time we'd arrived at the fairgrounds, our home for the night, my tire was flat again and so was Abbey's. We leaned our bikes next to the pavilion, and then I saw Bill holding up something small that he'd pulled from his tire.

"It's already flat," Bill said, as his front tire gently hissed out the last of its air.

“They’re everywhere! Look at all of 'em on the bottom of my shoe…" Jeff said. And look!" He pulled several thorns out of his own tire. “One....two…three…” HISSSSSSS went Jeff’s tire—thorn #3 had made it through to the tube. "Oh shit!" said Jeff.

"Okay, now it's your turn!" I said to Wyeth. We stood next to the bathrooms and saw that goathead thorns covered the ground, everywhere. Suddenly the fairgrounds seemed like a very hostile place.

From now on, we vowed to carry our bicycles over anything that wasn't paved, since goatheads seemed capable of growing on any surface besides asphalt and concrete—although they sometimes made their way onto pavement, too. In the evening, the pavilion turned into a mini bike shop as we all wrestled with our tires and wheels and replaced the punctured tubes.

That night I wrote in my journal:

I've ridden through nearly all of the spring, and today is the longest day of the year. And as of right now, the tally stands at five states down, five big ones to go—and only two months till The Coast.

≈

The next day we got up early, determined to beat the heat as much as possible. But Jeff awoke to discover that his tire had deflated silently during the night. I had never seen Jeff so annoyed as he was when he discovered that flat.

Jeff was really not a morning person. He looked like he was sleep-pedaling when we left the fairgrounds at seven-thirty, and once when I rode up next to him and said something, he didn’t even hear. Not only that, he didn’t crack a single joke till around noon—a truly worrisome sign. Maybe because of Jeff's rare bad mood, our whole group was more serious than usual as we pedaled onto Highway 96.

The day’s ride was going to be 62 miles to Ordway, with only three tiny towns along the way. And all the strength that we'd had in our tailwind yesterday reversed directions that morning to give us a vicious headwind for the entire ride.

At mile 22 we stopped in the deserted town of Haswell for some water. We found a water spigot in the side of the service station, and we rested in the shade of the gas pumps. When we rode out of the shadow of Haswell’s ubiquitous grain elevator, the wind became unbelievably strong. And on top of it all was the heat—melting, draining, searing, extremely uncomfortable and mind-blurring heat.

My head began to ache as we pedaled, and my impatience with the wind began to mount. It was the most frustrating thing to be pedaling, in nearly my lowest gear, on a road that appeared flat. The wind wasn't like a mountain. At least a mountain's a physical obstacle! I thought while I pedaled furiously. Everyone has to climb it if they go the same way.

But wind was fickle, and a west-bound cyclist passing this way tomorrow might get a tailwind. For all of its power, I couldn't even see it. It seemed to be laughing at me, daring me to get angry as dust whipped my face. I struggled in silence, willing myself not to rage uselessly.

I felt like giving up several times, and almost pulled off the road and cried at the horrible wind. If I were alone, I might have done it. But just when I would think, I can’t take it anymore! I would make myself look at the others' faces. I wasn’t having a worse time than Abbey, who hunched over her handlebars, determinedly spinning her pedals. I wasn’t feeling a stronger headwind than Wyeth, who led our pace line for more time than was his share, trying to make it easier for the rest of us who followed closely behind. Bill certainly wasn’t taking it easy on his bicycle; one glance at his set face showed me that. And Jeff still wasn’t saying anything funny. I looked at all of them, and I lost my self-pity for a while.

It was only the five of us, five tiny dots in the vastness of sage-brush and sky. Thousands of crickets hopped onto the pavement, and the air sizzled with their incessant chirping. The drone made my head ache more, and I gulped the hot water that brought no relief from thirst. We didn’t talk much, just rode on and on through the never-changing landscape. If I hadn’t had an odometer, I would never have guessed that we’d left Eads at all. The heat was overpowering, and yet the air was so dry that our sweat evaporated instantly, leaving white smears of salt on our skin.

We stopped in Arlington and asked a woman if we could get some water. She reluctantly handed us her hose. And although the water tasted awful with lime, we had no choice but to take it. By the end of the ride, I was drinking a fourteen-ounce bottle of water per mile.

Although it seemed impossible that the wind could get any stronger, it seemed like it did when we left Arlington. Jeff muttered, “Five miles an hour—I can’t believe this.” None of the rest of us could, either. We were pedaling so hard, and we were going five miles an hour. And onward stretched the road, forever and ever in front of us, like there was nothing in the world but miles of sage brush.

A few miles before Sugar City, we saw The Rocky Mountains. They loomed in the distance, over 150 miles away, and the snow-capped peaks were like phantoms. Snow? We couldn’t really believe it. But there they were, ethereal yet solid looking, awaiting our arrival in a few short days.

When we got to Sugar City, we collapsed into an air-conditioned café. We were dazed and exhausted, but our spirits had improved markedly by the time we finished a half-dozen glasses of lemonade and had dragged ourselves back out to the bikes for the last six miles to Ordway.

Three miles later, we saw the storm on the horizon, coming fast. The clouds were big and black and dangerous-looking, but there wasn’t much we could do about them except ride—hard. About two miles away from the city it got quiet. Then the wind switched directions and the storm began pulling us in closer, closer to the fingers of rain but also closer to the Hotel Ordway, our home for the night. For the first time all day, we rolled along at over ten miles an hour, and we arrived under the awning of the Hotel as the storm began pummeling the heat-baked earth with enormous drops of rain. Once again, it felt like we'd reached Paradise.

For the last thirty years Madeline Ferguson has managed the Hotel Ordway, which is also a hostel for cyclists. She gave the five of us directions to the bedrooms: “I’m givin' you three rooms, since I figured the girls can share, the young men can share, and the gentleman can have his own. You can sign our guestbook right here, and there’s a payphone to your left."

"Thanks," we each said, slightly dazed.

"Oh, an' if the rain and wind don’t let up, you can go upstairs and cook on the balcony. My son and his girlfriend live up there, and they’d be happy to let you. And by the way, you passed the halfway mark on yer TransAm Trail six miles before Sugar City.”

≈

In the Hotel Ordway logbook, we saw Roel, Lili and Jack, the ACA group, and some of the east-bounders we’d met. We added our names to the list.

Abbey and I took showers and flopped onto our beds, too overwhelmed by the day to do much besides be amazed that we survived it. But hunger began to gnaw at my stomach, and soon I reluctantly pulled myself out of bed and dragged my aching body up to the balcony. Madeline’s son came out as I was coming up. “Make yourself at home," he told me. "My girlfriend's right inside if you need anythin', and I’ll be back in a bit.”

I thanked him. “But are you sure it’s okay to cook on the wooden balcony?”

“Oh definitely. Lots of bikers do it when they come here.”

They probably don’t have Svea stoves, I thought to myself. Ever since Virginia, my stove had acted strangely. It never lit the same way twice, and at random intervals it would shoot flames several feet into the air. Jeff and Wyeth had nick-named it "The Flame Thrower." But because it had been expensive, I didn't want to replace it, and I'd figured that if I was careful it would be okay. I hoped that it wouldn't try any tricks tonight. As I started cutting up vegetables, a female voice from inside began talking to me.

“Where y’all from?”

“Well, I’m from NJ, three of the others are from Connecticut, and one's from Florida.”

“Hey, I’ve been to NJ,” she said, as I chopped the parsley. “My family went there once, when I was younger. I couldn’t stand the humidity though. That’s why I like it here, ‘cause it’s not. I couldn’t live anywhere else.”

“Well—um—it certainly is dry,” I said. “We had to be careful to drink enough today, because we couldn’t even tell we were sweating. It probably would've felt hotter if it were humid though, wouldn’t it?”

“My God yes! I just can’t stand humidity at all—like I said, I couldn’t never live out east ‘cause of that. Say, do you mind if I ask how old you are?”

“Seventeen.”

“My God, really?? You’re brave—your parents, too. You must have quite the parents. I’d be so scared! I couldn't never do anything like this, and if I had kids I wouldn't let 'em do it neither. I've sometimes thought it might be fun—we see all you cyclists every year. ‘But what if something went wrong?’ I always say. I don’t like taking risks. But say, how come you got so much time off from school?”

“I’m homeschooled,” I began, as I chopped the carrots. “I...”

“Oh, I’ve heard of that. I think my cousins did that when they were little. But don’t you think you’re missin' out?”

“No. Although, on days like today I think, ‘if I were in school I would've been sitting at a desk and it might've been air-conditioned.’ Also, it wouldn’t have been so windy!”

She laughed. “Yeah, that wind must’ve given you a lickin’ today. I said to Mom today, I says, ‘I hope there’s none of them cyclists out in this weather coming west.’ ”

She kept talking as I set up my stove. I pumped it, let out a bit of the fuel to light it, and struck a match. Please light, I implored it. I don’t need any more excitement today.

“...And so for years I worked down south of Sugar City in this bar that used to be there,” the woman was saying. As she spoke, still invisible somewhere inside the apartment, the stove lit. And almost immediately, I jumped back as flames shot up five feet in the air. Please don’t look outside just now, I thought to myself, willing the woman to keep folding laundry or doing whatever she was doing.

“Oh?” I said politely, “What did you do there?” Just disappear, flames, I thought, just go away and I’ll pretend that you’ve never been here.

“I was a bartender. That was a really fun job,” she said, reminiscing. “I enjoyed it. All sorts of people would come, from miles around. But it was just such a long drive to get there from here.” The flames weren’t dying down. Oh God, this just isn’t the time for this! “...In the winter, sometimes the storms are just so bad...”

Finally the flames died down, and again I tried to light the recalcitrant stove. Again, though not as high, the flames spurted into the air and then went out. “...So I quit working there. I think we might move soon anyway,” the woman continued, still not even once looking out the door, “and I think that’ll be good. It’s so isolated here…” Finally. The stove lit, and although it sputtered and used up all the fuel before I’d finished cooking, I managed to make an edible supper.

When I’d finished, I packed my bags and said to the woman, “Well, it was nice talking with you. Thanks so much for letting me use your deck.”

“Hey, no problem,” said the still-invisible woman, “all of you cyclists are such nice people. Have a safe trip!” Still weak-kneed, I carried everything down the stairs in two trips. The woman’s high estimation of cyclists would have gone down a few notches if she’d looked out the door that evening.

“Hello?” said my mother, her voice sounding so normal when I called later that night. I expected her to sound different, to somehow know about my day before I told her and be suitably impressed by the fact that we’d ridden a zillion miles in 300-degree heat with a headwind.

“Hi Mom,” I said. “I’m in Colorado now, and we just had the most incredible day...”

Twenty Four – The Turtle Squad Scatters

When I woke up on June 24, my head was a whirlwind. Last day last day last day. Tonight I would stay with a homeschooling host family, and tomorrow Jeff and Wyeth and Abbey and Bill would head to Denver.

Terri Blessman had contacted me in January. "We drive to Pueblo all the time," she'd assured me. "We'll pick you up and drop you off again—we really want you to come!" Back then I'd been excited about the visit. Now, all I could think about was how much I'd miss everybody. Last night we'd eaten dinner at a restaurant near the Pueblo city park, and I must’ve looked sad, because Bill said, “No crying yet. Save that till tomorrow! I’m sure you’ll meet lots of wonderful people on the rest of your journey.”

He's right, I assured myself. I knew I would. But a few tears slipped out anyway as I ate my ravioli.

And now it was 4:30, and Terri had come to the city park to pick me up. Visiting the Blessmans will be fun, I told myself. But somehow, the last thing I wanted to do was climb into Terri's mini-van. Too quickly, my bike and panniers were packed up and I stood facing Jeff and Wyeth and Abbey and Bill.

“I think I’m gonna cry,” I said, and I promptly did.

“I think I’m gonna, too,” said Abbey, hugging me hard.

“Goodbye,” I said to Wyeth and Jeff, “thanks for everything.” We all hugged then, in the parking lot under the scorching Colorado sun, and I couldn’t stop crying.

“Have a safe trip,” we said to each other. Then I got into the air-conditioned van next to Terri and we zoomed away, south into the mountains. I apologized to Terri for being so distracted. But I felt more empty and alone with every mile we drove.

That night I called home. “I miss Jeff and Wyeth already!” I told my mother sadly.

Mom sighed. “I miss them too, believe me!

“I cried when we said goodbye.”

“Maybe I’ll cry too! It's times like this I have more anxiety about your trip than I let myself think about." She was quiet for a minute. "I have to say, I really enjoyed knowing you were with those boys and then Wyeth’s family. Loneliness is what I would fear the most in traveling alone…”

After an incredible sunset, I read bedtime stories to Alison and Elliot Blessman. It reminded me of being at home. Everything seemed to remind me of home, lately.

Later at night, Terri and I sat outside together watching the stars. I saw a meteor shoot between the pinon trees, and coyotes howled from out on the plains. And far in the distance, a mountain peak rose above everything, reaching for the heavens.

≈

The next day I felt better, and I organized my stuff and wrote letters. Alison and Elliot took me on a tour of their property, and showed me “fire ants." I was informed that “They’re called that ‘cause they hurt like fire when they bite!"

In the afternoon there was a thunderstorm followed by a rainbow. We all watched it from the front porch, an arc of color over the gray landscape. I decided later that I had fallen in love with yet another mountain range.

Terri brought me back to the Pueblo city park encampment on Thursday, but not before she insisted on driving me to the food co-op and the post office. "You ride your bike plenty," she said. "The least I can do is take you shopping!"

I told her she didn't have to do anything. "But thanks," I said. "It is nice to not ride every now and then!" Terri had been so nice to me in the last few days, and I didn't know how to thank her. She'd put up with my moodiness about leaving the Turtle Squad, and I marveled that she still wanted to take me shopping.

"Thanks for everything!" I said as she drove away. "Goodbye!"

I was sick of saying goodbye.

≈

There was someone else camped in the cyclists' tenting area that evening, though, and my hopes jumped quickly. Maybe it would be a person who was riding west and wanted company! Maybe they'd be like Jeff and Wyeth. But I knew the odds of meeting just the right person were pretty slim.

The other cyclist turned out to be a fifty-ish man named Charles, riding from Norfolk, Virginia. We chatted as we ate dinner together and he was nice enough, but—no offense to Charles—I sure wished that a Wyeth or a Jeff would show up right about then. Charles, I learned, had ridden from Virginia to Pueblo in one month, and had taken only one rest day the whole time.

As the gray sky was fading into a dull sunset, a car drove up to our encampment in the park. I was suspicious at first, but then a short, dark-haired woman jumped out and introduced herself as Chriss. “…And this is my husband, Tony," she added, briskly opening car doors and tossing bags onto the ground. "We’re riding our bikes cross-country and just took a side-trip—by car, obviously!—to the Grand Canyon and Bryce Canyon and all that, which was so incredible! Day after tomorrow we’re gonna get back in the saddle again, but tonight we need to stay here, if you two don't mind sharing this spot. See, we are really cyclists!" Chriss opened the trunk to display two disassembled bikes. "Tony, you wanna get the bikes? I'll get the tent."

She laughed, and started talking again before either Tony or I could get a word in edgewise. “We had to take them completely apart to get them in," she told me, "the bikes, I mean. And it’s such a chore to put them together; I almost didn't want to go to the canyons! I hope Tony remembers how to do it. We wanted a bigger car, but this was the only one available and we really wanted to leave right away that day so we could see the max amount of the canyons. I thought we might not be able to fit the bikes in at all, but we got ‘em in by taking off the handlebars and just about everything else. And my goodness, it looks like it’s going to rain! By the way, what’s your name?” Chriss asked me. I'd been wondering when she was going to take a breath. “I'm sorry, I totally forgot to ask!”

“I’m Sara,” I said, laughing by this time, “Nice to meet you!”

“Nice to meet you, too. We’re from New Zealand and we’re taking a ten-month tour through lots of countries. The USA sure is big, though, and these mountains are just about killing me! Oh, Tony—I’ll see what I can scrape up for diner after I do the tent. I hope we have some food left!” Giggling, she began rummaging in the backseat. "I think the tent's in here somewhere! By the way, is your name Sarabeth?”

“Actually, yeah,” I said. “How'd you know?”

“Wow!" Chriss poked her head back out of the car to look at me before she resumed her rummaging. "Well, we ran into this couple in Wyoming, Lili and Jack, and Lili was telling everyone about you. She said to look out for a young woman on a bike, riding to some summer camp in Oregon. I thought you might be her, but I wasn’t quite sure. Are you really seventeen? Lili told me you were, but I didn't believe it! You don’t look that young, anyway. Oh, nice, here's the tent!”

“Yup, I’m really seventeen,” I told her. "And I am riding to a summer camp, of sorts. Hey, can I help with that?"

We dragged an assortment of stuff-sacks onto the lawn, and Chriss un-stuffed the tent. "It never goes up the same way twice," she told me. "The tent, I mean. You'd think I'd have the routine down by this time, but I don't. It's this stupid fly. Anyway, that's neat!" Chriss was now determinedly banging on a tent stake with her shoe. “I’ve never biked solo, and I wish I had the guts to go it alone.”

“So, how are the mountains back east?” asked Chriss. We were sitting inside their roomy dome tent to avoid the drizzling rain and mosquitoes outside. Charles had retreated to his tent soon after they arrived—he seemed pretty shy. “I’ve heard the Ozarks and Appalachians are even steeper than the Rockies, and I don’t honestly know how I’m going to get up them.”

“Well, they are pretty steep—but they’re shorter," I assured her. "And they're very nice. I’m sure you’ll like them.”

“I don’t think I’ll like them,” Chriss said firmly. “They are mountains. I don’t like riding uphill and I never will. But it’ll be fun, anyway.”

“How much longer is your trip?” I asked.

“Well, we need to be home in Auckland at the end of January, next year. We don’t know how much more we’re going to ride by then, since we like to ride slow—don’t we Tony?" Chriss didn't wait for an answer. "Well actually, he could ride faster, but I get miserable so we don’t. We've been doing about forty miles a day. We meet these people who are doing seventy mile days! I think that’s a little crazy, 'cause then you don’t get to see things. When are you planning to get to the coast?”

“Well, I’d like to get to Eugene on August fifteenth or so.”

“You’re trying to get there by the fifteenth? You’re definitely brave. But then again, you’re probably in better shape than me. All this riding, and still—just look at my legs! Not exactly masses of muscle.”

“Why do you think it’ll take so long?” I asked her. “Now you’re making me nervous!”

“Oh no, really, we just took a long time because of our shorter days. You sound like you’ve been doing more than we've been doing. We left the coast in April.”

Wait a minute, I thought a second later. I left the coast in March!

Chriss' chatter cheered me up, and an hour later I fell asleep in my tent, comforted by these new members of my rolling community.

≈

Charles and I were up at the same time the next morning, and we decided to ride together for the day. Charles Wagner was a man of few words, so we packed up in the misty morning in a companionable silence. We rolled out of the park at 7:30.

It was good to be out early, and my body felt strong. Three months of riding had made me in control of my muscles. It was hard to remember the Sarabeth who, back in Virginia, could barely make it up the hills.

My one complaint all day was that, even though the landscape was gorgeous, there was no one to share that beauty with. Charles wasn't one to laugh and talk up the hills like Jeff and Wyeth had—and I'd gotten used to enjoying things with other people. Things are so much prettier when you can show them to someone! I thought, pedaling past some cool rocks that I knew the guys would like.

But even without other people to gape at the mountains with me, I enjoyed the ride. The roads curved through the foothills of the Rockies now, and were very different from the unvaryingly straight highways in Kansas and eastern Colorado. I appreciated the switchbacks, which made the grades much gentler than they'd been in the Appalachians and Ozarks (where road builders seemed to think that switchbacks were for wimps).

After lunch, we pedaled past red granite outcroppings near Canon City, and plants grew sparsely from the red sand on top of them. The red was the only colorful thing in the landscape and it added a spark to the dark background of gray sky, green trees, and the towering, hazy mountains. It’s amazing how the terrain can change so much in a few days! I thought. Back in Ordway, these mountains were like a figment in my imagination as I pedaled through the heat. Tonight as I lay in my tent, writing in my journal, I was grateful for the warmth of my sleeping bag.

I was lonely, though, and even the sleeping bag couldn't keep me from shivering.

≈

The next day, Charles and I informally decided to travel together for awhile. Or rather, we realized that we had the same schedule planned for the next week or two and we might as well ride together some of the time. Knowing that Charles was there, even if he were a couple miles ahead, was a comforting fact to keep in the back of my mind. If I can't be with the Turtle Squad, then at least it helps to know there's somebody friendly around! I decided.

On Saturday, I pedaled into the sunny morning, happy to ride.

As soon as I turned off the main highway, I stopped my bike in amazement. Before me was a dish-shaped valley, miles and miles long and covered with wildflowers and sagebrush. The road wound gently through the basin until it disappeared over the top of a distant ridge. And the sun, just risen over the top of the eastern mountain, cast long, gleaming rays of light over the fairyland. I had rolled into an enchanted paradise, and knowing that the day’s twenty-five miles would all be uphill didn’t even make me flinch.

As the sun rapidly warmed the landscape, I shed layers until I was sweating in my jersey and shorts. And still, the magic of the landscape held me close. Crickets sang, and that was the only sound. A prong-horn antelope leaped out suddenly, and stopped still at the roadside to look at me. We stared quizzically at one another for a few moments, and then it galloped alongside me before it outdistanced my slow bicycle and disappeared.

The sky was getting bluer. The colors were getting sharper. I was in the mountains now for real. Being in the mountains, I discovered, also meant that I got headaches and some nosebleeds from the altitude. That evening, the folks at the Schecter Hostel said I should drink twice as much water as normal. It did seem to help.

Despite having the option of sleeping inside the rodent-inhabited hostel, I decided to camp on the front lawn. It was the more hygienic choice, and I couldn't have asked for a more amazing view. I could see down the hill and far away to the mountains that scooped up the valley. And behind them I could see even higher mountains, their peaks capped with white. When the sun set, the clouds glowed pinkish-gold and the sky flamed with color. The beauty made my heart ache. I wished that the Turtle Squad could have been there to see it.

≈

It was cool the next morning, and I left around seven. I was alone once again with the flowers, the mountains, and the antelope. The sun rose over the mountains as I rode the almost traffic-free roads to Current Creek Pass. At the top of the pass, the Rockies stretched out to the horizon, as if they were beckoning.

The scenery got lovelier as the day went on, though sometimes I would catch myself not looking at anything, just thinking. Now that I was riding mostly alone, I had so much time to think. My thoughts didn't copy well into my journal, as they jumped randomly from childhood memories to pondering where the antelope spent the winter. I sometimes wondered if I was wasting my time, but mostly I thought I wasn't. It's important to think about things! I told myself firmly. That's what the trip is all about.

After riding forty-two miles and climbing to 10,000 feet, I caught up with Charles and rode into the touristy but beautiful town of Fairplay. It was a surprisingly hot day, and we were looking forward to getting off our bikes.

The cyclists' guidebook I'd ordered back in Missouri—"The Book," as Dennis Garrett had called it—said that a woman named Bonnie Edmondson welcomed cyclists to camp in her yard. "Make a right on Fourth street to reach her house,” said the directions.

Charles and I pedaled up Fourth Street, and finally approached number 467.

“Hers is supposed to be 468,” I said, “but it looks like this house is the last on the street.” We pedaled a few feet farther. And we both realized that 468 wasn’t there. More accurately, the mailbox was there, but inside the front gate there was a huge mass of charred wood, presumably the remains of Bonnie Edmondson’s home. The fire looked like it had happened recently, and the house was completely burned to the ground. “Oh...” I said uncertainly.

We rode back into town and over to the RV Park at the far end of Fairplay. Not exactly a choice campsite, but it had to do. Although I asked in town, no one seemed to be aware of any fire on Fourth Street, and no one knew of a Bonnie Edmondson.

≈

Charles planned to stay in a hotel in Silverthorne, so we didn’t ride together up Hoosier Pass the next day. We wished each other luck after eating breakfast, and I set off alone up Hoosier, the 11,542-foot summit of which is infamous among TransAm riders as the highest point on the Trail.

It was a golden morning, and the sun came over the mountain and warmed me as I pedaled north towards the pass. For five miles it was relatively flat, and I coasted through the sleeping town of Alma, barely even aware that I was going uphill. After that, when the grade grew steeper, I was pumping on adrenaline.

My muscles flexed and relaxed, my eyes gazed at the larger-than-life mountains surrounding me, and I fell into a rhythm. “I’m doing it, I’m doing it,” I fairly sang as I rode. “I’m climbing it, I’m climbing it.” The road unfolded before me, undeniably uphill but inviting nonetheless. My whole body moved with ease, strong and fluid, ready for anything. Tall pines lined the road, piercing the deep blue sky. Laughing with pleasure, out of breath, I finally stopped for a short break after two miles.

"Hey," I said, staring at the shoulder.

"California" was written in paint on the pavement. When I resumed riding, another word appeared after twenty yards: “Cyclists.” I kept pedaling, and sure enough, words kept coming. When I’d covered a quarter of a mile, I’d decoded the sentence: “California—cyclists—make it—to Oregon—with—their legs—and—their heads.”

Unnoticed by people in cars, this was a message written for bikers, and I smiled.

For the next mile I wouldn’t stop, couldn’t stop, had to keep pedaling closer and closer to the top. My now well-trained body moved like an oiled machine, and I barely even felt any pain in my knees. Then, there it was: The Summit.

With an extra burst of speed, I reached the sign that read: “Hoosier Pass, elev. 11,542. Continental Divide.” Laughing and crying, I was on the top of the world. “I rode my bike here,” I whispered to myself. "I rode my bike here!"

≈

I flew downhill in the "SuperTuck" position, Jeff's technique of leaning as far forward over the handlebars as possible in order to maximize aerodynamic advantage. The trees and flowers zipped by at upwards of forty m.p.h.

WHIZ! A pothole went by, my bike and I curving smoothly to avoid it.

WHOOSH! I laughed at the sky, felt the wind on my face, and I was supremely happy. I had no thoughts except the awareness of my body and my bike in space, flying down an incredible mountain. Suddenly, as I rounded a bend, I saw three loaded cyclists on their way up to Hoosier. My brakes needed to cool down anyway, so I stopped to say hi.

“Hello!” I said. They didn’t look as happy pedaling uphill as I was zipping down.

“Hello,” they greeted me. They weren't too talkative. I asked the men if they were riding the TransAm.

“Actually,” one of them said shortly, “we’re riding a modified Adventure Cycling route. A loop of the mountains around here. We left yesterday. Gonna be out for a week—we’re from a local biking club."

Then another man, wearing a blue jersey, looked at me. “Are you riding the TransAm?” he asked doubtfully.

“Yup,” I said. There was silence as three faces stared unbelievingly at me.

“From Virginia?” a red-jerseyed one queried.

“Yup,” I said again.

“And—” he couldn’t quite formulate the words “—are you riding....alone??”

“Yup,” I said, laughing at their solemn faces, “technically. I’ve actually ridden with people I’ve met most of the way.”

“Do you know how to fix bikes and stuff?” Red Jersey asked. I explained about my bike shop apprenticeship.

“…And may I ask,” said Blue Jersey, “how old you are? Pardon me, but you don’t look very old.”

“I’m seventeen,” I said. Three faces stared again, this time with some horror mixed in with the disbelief. I wondered if I should have lied about my age—the truth seemed to upset them. Finally, Red Jersey relaxed his stare.

“Y'know,” he said to his buddies, “think back to when we were seventeen. What were we doing?” There was silence, then a general embarrassed laugh. “Yeah—let’s not talk about it. I think it’s pretty great that you’re doing this.”

After wishing each other luck on our respective trips, I zoomed away down the mountain, happy to be a teenager on a bike heading to Oregon.

Breckenridge was a hustle-and-bustle tourist town, the site of one of the oldest and largest historic districts in Colorado. Besides that, it is the second most popular ski mountain in North America in wintertime, and as The Book said, “it’s the kind of place where you can shop until you drop any time of the year.”

Suddenly overwhelmed by the crowds of people and cars, I dismounted and walked slowly down the sidewalk. I was out of place in my helmet and cleats next to men and women in suits and high-heels.

Then a man in jeans materialized out of the crowd. “Me and my friend drove past you coming over Hoosier a while ago," he said. "I just wanted to come over and say hi.”

“Hi!” I said.

“Are you riding across the country?”

“Yeah—I’m riding the TransAmerica bike route from Virginia to Oregon.”

“That’s so cool,” said the man, who had curling black hair and a wide smile. “I’ve always wanted to do something like that. Anyway, listen—my friends and I just went into the Rasta Pasta, and we were wondering if you wanted to come out to eat with us and tell us some stories about your trip…"

Several minutes later I found myself seated in the Rasta Pasta, a restaurant with Bob Marley-inspired decor and a huge picture of Marley himself on the wall behind me. Mike, the one who had originally invited me, introduced me to his two friends and his wife.

“So,” said Mike, “tell us your story...”

Despite Breckenridge's posh shopping atmosphere that had turned me off at first, I had entered a part of the country where biking was serious business; mountain and road bikers alike treated their sport seriously. From Breckenridge to Frisco and then on to Silverthorne, I rode on the most incredible bike path I’d ever seen. The two-lane, smoothly paved trail connected Breckenridge with Vail, forty miles away. Today, even though it was Monday, the path was a bicyclist’s superhighway. There were mountain bikes of all sizes and descriptions, hundreds of regular road bikes, at least a dozen tandems, and then I watched, open-mouthed, as a 4-seater bicycle scooted past me. A recumbent tandem followed it, and as if that weren’t enough, along zipped a five-seater bike, the father and mother in front and the daughters lined up from tallest to smallest in the rear.

Here, I reflected, I absolutely belong!

Twenty Five – My Life

And people said my parents were overprotective, I thought, pedaling across a wind-swept plateau just north of Silverthorne. They all said if I didn't go to school, I'd be sheltered from the real world.

Those people, I decided as I rode below an enormously wide June sky, were wrong. If riding up the Rockies, balancing my finances, and interacting with strangers all day long wasn't the real world, I didn't know what was.

≈

When all the other five-year-olds in my neighborhood boarded a school bus for the first time, I continued to have tea parties with my dolls, play hide and seek with my brother, and create elaborate works of art from construction paper. That year my parents decided to homeschool me, although I was unaware in early September 1984 that my life was taking a different path from the lives of almost every other five-year-old in America.

As the years passed, I realized that people my age usually sat inside a building called "school" for most of the day, but it was a reality far removed from my own life. I never had lessons or tests; my parents gave me the freedom to decide what, how and when I wanted to learn. Sometimes I said that we "homeschooled." Sometimes I called it "self-directed learning." But mainly I called it my Life, and in my mind I didn't separate academic subjects from any other interest or hobby I had.

Skeptics said it wouldn't work. Friends and strangers were convinced that I would have no math skills, no employment opportunities, no knowledge of literature, and that I would turn out to be a social misfit. I proved them wrong by making friends, learning to read and do multiplication, and finding jobs.

Concerned aunts said my parents really should make me write something—anything—and that I should overcome my shyness already. It wasn't until I was fourteen that I wrote my first essay; later in the year, I traveled to Alaska alone to visit a homeschooling family who I'd never met. Three years later, I'd had articles published in our local newspaper and my stories had won awards from Cricket magazine, and I was planning my cross-country bike ride.

People started telling my parents that I was too young to be so independent.

The basic tenet of my parents' educational philosophy was, She'll learn it if she needs or wants to know it. A baby learns to walk and talk because she wants to be a part of her society, they reasoned—why should a desire to learn stop there?

But all through my childhood, that simple idea seemed to elude even some of our closest friends and extended family. My grandparents, as well as total strangers, seemed to think that certain activities just couldn't happen outside of school. "How do you make friends?" the girls in my ballet class would ask. "How will you get a Good Job? What about going to college? Can you write an essay?"

The questions that no one ever asked were things like, "Do you have the skills to take care of yourself?" "Can you cook a balanced meal, or enjoy a great book, or find your way around a city you've never been to before?" "Do you get along well with your family?" "Are you comfortable spending time alone?" People didn't seem to be curious about the things I thought were most important.

Sometimes, though, a person really would want to know about my schooling—and I'd tell him or her about the Civil War books I was reading, how I was writing a book review for our food co-op's newsletter, and that I was currently studying The Geography Coloring Book.

But, I would tell the Truly Curious Questioner, my education also included things like doing chores, playing with my brothers and sister, traveling with my family, building forts in the backyard, dancing in the living room, not having a television, meeting people of all ages and backgrounds, making dolls out of yarn, playing the piano, and controlling my own time.

I would explain that one of the most important things I learned was that I could learn just about anything I wanted to.

Especially as I got older, though, folks I met often weren't curious at all. They didn't seem to want answers to their questions, and they didn't try to disguise their real thoughts about homeschooling: “You’ll be stupid." "You won’t have friends." "You'll never get a job." "Your parents are practically committing child abuse.”

"Ultimately," people who barely knew me were saying, “you will be a failure.”

Those are powerful things to say to anyone, especially a child. And by 1997, I had stored away about eleven years' worth of the resentment that built up after each unpleasant interrogation.

My bike trip became, in some ways, proof of the validity of my upbringing—proof I could show to the world, possibly even the newspapers and all my relatives.

"Look at me!" I wanted to shout, very loudly. “Look at me now. Do you get it, already?? Can you see how important it was for me to learn and grow at my own pace, so that a painfully shy 4-year-old (and a fairly shy 13-year-old, for that matter), could become an outgoing 17-year-old riding her bike cross-country?

"Look at me now! I'm not the failure you predicted I'd be."

John Holt wrote about educational reform back in the seventies, and went on to become the father of the modern secular homeschooling movement. In his book, What Do I Do Monday? he writes:

We can best understand learning as growth, an expanding of ourselves into the world around us. We can also see that there is no difference between living and learning, that living is learning, that it is impossible, and misleading and harmful to think of them as being separate.

My trip in 1997 was, mostly, an expansion into my world.

Twenty Six – Wyoming: "Like No Place On Earth"

I met Kyla Wetherell in 1996 at Not Back To School Camp, a camp in Oregon for homeschooled teenagers. Kyla was my advisor at Camp. Even before that, though, I'd read an essay of hers in a book called Real Lives, where she'd written about her own bike tour. At 16, Kyla had been an honor student—and editor of the school newspaper—when she left high school in the middle of eleventh grade. She proceeded to take her bicycle to South America alone, where she traveled around and worked for a year. I read her story in Real Lives several dozen times.

I think that people are inspired when they are open to inspiration; in the summer of 1996, I was open to it, and I turned Kyla into my heroine. "Kyla did it," I would say to myself when I got overwhelmed by my trip plans. "It must have been hard for Kyla, too," I would think, as I pedaled up a steep pass. Thinking about her alone in Colombia and Ecuador renewed my certainty that I could meet my own challenge.

Although I knew Kyla's trip hadn't been all fun and games, I wanted to emulate her strength. She barely knew how important her notes of encouragement were before I left; all the way across the country, I carried a letter that she'd sent, wishing me luck. While I rode through Wyoming, I thought of Kyla a lot. I wondered what she had really been thinking when she rode through South America alone.

≈

On July 3, Charles and I left at seven o'clock—but we didn’t beat the winds, which went from strong to stronger. Eight miles from Walden I passed through the town of Cowdrey, population 20, and beyond that there was no sign of human habitation for about 42 miles. No stores, no houses, no people—nothing but the wild landscape, mountains looming on all sides. At mile 22, in the middle of the emptiness, stood the state sign riddled with bullet holes: “Wyoming: Like No Place on Earth.”

After several snaps of camera shutters, we rode into the seventh state on the TransAm trail. The only immediate difference between Colorado and Wyoming was that the latter sported five-foot wide shoulders on its basically traffic-free roads. Wyoming had 500,000 residents, most of whom lived in Cheyenne (“The City”). Whenever a car came past, I’d think, There goes a significant percentage of the population! The prairie-dogs were numerous, though, and they wiggled their noses at me before darting down their holes as I passed.

I passed two eastbound riders around ten-thirty, but they didn’t stop. Not that I really blamed them—they had an awesome tailwind. The wind was relentlessly strong, and I gritted my teeth and tried to forget about it.

To my amazement, though, I'd pedaled fifty miles by 12:30—and I had the whole afternoon to shower, relax, and enjoy the mosquito-free confines of my tent. The shadows danced on the gray nylon of my cocoon, and I lay and watched them for a long time. Somewhere today in the middle of sage-brush and prairie dogs, my odometer had registered 3,000 miles.

≈

It was a sizzling-hot afternoon when Charles and I rode into Rawlins on Independence Day. It was an industrial, sprawling city, strip malls lining the highways, and there were numerous budget motels with garish billboards. The main attraction of the motels, according to the signs, was that they were “air-conditioned.”

We stayed in an RV park with no air-conditioning (or even any shade), but I found some semblance of coolness in the small gift shop that sold postcards. I spent a long time picking out cards, heat wafting through the windows. The card I got for my family had a picture of a telephone pole that was labeled “Wyoming State Tree.” A cowboy and his horse were holding onto the pole for dear life, and a little bubble said “Wind... What Wind?”

I paid the woman behind the counter, who sat fanning her face with a newspaper.

"What's it like to run a campground?" I asked her. Maybe I could buy some more time before heading out into the dismally hot, open expanse that was the tenting area. And why would you want to run one here? I wanted to ask, but didn't.

The woman told me that seven years ago, she and her husband decided that they wanted to buy a campground. They sold their house in Washington state, got rid of most of their possessions, got into their RV and drove away. "We tooled around for six months," the woman said, "all around the Pacific Northwest. Saw some beautiful places, we did!" She and her husband went real estate shopping in Oregon, explored Utah, and thought about buying a place in Idaho.

Then, they arrived in Rawlins, Wyoming and they decided that this RV Park in industrial USA was for them. "We knew immediately," the woman told me. She sat behind her counter with a far-away look in her eyes, and I followed her gaze out the window toward the strip malls, trying to understand her affection.

Still, it was fascinating to see how people lived in different places. Life in Rawlins seemed so different from life in the Appalachians, from life in the Ozarks or the Great Plains of Kansas. But there were similarities between people all over, connecting threads that bound together all the people I’d met. We were all struggling and laughing and crying and living, everyone trying to live the best life they knew how.

That night, Charles and I watched fireworks explode above the fairgrounds down in the city. For a half-hour, the sky was full of color. And then all was black, and I slept while the evening turned cool.

≈

Over the past few months, cyclists had warned me about the wind in Wyoming. I'd heard a story about seven guys from William and Mary college who'd been hit with winds so strong that they had to turn back to Rawlins and stay an extra night until the gale calmed down. The next morning, they'd pedaled out of town at four a.m. to beat the wind.

Charles and I left Rawlins early too, before it could get windier than it had already been during the night.

For thirty-two miles, there was sagebrush and the everlasting wind-swept plateau. Different parts of the plateaus and hills had names, and according to my maps, I crossed the “Separation Flats” and “The Great Divide Basin." Sometime around noon, I passed the “Shamrock Hills,” way on the horizon to the left. But mostly the land looked the same, incredibly open and amazingly huge. I passed a building at mile thirty-two. "Grandma’s Café" stood rickety and weathered just inside the city limits of Lamont, pop. 3.

In the afternoon the terrain changed, and cliffs rose abruptly from the sagebrush and sparseness. Even though there were few cars to be seen, the road had numerous turnoffs and historical markers.

The TransAm Trail intersects the Oregon Trail and the Pony Express Route near Split Rock. Split Rock, I soon learned from the roadside markers, was a well-known landmark for early white settlers. They could see the landmark for a day of travel as they approached from the east, and it remained in view for another two days when they passed by and proceeded west. I tried to imagine the empty landscape as it had been between 1812 and 1869, when the Oregon trail was the main route taken by the estimated 350,000 immigrants heading West.

Unfortunately, my roadside history lessons were cut short each time I stopped—there were too many mosquitoes to daydream for longer than a few seconds. I tried not to blame the bloodsuckers—after all, what’s a mosquito to eat except cyclists when it lives out in the middle of Wyoming?

Jeffrey City, my home for the night, supposedly had a population of 3,000 at some point during the last century. This afternoon it was a veritable ghost town. A few closed-down storefronts lined the road, and some decrepit tract housing stood next to two saloons. The Lion’s Club Park consisted of a huge pavilion with waist-high grass surrounding it. I doubted that the Lion's Club existed any more. And I wondered how two bars could stay in business right next to each other in a town that you could miss if you blinked. From where did they draw their clientele? I guessed that that’s the way it is with bars—they can exist and prosper in the strangest places.

That night, I wrote in my journal:

Right now I'm safe in my tent, which is on top of a picnic table since the grass is so high. Outside, there are millions upon millions of mosquitoes. I set up camp, made dinner, shoved my gear into the tent, and got inside myself in an amazingly short period of time. I think I probably set some kind of record...and if I have to go to the bathroom tonight, I’m holding it in.

≈

Jeffrey City didn’t offer much of an incentive to stay longer than necessary, and by seven o’clock the next day, Charles and I were pedaling into the sun-streaked golden morning. We met an east-bound cyclist at mile twenty who warned us to "start preparing now" for Idaho. “The mountains are killer,” he told us. “I’ve never ridden anything so steep and long in my life.”

Well then, I guess that I won't try to ride a hundred miles a day like you do! I thought, but I didn't say anything because his mind was already made up. Some people seemed to think that Adventuring required lots of Suffering. I did not.

Twenty Seven – Letters

Mom

Wednesday, June 25 (I think)

Dear Sara,

We all needed our ‘Sara Fix’ when you called tonight. April does miss you a lot.

Jacki took Matt and Loren and April out for ice cream today. We are bending the rules a bit lately; I feel pressured by the outside world, namely our community of health food fanatics who love junk food. I think that maybe our family’s taste buds are established anyway. Everyone likes seaweed and vegetables and tofu, so I hope the ice cream won’t influence things too much.

Daddy and I are reading a novel about a physicist. I can hardly wait to finish it so we can discuss it—we have our own family book club…

Daddy was happy to find that the web page your friend Reanna set up about your trip is operational today. I haven't seen it yet, but he says it is interesting.

…So anyway, that's the news. I am going to mail this tomorrow to make sure it gets where it is supposed to go. I miss you very much, but I am glad you are where you want to be.

Love, Ruth (alias Mom).

Dad

July 6, 97

Dearest Sara,

I just checked your web-site, and after reading your letter from Walsenburg, CO I am finally writing…

My obsession these days has been gravity. I've been waking up at three a.m. and scribbling down potentials and integrals and stuff. Although I've been working on this theory for over ten years, in April I made a big breakthrough and now I'm possessed. …Your mother makes wisecracks when I get up at three a.m. with my mind spinning, but then she goes back to sleep.

July 10

It's a gorgeous day, and I decided to leave the Crab Nebula behind for a while and sit outside and write. I've been following the Tour de France on-line this year. It is the perfect event for computer analysis. They have photos of the tour, etc. Lots of injuries this year, though. Everyone is falling down.

I keep checking your web-site, waiting for new info. The most impressive thing to me is the map. Just to see where you are and how far you've come is simply amazing. I am so proud of you.

…Well, Mom has convinced me that I should get this to you sooner rather than later, so I'll close now and wish you luck on the last leg of your adventure.

I love you dearly, Dad

Part Three – "I do it for the Joy it Brings"

Twenty Eight – Inspiration

In the middle of Wyoming, on a day that was similar to many other days I'd had so far, I got a letter from my friend Emily. The envelope was on the bottom of my pile of letters, and I didn't notice the quote written in the corner until I was about to stuff all the mail into my handlebar bag. And then I saw it:

“...I do it for the

Joy it brings

‘Cause I’m a

joyful girl...”

–Ani DiFranco

I stared at the words, peculiarly transfixed for a moment. That’s it! I thought. That’s why I do it! How did Emily know?

I hastily scribbled the quote on a scrap of paper and put it into my map case, in plain sight. For the rest of the day, the quote rolled off my lips at random, practically unbidden intervals. When the wind got rough, I whispered to the Wyoming sky, “...I do it for the joy it brings!” As I watched the mountains' solid presence, the prairie dogs’ skittering, the sunshine on the sage brush, I said, “I’m a joyful girl...”

I wish I had the courage to say it to everyone! I thought. I could say it to all the people who look at me like I’m a space alien on a bicycle. “I do it for the joy it brings,” I'd say calmly, “’cause I’m a joyful girl.”

Admiration, I decided later, is different from inspiration. You can admire someone greatly without changing your life because of her. Inspiration, I thought, was when someone or something makes you stop and look around yourself, re-evaluate and change.

For me, as I pedaled through windy, wide-open Wyoming during the seventeenth summer of my life, Ani DiFranco's quote provided inspiration. For the rest of the trip the words stayed with me, my mantra during difficulty, my talisman against despair. I would remind myself: I do it for the joy it brings. "Don't forget," I'd remind myself just a tiny bit ironically, as I pedaled up a steep grade, "you're doing this 'cause it brings you Joy!"

Those thirteen words, lyrics of a song I'd never heard, made me smile more for the rest of my journey.

≈

The afternoon I read Em's letter, I climbed a steep hill up to Beaver Ridge. I reached the top, breathless, and as I started to coast down, I rolled past one of those lovely signs with a picture of a truck on an incline. It said, “6% Grade Next 6 Miles: Use Lower Gear.”

A 6% grade is perfect. My bike rolled fast enough so no pedaling was required, yet slow enough so that I never had to use the brakes on turns. And as the road rolled out in front of me, faster and faster, my quote sang out into the Wyoming skies.

“...I do it for the joy it brings cause I’m a joyful girl...” I laughed as I zoomed downhill past enormous red cliffs and tiny wildflowers, everything blurring in my vision until I was hardly aware of my body or space or time. My speedometer hit forty and I plummeted down into the valley. My bike was an extension of my consciousness, obeying me before I realized what I wanted to do. Then with the suddenness with which downhills always end, an enormous uphill loomed ahead. On the pavement in front of me, some cyclist had written “Resume Pedaling.”

Once in the afternoon, I stopped my bike and listened. It was totally, completely quiet and still—at that moment there were no birds, no cars, no crickets, no buzzing power lines, and the wind had died momentarily. I never heard so much silence. I stood alone with my bike, and thought-pictures flooded my mind. I saw my grandparents and my grandparents’ grandparents, stretching in a mass of humanity back to Russia, to farther back than anyone knew about today, to the beginning of everything. For a moment I was surrounded, in that Wyoming-quiet landscape, by all the people who made it possible for me to be who I was right then; to be riding my bike across the country. I thanked my ancestors. Better enjoy living while you can, I thought. Who knows when you'll be gone.

Then a bird sang and broke the spell. I shook myself as I found myself back with my bike in the silence, and I moved on.

≈

Lander, Wyoming, was recently named the "fifth-nicest small town in America" by some person or publication that the sign didn't name. It was the first permanent settlement in Wind River Country, and Lander stood proudly in the middle of miles and miles of wilderness.

The Howdyshell family lived six miles out of town, in a small house bursting with kids. Two girls came out when I pulled up, one with bright red curls and the other with short blond hair. “Hey!” I greeted them. “I’m Sarabeth.”

“Mom’s been waitin' for you,” the blond one said shyly. “Come in."

"You must be Sarabeth! Make yourself at home," said Cindy Howdyshell, energetically bounding down the steps when I walked in. “My goodness, you got here quickly. We expected you’d get here by four at the earliest. Did the girls introduce themselves? This is Moriah,” she pointed to the blond-haired girl, “and she’s seven. Onnah here, the redhead, is four. Then there’s Bronwyn, she’s somewhere around, and she’s nine. Joe—hey Joe, come say hi!—is the oldest, he’s thirteen. The baby's Gwynnaedd, she’s two. And Keiry—her whole name is Keirwyth—is out riding. Keiry just loves horses.”

“Yeah!” Another girl walked in, freckled and smiling—the missing Bronwyn. “She likes 'em more than anything.”

“I guess that’s almost true,” laughed Cindy. “Okay, so that’s Bronwyn, and now you got everyone’s names. We won’t quiz you till tomorrow! So—do you need anything? Are you hungry?"

Moriah accompanied me to unpack my bike. She examined it carefully with her bright eyes. "What's in those bags. Is that gray one your tent? And are those the only clothes you have?”

“Yup, that’s the tent,” I said. “And yeah, these are the only clothes I’ve got. I do have a skirt though—I'll put it on after I shower. I get pretty sick of bike clothes!”

“I would too!" agreed Moriah. "Those—” she pointed to my cycling tights “—are the funniest pants I have ever seen."

I spent the afternoon singing with Moriah and Bronwyn at the piano, and reading from the Howdyshell’s well-stocked bookcase. Cindy said I could take a layover day with them, which caused the kids to squeal their approval.

"I'm glad you're staying," said Onnah, sidling up to me after dinner. She was adorable, with those flaming red curls. At the moment, Onnah was intrigued with her Disney-theme drinking cups. “Here’s the Snow White one,” she told me, holding out a cup. “And these—” here she paused proudly and dramatically “—these are the Seven Dorves!”

In the evening, when Keiry came home from riding, she and Cindy showed me the animals. Keiry had red hair like Onnah, but it was long and straight and tied back in a tight ponytail. When she smiled—which was often, especially when she talked about her horse—her whole face lit up.

"What's that stream?" I asked, as Cindy unlocked the paddock door. A small trench ran through the yard, looking out of place in the harsh, dry soil.

“That’s where we get our water for the garden and things,” explained Keiry. “It come down from Lander, and everyone can take some along the way.”

“It saves the expense of laying pipes and stuff,” said Cindy.

Besides the horses, the Howdyshells had chickens, various house pets and a couple of borrowed goats. The goats, Keiry and Cindy explained, were experiments. “Goats eat just about everything,” said Cindy, “so we figured that if we let them loose in the pasture, they'd keep it trimmed—the horses don’t eat enough to keep it short, and it's ridiculous to mow it. So, we borrowed Poppy and Napoleon a few days ago to help eat it. But then yesterday, they ate two young tree saplings that we’ve been nurturing along—and trees are a very valued commodity out here, in case you haven’t noticed! So that's it for Poppy and Napoleon.” Cindy looked at them with a mixture of amusement and annoyance. "Now they're locked in this pen and they're going back to the neighbors first thing tomorrow. I guess now we've learned that goats won't save us from being lazy and not mowing the lawn."

≈

Next morning, I found myself sitting in the back of the Howdyshell's GMC Suburban, very much the city-girl-in-the-country. Moriah and Onnah sat next to me—and behind me was pandemonium. Poppy and Napoleon were being taken home, and they did not want to get into the back of the truck. Cindy and Keiry were matter-of-factly hoisting the animals in, feet first, which the goats did not appreciate at all, and so were bleating indignantly. Napoleon was larger than Poppy, and he kicked the hardest.

"Finally!" said Keiry as she inserted Napoleon's foot into the car. "They're in!" She and Cindy slammed the door, whereupon the goats resigned themselves to their fate and immediately began looking for something to eat. Moriah snatched a plastic bag from Poppy's mouth, but the goat kept looking. A second later, she saw my hair, dangling behind the seat.

“Hey!” I yelped, pulling it back just as Poppy was about to take a taste. “That’s mine!”

“Hey Sara, I’ll switch seats with you,” Bronwyn offered, “I’m used to sitting back there.”

I laughed, but I switched seats. I liked the goats a lot better when I wasn't sitting too close.

Keiry and I took a bike ride to Lander in the afternoon. On our way home, we spied a touring cyclist in the city park. "Wanna go say hi?" I asked Keiry.

"Sure!" she answered. We pedaled up to a picnic table that had a bike leaning on one end and a man sitting on the other. The man had a long, snow-white beard.

“Hello!” I said. “You look like a fellow touring cyclist! I'm touring too, cross-country, but I'm staying with Keiry today. This is Keiry, by the way. My name’s Sarabeth."

"Nice to meet you," said the man. Then he cocked his head. “Wait a minute: you said you are riding across the country? Why am I supposed to believe that? You don’t look like you are.”

“Well, uh–“ I was slightly taken aback. “I guess you don’t have to.”

“I was just kidding,” said the man, his face crinkling into a smile. “Now, where are you going and where are you comin’ from, and how much are you carryin’ on that bike when it’s loaded?”

I explained, and he told us that he was on a bike tour following the Mormon Trail. “I’m carrying a hundred pounds,” he said, “because that’s what the first Mormons carried. People say I’m crazy to be doing this, cause I’m sixty years old. My doctor said I shouldn’t ride in temperatures above seventy-five.” The man winked. “He ain’t never biked in Wyoming! It isn’t possible to ride when it’s cooler’n that, unless you ride at night. I sometimes do. Do you?”

“No, actually I avoid riding at night,” I said.

“You don’t ride at night?! Well then, you’re missing out on some of the prime joys of touring: riding through the desert with a full moon lighting your way… Ah, there’s nothing like it. That's really the only time it’s semi-cool in Utah, though I don’t think my doctor would've approved of me riding at night any more than he would riding in the heat. My knees are set to give out any day. But I take vitamins and I eat well—say, are you vegetarian?”

"Yeah…?"

“Well,” he said, satisfied, “that’s good. And do you take vitamins?” Without waiting for an answer, he gave poor Keiry and me a ten-minute lecture on the benefits of taking nutrition supplements. Finally, we managed to extricate ourselves from the conversation—we said we’d better be on our way home.

“…Well, it was nice talkin’ with you!” said the white-haired man. “An' it’s too bad you have to leave so fast. I have lots more questions I could ask! Oh well, just be sure you take your vitamins, now!”

“Not all of the cyclists I meet are like him!” I said to Keiry as we rode out of the park. "Really, they're not!"

≈

The Howdyshell girls were sad to see me go the next day. Moriah watched me sorrowfully as I packed up and said, “We’re going to miss you a lot!”

“I’m gonna miss all of you, too,” I said.

“You have to come back someday,” Bronwyn wailed, “‘cause you’re practically our sister now.”

Charles had stayed in a motel while I visited the Howdyshells, and he would stay in another one in Dubois. But on July 8, we met at a café in Lander to ride together for the day. The ride would be long, and we both wanted company. As we headed out of sleepy Lander, the landscape was dry and open. I faced the headwind, turned my cycle computer to “clock” mode, and vowed not to look at how far I’d gone until I’d gotten there.

The longest I'd ever ridden in one day was back in Kansas; I'd done 75 miles on a flat road. But today I would have to pedal 86 miles to reach the Liesenfeld family, north of Dubois.

After about 13 miles, we entered the 2,250,000-acre Wind River Indian Reservation, home of Eastern Shoshone and Northern Arapaho Indians. And as we rode deeper into the reservation, I couldn't stop thinking of all the roadside historical markers I'd been seeing lately. The signs extolled the bravery of white men marching westward, who “civilized” and “settled” this "savage" country. The historical markers grossly overlooked how the Native Americans were forced into reservations upon the white man’s arrival, cut off from their traditions, and introduced to a life-style that has thrown them into poverty. There was mention of a few Indians who helped out the settlers, but mostly the signs talked about how the Indians, for some strange reason, didn’t like the white man’s coming and so attacked him from ambushes.

As I rode through the reservation alone—Charles had gone on ahead—I started to feel guilty. Like I was trespassing, and somehow a part of the vicious cycle of violence and cruelty just by being there, seeing the situation and yet not doing anything to help it. It was Kentucky deja-vu. I shivered, even though I wasn’t cold at all. A second later, a pick-up came barreling down the road and a blond boy stuck his head out the window and screamed at me, wordless rage that echoed abrasively even after he was gone.

Feeling more vulnerable by the minute, I caught up with Charles and we rode together out of Fort Washakie. We were both uneasy, and riding together seemed infinitely better than riding alone.

Thirteen miles before Crowheart the highway began to parallel the Wind River. The scenery grew even more expansive and there was little traffic. I relaxed from the boy's yelling. And another twelve miles past Crowheart, the landscape became yet more spectacular.

The river followed the road closely now, beautiful, strong, foaming, and moving fast. I rode up to the crest of a hill and red cliffs rose in front of me as I began a short downhill. It was fiery, flaming red all around as I began to sink down into the canyon. The rock walls were wildly red, and I blinked to see it clearer. The road curved, and I curved with it—and for a few amazing minutes it was just me and the blazing color and the wild water. I rolled fast despite the increasing wind, and the beauty combined with the air whistling past made tears come. I wiped them away so I could see, though it didn’t matter because more came.

“I do it for the joy it brings ‘cause I’m a joyful girl,” I whispered. Over and over. I’m a joyful girl. I’m a joyful girl.

≈

After riding 86 miles on July 8, I made it to the Liesenfeld's house at 4:30, ate dinner, and went square dancing. "You don't have to come if you don't feel up to it!" Cathy told me. "It's just that we go every Tuesday."

"No, that sounds cool!" I said.

And so at 8:15, I found myself walking through a bar in “downtown” Dubois, into the back room where a good old-fashioned square dance was in progress. About fifty people were dancing, and a short, stubby man in black drawled out the calls while the floor pounded with a hundred feet in boots. There were some tourists, but there were also people wearing cowboy boots and cowboy hats, not to look like cowboys, but because they were cowboys. Round and round we went, the air growing hotter and hotter as even more people came trickling in. The room rocked with laughter and music and “...do-si-do yer partner!”

I left with the family at nine-thirty and Rick Liesenfeld drove around the corner to the ice-cream parlor. “Really, I can pay for myself!” I tried to insist, but Rick Liesenfeld was quietly stubborn and would not even look at my money. His gruff face softened under his broad-brimmed hat, and he smiled.

“It’s our treat,” said Cathy, in her soft, sweet voice. “We’re so glad you came to stay with us.”

Back at home, on a futon in their living room, I pressed my face against the glass window and looked up at the stars. They shimmered brightly in the huge Wyoming sky. I am so lucky! I thought. And I really can't believe that I rode 86 miles today and then went square dancing! I didn't used to be like this.

Twenty Nine – The Grand Tetons

The next day, late in the afternoon, I crossed the continental divide for approximately the sixth time on the trip. (The Divide is the “backbone” of North America, that separates westward-flowing streams from eastward-flowing waters.) I rode past a sign that announced, “Togwotee Pass, 9,658 feet,” and felt suddenly close to the national parks ahead. The road rolled down and up gently for the next seven miles, and after each rise I looked in vain for my first sight of the Tetons. I was pedaling through flower-strewn meadows, mountains on one side and forest on the other. The sun went in and out of the clouds, and it was cold when it disappeared.

Finally, I rode up one last ridge, pine trees standing like sentries at the roadside. The sun came out as I emerged from the trees, and I practically fell off my bike. Only 50 miles away, the Grand Teton mountain range rose abruptly out of Jackson Hole, enormous, delicate spires silhouetted against the sky. I had never seen anything like that view outside of a picture.

The cyclists-only campsite, where Charles and I spent the night, overlooked the mountains; it was a joint project of the Adventure Cycling Association and the National Forest Service, with pit toilets, bear-boxes, picnic tables and no water. The lack of water, however, was more than made up for by that view. As I lay in my tent, writing in my journal, I could see ten feet out my door to the edge of a cliff. The ground dropped away after that, and away across the valley were the mountains, rising straight up out of the valley, waiting. The air was cool, and drops of rain were pattering on my tent. Calmness pervaded my soul.

And then I told Charles that tomorrow I wanted to go on by myself. I wouldn't really be alone, anyway—National Parks always seemed like safe and friendly places, and I would never be far from lots of people. Also, if I was traveling with someone in Yellowstone and Grand Teton, I needed to be able to share the experience in ways I could not do with Charles. Riding with him had been good for what it was—company when the landscape seemed large enough to swallow a solo cyclist up forever—but we hadn't gotten to know each other the way the Turtle Squad had. On one of the first days we'd ridden together, Charles alluded to his experiences in Vietnam. “I’ve never been the same since,” he said, in a rare moment of openness. “I’m closed now. Nothing can get to me.” That was about the only time we had talked about anything other than road conditions, weather, bicycles, and food.

≈

We said goodbye early the next morning. Neither of us knew what to say. “Well... Goodbye!” Charles finally said.

“Goodbye,” I returned. “Have a good trip.” That was it. There was a crunch of gravel, and Charles pulled out onto the road and zipped quietly down the hill. And I was alone.

I savored the morning. The rain had continued on and off all night, but by eight the mist was rising, the drizzle had subsided, and I was ready to ride. I was packing when I looked over my shoulder and caught my breath. A rainbow! It hung suspended over the now-visible Tetons, brightly glowing in the enshrouding mist. The band of colors grew brighter as I looked, and now the bottom of the rainbow reached the tops of the mountains. It stretched longer and higher and brighter like an ethereal, otherworldly painting on the canvas of the gray sky. When it had reached its climax, the rainbow faded slowly into the mist to made way for the sun poking through the clouds.

Then I zipped down the mountain into the cold, gray morning, and into Jackson Hole. Everything was quiet. Hardly any cars passed me, and I listened to the silence. Alone felt good.

≈

"Welcome to Grand Teton National Park!" The ranger smiled, and handed me a little receipt.

"Thanks!" I said, smiling back. "I can't believe I rode my bike here!"

The Tetons are different from many other mountain ranges because they have no foothills. Grand Teton rises straight up to 13,770 feet, more than a mile above the valley floor. The other eleven peaks are also more than 12,000 feet, and about a dozen mountain glaciers “live” in the mountain range. All morning, I meandered across the flat valley, reading geological and historical wayside markers and stopping every few minutes to gape at the view.

≈

Back in Pueblo, I'd sent ahead a food package to myself, c/o General Delivery, Jackson, Wyoming. I hadn’t realized back then that Jackson was so far off the route—and that the town would be full of tourists and extremely noisy. I stayed at The Bunkhouse Hostel, which was in the basement of a hotel downtown. The hostel had one living room and one enormous, windowless, co-ed dorm room, in which some guests appeared to live permanently.

I was unpacking when a man came in behind me. “Whoa!” he said. “…I turn around and there’s a gorgeous woman just standing there! Where’d you come from, baby?”

“None of your business,” I said, unable to think of a snappy comeback, and I turned around coldly. If voices could freeze things, he would have been a standing ice cube.

“Fuck, you try to give someone a compliment and she bites your head off!”

I didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening in the basement after that, so I got tickets at the local theatre. “Annie Get Your Gun” wouldn't have been my first choice under normal circumstances, but tonight it was the only choice. So I settled into the plush seats of the theater and enjoyed my night on the town.

There were no more incidents in the hostel that night, and I was glad to be there, sleazy as it was, as a terrific storm raged outside.

≈

The next morning, I rode back to Jenny Lake campground in Grand Teton National Park, and the serenity was a relief after the chaos of Jackson. By twilight, three other cyclists had pulled into the hiker/biker area.

Jerry, fiftyish, was riding from Kalispell, Montana, to Salt Lake City, Utah. “You know, we’ve heard about you,” he said, after I told him my name. “We met some Dutch guy, a friend of yours, and he told us about these three people he rode with—one of 'em being you.”

“Roel!” I exclaimed. “Yeah, I rode with him through Missouri—gosh, that seems like a long time ago… Where are you three headed?”

“I take a bike trip each summer,” Jerry explained, “and I always get friends to come with me. Al here is my uncle; he’s 71 years old this trip, and he usually comes at least a couple hundred miles with me every summer. We’ve been riding together for years now. He joined me in Missoula, and he’s flying out of Jackson in two days. Greg drove up here, left his car in Jackson, and met us in Madison Junction in Yellowstone—it was a shlep, let me tell you, but worth the planning. Greg’s my son, by the way. He’s also flying home in two days. Then, two friends of mine are flying into Jackson and they'll ride the rest of the way with me.”

“It’s nice that you get so many people to ride with you,” I said. "You're so organized!" We were seated around the picnic table, and Jerry was making supper while Greg and Al set up the tents.

“Yes, it really is nice to be with friends. I like traveling like this, and it's been especially fun with Greg these last two weeks. And for a 71-year-old, Al really does well.”

“I'll say.” I looked over at Al, a gray-haired but sprightly man, hammering in a tent stake. “I can’t even imagine my grandparents doing anything like this.”

At that moment, Al straightened up. “Oy vay, my back,” he moaned. “I think that's enough of that!” He walked over to the picnic table and sat down.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Oh yeah,” he said, “my back acts up now and then. Jerry here, he tells me not to do stuff like put up the tent, but I do it anyway.”

“He doesn’t listen to me,” said Jerry.

“That’s right, I don’t listen to him. If I want to hammer in a tent stake, I’m going to hammer in a tent stake.” Uncle and nephew surveyed one another lovingly.

“Hey, Sarabeth!” Jerry exclaimed. “I just remembered another time we heard about you. We met this couple—Lili and Jack—maybe a week ago, and they told us about a vegetarian seventeen-year-old riding to summer camp!”

“Really!” I laughed at my new and unique title.

“They were nice people, too—we chatted for a while. And then Lili said something to Al about having a cousin in Chicago, and we sort of laughed when Al asked his name—the population of Chicago not being exactly small. Lili said ‘Fabian Necheles.’ And do you know, Uncle Al and Fabian are old friends and live a block apart!”

“Hey dad, where’s the water jug?” Greg had finished the tents and came over to the table. “Oh, hello!” he said, spotting me. “I’m Greg, in case Dad didn’t introduce me.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said, shaking his hand. “I’m Sarabeth.” Greg was 20, big and smiling, with a long reddish-brown beard. He was an astrophysics student at a university in Utah.

“The water jug's in the car, Greg,” said his father. “Dinner’s gonna be ready soon, so hurry up! Also, it’s supposed to rain, so we need to get everything packed up.”

“The car?” I asked.

“Yes—don't tell the rangers! I know you're not supposed to have a car when you're camping here. But see, two weeks ago, Greg left his car in Jackson when he flew in. He hitch-hiked into town this afternoon to pick it up. And it sure is nice, having all the luxuries of car-camping at our fingertips!”

We sat and talked around the picnic table until it was too dark to see anything.

≈

On a sunny afternoon at Jenny Lake, as I relaxed in the shadow of the mountains, I heard a voice behind me.

“Hello!” It was a cheerful voice, but it surprised me because I hadn’t seen anyone a second before. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought that the speaker was an elf, and had materialized out of the trees. But elves don’t have backpacks, I said to myself as I rounded a clump of pines. And, they aren’t usually bald.

“Hello!” I returned. A small, jaunty man was sitting on a bear-box next to his pack.

Each of us stared at the other, and said practically simultaneously, “Gosh, you’re carrying a lot of stuff!” We both laughed.

“I think you’re carrying more on that bike than I'm carrying in this backpack,” said the man, squinting into the sun at my bike. He pulled out a baseball cap from one of the many pockets in his backpack, and put it on. “Although, it has felt heavy for the last few days.”

“Are you on a long trip?”

“Oh no. I wish I was. I get a week’s vacation, and for years it’s been my dream to come and hike here. I work in Chicago, and I flew into Jackson last week. And actually, I’m flying out this afternoon at two—I’m trying not to remember that, though. You know how sometimes you think, 'If only I could forget about something, it won't happen'? Right now, I'm trying to forget about going home. I don’t wanna go back to Chicago today!” He grinned like a little boy. “Where're you headed?”

“I’m riding my bike across the country,” I said. “Today, I rode from Jackson.”

“Wow!” The man leaned forward on the bear-box. “You’re riding your bike across the country?? That’s just incredible.” He stared at me with a funny half-smile, half open-mouthed gape. “I’ve heard of trips like that—people like that—but wow! You’re really doing it!” He looked at my bike again. “Can I shake your hand?” he asked seriously.

“Sure!” We shook hands just as seriously, before we burst out laughing.

“Now,” he said, “do you mind if I ask how you get so much time off from work—or school—or whatever you do?” I explained that I didn’t go to school and that my work had been of the odd-jobs sort for the last few years. He didn’t push for details.

“…And so,” I finished, “now’s the time in my life when I have the freedom to go, so I decided to do it.”

“You know, you should write about this.” He was intense now, still smiling but in a different way. “You’ve gotta be one of those people who changes the world. God, you should see how people think back in Chicago! I took just this one week off to go backpacking, and people couldn’t deal with it. ‘But it’s dangerous.’ ‘But, you could get hurt.’ Someone actually said, ‘But why?’ How do I answer that one? You only know why if you’ve been in the woods and smelled the trees and felt the life out there. Not everyone has—and that’s what's messed up. This week I realized how important it is to be alone, outside. When I flew in last week, I was burnt out and tired—today, I feel like I'm high on nature or something. After a while, out in the World, you don't even realize how it gets to you. People don't know how it affects them to be locked in an office all day.”

“I think they feel guilty, too,” I said.

“How do you mean?” He was really listening, the funny smile on his lips and his chin propped on his hand. The pine trees whispered gently above us, and somewhere above them Teewinot Mountain loomed 12,325 feet in the air.

“I don't think most people follow their dreams, or do what’s really good for them. There's like an unwritten law that everyone has to get a Good Job, and money gets to be like this God. I mean, some people get angry at me—really upset—when they find out about my trip. They act like I don’t deserve it or something, or haven’t suffered in the Real World for long enough. Sometimes the comments do make me wonder, too. 'Gosh,' I think, 'I really haven’t suffered in my life—why should I get to do this?'

"But then I think, 'That's totally convoluted. Life is meant to be enjoyed!' I mean, we only get one chance. Why should anyone feel guilty about having fun? I don't think I'm hurting anyone by riding my bike."

We were both sitting opposite each other on bear boxes now, and for a few minutes we were silent, thinking.

“I wanna change how I think about things when I get back to Chicago,” the man said presently. “I don’t want to get on that airplane and start worrying about deadlines again, not taking time to breathe and admire things. I lose my sense of wonder back at home. God! Imagine if everyone in the country went out for a week of backpacking—or biking—even once a year. Imagine if people got to experience nature, really feel it, not just see it on television or in books. It would change our collective mindset, really and truly it would. I wish I could get some of my colleagues out here, give them a back pack for a week and see what happened...” He trailed off.

“You are so lucky to be doing this.” He was intense again, in my face. “You are so lucky to have that inside you already, your appreciation for things. You’ve got so much that I wish I had, and still don't have... By the way—” he looked at me, “how old are you, anyway?”

“Seventeen.”

“Seventeen!” He slapped his leg, laughing uproariously. “Are you kidding me?” He stopped laughing. “You are seventeen, aren’t you. That’s incredible. When you said you weren’t in school or at work I figured you were taking a year off from college or something. But wait a sec—if you’re seventeen, how'd you get out of high school?”

I told him that I didn't go to school.

“Whoa!" he said. "That's pretty amazing. You never went to school…" He stopped for a minute, trying to wrap his head around it. "Well, if I knew my kids would turn out like you, I’d homeschool 'em too—if I ever have any. I’ve never heard of homeschoolers besides those crazy fundamentalists. You're not like that, are you? Actually, don't answer that—I know you aren't, and I don't want to know if you are. You must have incredible parents.”

“I do.”

We'd been talking for an hour when the man suddenly looked at his watch. “Oops! I almost made my wish come true about forgetting my plane. I have this feeling though, that even if I forget it, it'll still fly away without me and I'll regret it later. Or maybe I wouldn’t.” He smiled quizzically. “By the way—my name's Clif.”

I smiled. “I’m Sarabeth.”

“Well, Sarabeth, it’s nice to meet you.” We shook hands formally. “Here’s my card, Sarabeth—write to me after your trip, tell me how it goes, what you’ve learned.”

“Okay—and here’s my address, too.” I scribbled it on a piece of paper. “Have a good flight home!”

“Well yeah, I’ll try. I doubt I can, but I’ll try. Goodbye!”

“Goodbye!” I blinked, and he was gone. If I hadn’t known better, I would've sworn that he disappeared into the trees the same way he had appeared to materialize out of them before.

≈

Serendipitous encounters with people like Clif excluded games and pretenses. During the five months of my journey, I met people—by the side of the road, in campgrounds, in a food co-op—and knew that I'd probably never see them again after we said goodbye. We knew that Now was the only chance to connect, and that bluffing or hiding the parts of ourselves that made us Sarabeth or Clif or Roel was out of the question. You can't be intimate with someone when you're trying to hold a façade on your shoulders.

It was those chance encounters, when I was plunged into a new experience and I didn't even realize it until I was elbow deep, that caused the whole trip to make sense. It was those times when I realized that I was learning not only tangible things like camping skills and handling my finances, but something more—like I was comprehending something tremendous. Like I had a glimpse of understanding the sheer awesome-ness of being alive.

Thirty – Yellowstone National Park

The roads in Yellowstone are horrendous. The Park Service was beginning to make improvements in 1997, but when I rode through, the roads were the same ones that had been built 50+ years ago: narrow, steep two-laners, shoulderless and full of potholes. I limited my by-bike sight-seeing to one day.

On July 13, I stayed at Grant Village campground for one night. Next day, I got up at six a.m., hoping to ride to the West Thumb geyser basin before other tourists began flooding the park with their automobile traffic. But Yellowstone is notorious for its erratic weather, and today there was a cold snap; frost covered the inside of my tent fly. I didn’t leave till after seven, and even then, I was bundled into all of my clothes.

It was a glorious morning, though, and not only did the steam of my breath hang in the air as I rode, so did the steam from various mud pots and steam vents by the roadside. It was surreal to ride around a bend and see a simmering, churning little pot of mud not ten feet from my bike.

The West Thumb basin was deserted and enshrouded completely in mist and sulfurous steam when I rode in at 7:30. I wandered around in amazement, passing in and out of clouds of steam as I examined each “exhibit” in nature’s art show. CLA-CLUNK went the cleats of my shoes on the boardwalk; besides that, there were no sounds but the birds.

≈

When I was nine, my family spent several weeks in Yellowstone, and one of my favorite spots was Morning Glory Pool, near Old Faithful. The shape of the pool does resemble a morning glory flower—wide around the edges, narrowing gradually into a graceful flute shape with a narrow “tube” that goes thousands of feet down into the ground. But when I arrived at the Pool today, my seventeen-year-old self noticed things that my nine-year-old self had not

In each geothermal pool, different bacteria grow depending upon the water temperature. In the cooler water, brownish-reds predominate, and there is a range of other colors that grow in middle-temperature water. In the really hot water, however, grows a blue that is pure, bright turquoise. Few pools are both hot and still enough for the blue bacteria to grow, and Morning Glory is currently one of those rare places.

Today, though, as I stood on the boardwalk, I could see the marks humans have made on the beautiful pool. At the end of each year, a display plaque said, park officials use a specially designed vacuum to pull out all the debris that people throw down. Each year, they pull out more than three hundred pounds of junk: sneakers, sticks and stones, coins, shirts, toys, etc. etc. All the garbage is literally clogging up the delicate plumbing of the pool. The water is getting cooler, and the blue bacteria are dying. If people continue to throw things into it, the pool will irrevocably change color to muddy brown like most of the others.

I got to Madison campground on Monday, July 14, and decided not to venture back onto Yellowstone's crazy roads until I left the park. The rest of my exploration of Yellowstone would have to be local and on foot.

A cyclist from Utah, who looked about 35, shared the hiker/biker campsite with me that night. He was riding a mountain bike with knobby tires, chain-smoked cigarettes, and wore jeans instead of bike shorts. He slept in a $30 K-Mart tent, and wondered why it leaked when it rained.

“I’m havin’ the time of my life, though!” he told me, puffing on his cigarette. “I jis’ took six months off from work, and I’m gonna ride around on me bike for the rest of the summer. I hain’t took a vacation the whole time I been workin’ at my job, and I figured now’s the time. This is the life—all I gotta worry about is where I’m gonna sleep, and hell, that ain’t been a problem! I’m seein’ this country all right, seein’ it like I never done before.” He took a long drag on the cigarette, then looked at me. “Now missy, you're lookin' at me funny, like I'm crazy to be smokin’.”

“Well, kind of,” I said, “I do think smoking is pretty silly, especially when you're riding a bike!”

“...but don’t you say nothin’ 'bout it, hear? It’s what I likes to do, and if it shortens me life some, well then that’s okay—I’d rather enjoy life while it’s happenin’ since we’ll all die someday for some reason—that’s my philosophy. Ever smoked?” No, I said, I hadn’t. “Well, then you’re jus’ missin’ out. I know it’s a bad habit and everythin’, but hell, it’s worth it!” He extinguished his butt with a vigorous stomp of his sneakered foot.

“Okay,” I said, “I won’t talk about it as long as you stay downwind of me.”

“Agreed,” he said. We talked as we made our respective dinners, and he sat downwind. A half-hour later, he started off for the spigot to fill up his pot.

"You need any water?"

“Well, yeah,” I said. “Well actually, no, thanks... Or, maybe, could you just fill up these two bottles? Thanks!”

He took the bottles. “Aw gee…can’t make up your mind. Ain't that just like a woman!”

“Well gosh," I said stiffly, "I’m sorry! I was just trying to think of whether I needed any. Next time I’ll get it myself.”

“It was only a joke Missy! My goodness don’t get huffy. I’m just gonna go get the water.”

“Missy” indeed!

≈

Another character was camped in the hiker/biker site when I came back from the ranger program on Monday night. It was quite dark in the shadows, but moonlight streamed through the trees and I saw a person sitting on one of the bear-boxes near my tent.

“Hello,” I said.

“Oh!” The person jumped, and I saw a man in his early twenties, with dark curly hair. I couldn’t make out his face. “Oh, hi. Are you the other person camping here? I met the guy in there—” he motioned towards the K-Mart tent, “who's pretty crazy. Did you meet him? I’m Troy.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said, “I’m Sarabeth. Are you riding the TransAm?”

“Well, yes and no. I started out in Virginia and wanted to do it the whole way, but I completely miscalculated the money part. I’m in college right now, in Rochester. And I’m, like, totally broke. I planned to spend like $10.00 a day, but I figured out quick that that wouldn’t work and I was gonna be out of money way before Oregon. Also, I hated the south—all those horrible dogs—and so I hitchhiked through Kentucky. And after I got on my bike again, the Ozarks nearly killed me. After that, I thought, Why do I even want to keep going? Kansas bored the hell out of me, and I said ‘Fuck it.’ I hitchhiked to like the middle of Colorado, and now it’s just gorgeous. I wanna keep goin’, but I’m gonna run out of money like any day now.”

We were both seated on the bear-boxes now. Troy seemed to want to talk, and I kept quiet. “I’m meeting my dad in West Yellowstone tomorrow to do some sight-seeing,” he continued, “and I’m hopin' that he’ll, like, help me out. I really wanna finish this trip now, more than anything. I need to do it to focus myself. I mean, here I’m in college, it’s my third year, and I’ve got, like, no idea what I want to do with my life! I thought I knew, but I really don’t—an' I feel so weird 'cause everyone else does! And then just before I left, my girlfriend broke up with me. I have no idea why—she didn’t even tell me. She just said one day, ‘We’re over; you know why,’ and left! I mean, get that! The girl dumps me and won’t even give me a clue about what’s wrong. It’s just unfair. I don’t understand women at all. This is, like, the second time it’s happened, too, and it’s making me mad. It’s not like I’m worse than all the other guys out there, you know? Why me? So anyway, I can't go home now—I'd have no money, no girlfriend, no idea about what I’m doing with my life...”

Troy talked for forty-five minutes.

Sometimes it’s amazing what people will tell you if you listen, I thought to myself as I crawled into my sleeping bag. The pine trees swayed gently in the breeze overhead, and then I was asleep.

≈

During my leisurely stay in Yellowstone, it seemed like most of the visitors were trying to “Do Yellowstone” in as short a time as possible. Three-quarters of the people I saw looked hurried and harried and stressed, while they rushed to see something else so quickly that they didn't see the beauty that was right in front of them. They ran to sit in rows on the boardwalk around Old Faithful, ran to the nearby McDonalds for lunch, raced around to see another geyser basin and Do some wildlife, headed back to their RV for some television before bed, performed the same rushed schedule the next day, and then they left.

I hated how unhappy and desperate some people looked. It was as if these were their two days or a week to take a break from the daily grind, and they wanted this vacation to Fix It All. They wanted to relax, be pampered, see neat things, and magically feel better. But it doesn’t work that way, I thought. Relaxation doesn't work unless you slow down.

I counteracted the hasty activity around me by not doing much. At 5:30 on Wednesday morning I left my tent and walked slowly down to the meandering Madison River. At not-yet-dawn it was very chilly, but I was headed for the warm spring that was nestled in a curve of the river. There are only three geothermal features in the park in which you are allowed to soak. Most of the other springs are way too hot, and there's also a rule that you cannot go into a pool or spring unless it’s within a certain distance of a fresh water source and contains a certain percentage of that water. The tiny warm spring on the banks of Madison River fulfilled those requirements.

No one stirred in the campground, and I followed the river down to the small pool. I stripped off my clothes as quickly as I could, and jumped into the bubbling water. It steamed gently around me as the sun began to rise, lighting up the clouds in the east. Then the light made its way over National Park Mountain, and all of a sudden yellow-gold rays radiated across the sky. It was as if this were the first sunrise ever, as if I had never seen the mountain before. Why should I go anywhere else, I wondered, when it's so beautiful right here? National Park Mountain seemed like the prettiest one I’d seen in Yellowstone. But then again, it was the first one I'd really taken the time to see. I left the pool after the sun had risen and changed the ethereal dawn into a regular sunny day.

I spent the rest of the morning in the ranger station, looking at books and talking with Eileen, a new ranger. I asked her what it was like to work for the park service. Eileen looked about 25, with long brown hair and smiling eyes. While she told me about her job she rested her elbows on the counter and laughed a lot.

“…Well, on the one hand,” she said, “you've gotta deal with tourists who ask you things like, ‘Are there any real bathrooms here?’ Lots of visitors don’t like the pit toilets, and so they come in here to complain to me. It’s also hard when people come in and say, ‘I have two hours in the Park—what should I do?’

" 'Really, you shouldn’t even bother,' I want to tell them, because it’s impossible to do much at all in two hours. ‘Just stay and watch the mountain!’ I want to say. People don’t realize this is a National Park that's nearly the size of the state of Connecticut.”

As if to illustrate Eileen’s point, a woman came rushing into the ranger station just then. “Hi,” she said. “I’m gonna be in the park for the rest of today, and I wanna know your opinion: should we only Do Mammoth and Canyon, or can we also Do the Norris Geyser Basin? I’m gonna be leaving in the evening from the opposite end of the park.” She stood at the counter after delivering her questions, both comical and sad as she fiddled impatiently with her leather pocket book.

Eileen looked at her. “Well, I’d say you might want to just focus on one place if you only have the afternoon. It takes a long time to drive from Mammoth to Canyon...”

“Yes, yes,” said the woman, “but I want to know about Norris. I was thinking we might have time to squeeze that in, because we’ve heard it’s beautiful.” She drummed her fingers on the counter.

“Yeah, of course it's beautiful! But it’s all beautiful. It really depends on how much time you want to spend at each place and–”

“Okay,” the woman decided. “I think we’ll do it. Norris can fit right in after Canyon. Thanks!” She was already out the door.

“So you see,” said Eileen. “That’s the hard part… But gosh, I still can’t believe I get to work here and get to live in this amazingly beautiful place. There are only a few months when it’s overrun with tourists like her, and generally you get to meet the neatest people. Spring and fall are just lovely.”

As Eileen’s shift was ending, she asked, “I was wondering—do you like to go hiking?” She hung her canvas hat on its hook.

“Yeah!”

“Well, tomorrow I’m going for a hike with some of the other rangers who have the day off, and I’m sure they'd love it if you came. Would you want to?”

“Oh yes!” I said. “Definitely.”

“We’re going to the National Forest outside the park—it’s gorgeous, and it won’t be crowded at all. How about—how about I’ll come by your campsite tonight, and if you’re not there, I’ll leave a note on your tent and let you know what time we’re gonna pick you up?”

“That's fine—I don’t have prior engagements!”

≈

"Sorry we're late," Eileen said breathlessly, when she came by at 8:40 the next day. "It's been a disorganized morning. Okay: everybody, this is Sarabeth. Sarabeth, this is Pete—" she pointed to large man in the front seat.

"Hey, I've already met you!" I said. "Didn't you do that campfire program on Aquatic Life the other night?"

"Oh yeah…I think I remember seeing you."

"Okay, so you two know each other. Now, this is Sally in the middle in the front—she's a ranger at Old Faithful. All the rest of us work here at Madison. " Sally smiled at me, a small woman with curly black hair. "Oh, wait: Natalie here doesn't work at Madison either—she's a ranger at Norris. And this is Jon—he's on law enforcement and is at Madison."

"Hi," Jon said.

"Okay, so now you know everybody. Except For Jon, we're all rangers, but Pete and Sally are like 'senior' rangers and Natalie and I are still a step above interns. Your level depends on how long you've been here.”

“Senior rangers get to wear cool hats,” said Natalie.

“And senior rangers like Sally can work in the winter,” Eileen added.

"Hey Eileen, you forgot one introduction!" said Sally, as I settled into the back seat.

"I did? Who? Oh, that's right! This—" she patted the dashboard of the car "—is my car, The Rocket. It actually isn't one at all, but we drive it a lot and we figured it would run better if it had a spiffy name."

"It actually doesn't, though," said Sally. "We just pretend it's fast."

"Although of course," Jon remarked, "you would never go above the posted park speed limit of 40 miles-per-hour, anyway."

"Of course not…" Natalie was laughing. "At least, not with Jon in the car."

"What kinds of problems do you deal with—as a police officer, I mean?” I asked Jon as The Rocket chugged, un-rocket-like, toward West Yellowstone.

"To be honest, it's completely boring stuff. Mostly I give speeding tickets. In training, they taught us to tell how fast a car's moving just by looking at it. Like, that red van coming at us is doing between thirty-seven and forty. That green station wagon is going a little faster… But anyway, I'm off duty!"

"On our days off, we try to take the day off," Eileen said. "It's not easy, since we work and live here—and we don't have much time for grocery shopping and cleaning and stuff during the week. I mean, we all love working in Yellowstone, but gosh—I can't even remember the last time I've been out of this park! There isn't much to do once you get past West, unless you drive for hours and hours—and by that time your day off is over and all you've done is drive. So we watch videos, or sometimes go to the movie theatre in West that shows movies that are years old."

Now we were driving through some severely burned areas of the park, where the fire of 1988 hit hard. For years, everyone had thought that fire was unilaterally bad—and every blaze had been suppressed. But the ecosystem had gotten unbalanced without fire, and by the spring of '88, there was so much accumulated dry matter that the only thing wanting was a stray cigarette butt or a random lightning strike. By midsummer, small fires had united to form huge raging blazes and nearly 1/3 of the park was burned to some degree. Now, nine years later, the cycle was coming back into balance—with so much sunlight, the flowers and ground-level plants could grow lush where once there were dense woods; and of course, there were millions of baby trees that would soon grow into a new forest.

"People didn't—and still don't—understand the fire," said Natalie.

“ 'Looks like a bomb came through,' ” mimicked Sally. “That’s, like, a standard comment from visitors," she explained to me. "All the rangers get it when they work in the burnt areas. Yesterday I was in the visitor center, and man oh man—so many people kept asking about the fire! Folks get really upset, even though it happened ten years ago. And then some people haven't heard about it, and they'll ask if the trees 'just grow like that.' One day, this man came stomping in and started totally yelling at me, like it was my fault the fire happened. 'I just can't believe what this place looks like!' he stormed. 'I never would've come if I'd known, and I'm leaving right now and getting my wife and children away from this awful sight!' Seriously, he was so angry that I thought he might be dangerous or something!"

"So!" Eileen said. “Let’s gossip about something besides visitors. We're really terrible! Okay, Sarabeth—we're now approaching the town of West Yellowstone, otherwise known as West. It’s where tourists stay if they want a hotel that’s cheaper than the ones in the park. And it's also a big jumping-off point for snowmobilers in the winter."

"West's newest attraction is an IMAX theatre," Sally said. "It's such a big joke! The theatre has these films about the geysers and the wildlife—and they say it's Like Being There In Person. Isn't that just totally bizarre? Here folks are, two miles outside one of the coolest national parks in the world, and they go see Old Faithful erupt on a movie screen."

"Here we go again," said Eileen. "Please forgive our conversation this morning, Sarabeth. It’s been a hard week all around. We aren't always so down on tourists!" The others laughed.

"Yeah, it's ‘cause it's only the middle of the Mad Rush to Yellowstone, and we know that there's going to be another month of this." Natalie moaned comically.

"Anyway: we need to go to the store—I told you we were disorganized—and get some food for lunch. Also, wait—somebody needed to go to the post office, right…?"

At 9:30, we piled back into the car again.

"Wow—so now we're in Montana!" I said, as we drove out of town on a wide highway that stretched on for miles.

"Yup—and here's an interesting thing: take a look at the sign." Jon pointed out the window. "No speeding tickets here!" The speed-limit sign was as big as a billboard, and read: "SPEED LIMIT: Reasonable and prudent."

"No way—that's not the speed limit, is it?" I said.

"Oh, it most certainly is," said Eileen.

"Gosh," Pete teased, "I sure wouldn't want to ride a bike on these roads…"

"Oh stop it!" Eileen said. "It shouldn't be that bad. Look: there's nice, wide shoulders, too."

As she spoke, we turned onto a smaller highway, and then onto a Gallatin National Forest access road. It was dirt, and we followed it into the woods for several miles before turning onto another, even bumpier road. We were surrounded by forest. After a mile and a half, we arrived at what looked like a trailhead, and piled out of the car.

"Oh my goodness," said Natalie, the first one out, "we're gonna need bug repellent today." For a few minutes, there was no talking, just intense concentration as we applied bug dope as rapidly as possible. I could almost hear the mosquitoes' stomachs rumbling.

"Alright already—it's almost ten-thirty; let's hit the road!" said Eileen. "I can't believe it took us this long!"

"I don't mind," said Sally. "The good part of starting so late is that we get to have lunch soon."

"I agree," said Pete, and our troop began walking.

We didn't see another person all day. We hiked five miles up and then retraced our steps to come down, and those ten miles—plus the couple thousand feet we gained in elevation— contained an amazing variety of life. We passed flowers, trees, green meadows, tiny picas that scurried like mice. We walked along the slippery banks of a stream, waterfalls cascading over mossy rocks. Enormous red-rock outcroppings towered on either side.

"I guess that's why it's called 'Red Canyon Trail,' Sally said. "This is gorgeous. Wow, even the creek looks red!"

“I bet these rock formations were caused by the 'Quake of '59," said Jon (I learned that the Hebgen Lake Earthquake measured 7.5 on the Richter scale, and that twenty-eight people died because of it. Also, the north shore of Hebgen Lake dropped 19 feet, causing lakeside cabins to fall into the water, and huge waves to slosh over the Hebgen Dam.)

"What would happen," Pete asked, "hypothetically, I mean, if one of those rocks fell on us?"

"Take one guess!" said Sally. We all sped up our hiking pace a little, and the clouds of mosquitoes moved more quickly too.

"Geez, if you didn't use DEET today, you'd probably require a blood transfusion after the hike!" said Natalie.

Each of my companions were keenly aware of the natural world. "Look at that flower!" one of them would say, and there would ensue a discussion of which species it was and when it blossomed and the habitat in which it grew. I was getting a private, ranger-led hike.

≈

After the hike, Eileen invited us all back for dinner at her place. "So this is home," she said. The Rocket rumbled to a standstill in a small neighborhood of mobile homes in a clearing in the woods. "The rangers and maintenance people at Madison live here." She led us into the trailer she shared with three other women "What do we have in this fridge, Sally?" asked Eileen. "It's so complicated to figure out food here," she added to me. "We're always either gone all the time and run out of sandwich stuff, or we're here a lot and we don't have any vegetables. But oh well—I guess we'll have pasta…"

"Well, hello everybody!" Eileen's roommate Haley was standing in the doorway. "Are you making dinner, Eileen? And are you all staying?"

"Yeah, they are—sorry I didn't ask, but it kind of turned into a party here…" Eileen's face appeared from within the refrigerator. "Ah-hah! There are salad ingredients. Are you gonna be around tonight, Haley?"

"No, very unfortunately…” Haley leaned against the wall, and removed her stiff black shoes. "God, today was long. And tonight I have to go work The Barricade, oh joy of all joys. There is nothing I would rather do less tonight. All I do is stand there smiling and saying, 'Sorry, I guess you didn't see all the millions of signs plastered all over, but the road is closed until tomorrow morning. The only other way to get to Old Faithful is to go a hundred miles extra around the detour…' "

"We've been dealing with The Barricade on Law Enforcement, too," said Jon. To me he said, "You must have passed some of the road construction on your way in."

I grimaced. "Yeah—and because of it, every time a car came by it covered me with mud!"

"I know, it's an inconvenience, but it's temporary and really necessary. You should've seen the road before they started tearing it up. It was so bumpy and narrow that it couldn't even be called a road. Anyway, like Haley said, we've got signs all over the park apologizing for the delays. It had to be done sometime, and they're working as fast as they can. And one thing that helps is that we close the road completely from 9:30 at night until 6:00 in the morning so the crews can work. But have people ever gone ballistic! I had a suicide threat the other night.

“This guy came up to The Barricade and insisted that we should let him through. 'I'm sorry,' I said, 'but we can't. The machines are already working and the road's closed.' I tried to be polite, and tried to believe that he hadn't seen the signs. Well, this guy went crazy.

“ 'You've gotta let me in!' he was yelling, 'my wife and I paid to come here, and we have a right to use these roads!'

“ 'Sir,' I said, “there are signs everywhere saying that the construction area closes at night.' And that's when this guy threatened suicide."

"He did not!" said Sally.

"Yes he did," Jon said. "He leans out of his window and says, 'I'm gonna shoot myself if you don't let me through! I’ve got a gun right in the back seat.' Seriously. I thought I'd heard him wrong, but he said it again. That's when one of my senior officers came up, so I didn't have to deal with the rest.

"Did he do it?" asked Pete. “Shoot himself, I mean.”

"Nah, I don't even think he had a gun. And he didn't come through the blockade, that's for sure."

"Yeah, well at least you're male!" said Haley. "Two days ago, some guy told me that he didn't have to listen to me because I was just a woman. 'You bet you have to listen to me, buster,' was what I wanted to say. Of course I had to be polite, though, and eventually it got resolved. That man, however," Haley added with a glint in her eye, “did not deserve politeness!”

I ended up sleeping on Eileen's sofa bed after we ate dinner and watched two videos down at the rec hall. Gosh, I thought, before I drifted off, this is not how I expected to experience Yellowstone National Park.

≈

Almost three months after I visited Sterling Mountain Community, I still often thought of my afternoon with Lila Williams, the 85-year-old weaver who had shared her artwork and her stories and inspired me with her happiness. When I left Lila's house late on that chilly April day, I'd told her that I was honored to have met her. What had she said? Something like, You will meet many amazing people when you open your heart.

Thirty One – Letters

Mom

July 9, 1997

Dear Sara,

This summer Matthew is philosophically opposed to swatting flies and we have had several incidents of him yelling at Jake that he is a murderer. It all makes for a lot of laughing if I can only step back from the whole situation.

I just love your web page. I read it and cried, especially the part about you being a joyful girl. How did that ever happen? I really do see a book in this adventure, and that is not only motherly pride. Daddy says it's been done, but I reminded him that you are probably one of the youngest people to do this alone. It's so amazing that you are doing this. It motivates us all. When Matt got tired on a long motorcycle ride with Dad from New Jersey to New York, he thought of you riding your bicycle and didn't complain. And when I force myself to swim an extra lap in the mornings I am thinking of you…

The other night at Donna’s house I was telling Sahage about your emotional challenges along the way—how you handle the men and the dogs—and then I picked up on Terry in the corner of the room talking about bike mechanics with someone. I talk about your angst; Dad talks about your gear ratios… Anyway, I was blabbering on about you and I asked Sahage to forgive me, because "…when I talk about Sara it makes her seem real."

One thing I've earned, as a result of your bike ride, is the title “She-let-her-go.” I’ve lost track of how many people have commented on my/our ability to “let her go.” What choice did we have, anyway? You may be under the legal age of adulthood, but you are an adult. You behave like an adult. Now that you’re closer to Oregon, people are congratulating me for my faith in my child. This is nice of course, but I can’t help wondering what kind of comments I would receive if (God Forbid) something awful happens. The whole point of parenthood (I thought) was to raise a child to have the sense to make her own decisions. When you were four and we told people we were homeschooling they chided me for being overprotective. Then last spring when I told people about the trip they said, "You’re letting her do WHAT?"

…We love you and miss you and we all send kisses,

Love, Mom, Dad, Jake, April, Matt, Loren, and the cats.

Thirty Two – Jesse and Daniel

Right before I left in March, I'd gotten a call from Grace Llewellyn. Grace was the director of Not Back To School Camp, and she told me that two brothers from Montana had just registered for camp—and that they were also planning to ride their bicycles there.

“…They’re building recumbent bikes that sound really cool,” Grace said. "I thought you might want to give them a call.”

It turned out that Dan and Jesse Green lived not far off the TransAm Trail. They were interested in having another travel partner, and so a week before I left on my own journey, we made tentative plans to meet up and ride together in the middle of July. “I’ll call you sometime, maybe in June, to finalize things,” I told them. “By then I’ll have a better idea of when I’ll get to Montana…”

I'd called Jesse from Yellowstone, since I was riding nearer and nearer to Bozeman.

“Hey!” Jesse’s voice was still that of a stranger, but during the past few months I'd gotten to know him and Daniel a little by phone and letters. “Are we really gonna do this? I can’t believe it’s already the middle of July!

"Yeah, well, I can't believe I'm almost in Montana already!"

"Papa and I were hoping you'd be at our place by the weekend—do you think you could make it? If you got here tomorrow or the next day, then you could spend Shabbat with us on Friday. Daniel and I still need to do some work on our bikes, so if you wanted to stay in Bozeman for a week or so, that'd be cool.”

"Friday sounds fine," I'd said.

≈

And now I was with the Green family, who lived on the side of a mountain in a house they built themselves, ten miles outside of Bozeman. Ken and Kaya were the parents. The two younger kids, Sam and Rhea, 11 and 9, seemed nice although I hadn't gotten to know them yet. Then there were Jesse and Daniel, who would be my traveling companions for the final leg of my journey. Dan was 14, a happy-go-lucky guy with an incredibly big grin.

Jesse was not happy-go-lucky. He was my age, very intense, very intelligent, and just a little standoffish. He had designed and built the recumbents that he and Dan planned to ride, and he was interested in aspects of science and computers that I'd never even heard of.

The night I arrived, we had Shabbat dinner outside. Kaya was a wonderful cook, and went all-out for Friday night dinners—the picnic table literally creaked under the weight of all the food. After dinner, we walked up the mountain behind the Green’s house where you could look westward over the valley, all the way to the city. Montana wasn't called "The Big Sky State" for nothing. Past the city limits were more mountains, and the sky was wild above that with flaming red and purple and orange.

For a few days, all was well, and I enjoyed the chance to relax and enjoy the city of Bozeman.

≈

Four days into my visit, I started to worry that we were never going to leave. Neither Jesse and Dan or their parents had mentioned a date of departure; everyone had been alluding to “leaving,” but every time I said, “Well, when do you think we should go?” no one really answered me.

Ken would just repeat, “Those bikes have to be test-ridden 200 miles before I will allow them out of the driveway!”

The problem was, Jesse and Ken still had welding to do—and if we were going to have time for leisurely riding, we didn't have time for the guys to put two hundred miles on the bikes. It almost seemed like Ken was trying to make the welding take forever so he could keep his sons nearby for as long as possible. In the last few days he'd kept saying that he didn't have time to work on the bikes.

Kaya kept worrying aloud and saying, “How are you boys ever going to leave? You’re not nearly ready.” I happened to agree, since they didn't even have all their gear yet. So on Wednesday night I called a meeting.

Sitting cross-legged on the carpet in Daniel’s small room, we examined our maps and my guidebook. “Okay,” I began. “We haven’t really talked about a definite leaving date, and I’m feeling a little uh—well, uncomfortable with that. I don’t mind being here for a while longer, but like I've said, I want to get to Eugene on August fifteenth so we have some time to relax before camp. That's my main concern—I don’t want the next leg of the trip to be rushed. I think we need to decide how many rest days we want, and all that—and make sure that we’ll be in nice places on Saturdays since you guys don’t want to ride on Shabbat. So: what do you two think? What were your ideas about leaving?”

“Well, it’s about nine hundred miles or so, right?” said Jesse. “I’ve been thinking that we could take two weeks or maybe a little longer. We still have work to do on the bikes, so we can’t leave right away.”

“Uh—well, it’s actually not nine hundred to the coast,” I said, a little bit nervously, “it’s more like twelve hundred.” I showed him the map. “And personally, I don’t want to do marathon days—we’ve talked about 50 to 65 miles, and that sounds good. I think we need to give ourselves more like three weeks, so we have plenty of leeway in case something goes wrong. Also, so we can explore!”

“Yeah and remember, Jesse, I’m not in as good shape as you are,” Dan said.

“You don’t have much left to do with the bikes, right?” I asked Jesse.

“No, just a few little things that papa keeps saying he’ll do ‘tomorrow.’ “

"Well, I wish he could get them finished—do you agree that we should take about three weeks?”

“Yeah, I guess that sounds about right.”

“Then how about we leave next Thursday, the twenty-fourth? I have to say, I really want to set a date.”

“Yeah,” Jesse said slowly, fingering the map. “I think we can do it. How about you, Dan? Can you be ready by Thursday?”

“Sure,” Dan said. “I don’t need to do much besides pack—you need to get a sleeping bag though, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but that’s not a big deal—papa can get it for me tomorrow. Also the rain gear. There's a few other things, but we’ll get them sometime this week. Okay: let’s leave Thursday.”

“Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath. “The only thing we have to do now is tell your parents. Do you think your dad's gonna be upset that you can’t do much test-riding?”

“Yup,” Jesse said, “but there’s no way we can do two hundred miles before we leave. He'll have to get over it.” I agreed, although I silently wished that the bikes had been finished earlier so that they could have been tested before we left.

“So, sounds good,” Dan said. “Thursday it is.”

≈

Several days before we left, Jesse and I walked up to the ridge top, where you could see the mountains and the valleys for miles around, the flowers blanketed the ground, and there was so much sky. Jesse told me about his experiences in school, which had been pretty awful. He had left four years ago, after reading The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education, and he’d been recovering ever since.

Socializing had not been the greatest experience, Jesse said. In other words, he explained, he'd been the smart kid that nobody liked.

I was realizing that Daniel was different from Jesse in more ways than I'd seen at first. Dan was social, able to get along with everyone, and laid-back almost (but not quite) to the point of irresponsibility. He liked to have fun, and didn't necessarily think about what needed to be done. Jesse was the opposite—more like I was.

I admired how Jesse thought about things—he was extremely analytical, and if he believed in something, he Believed it with a capital B. But I was uncomfortable with him, and I found myself not knowing exactly what to say when we talked. I was beginning to wonder how we would get along on the trip. Had I gotten myself into another Nate situation? No! I told myself. You've got lots more in common with these guys, and it'll be fine. Besides, now you'll have company again. Either that, or it would be déjà vu all over again.

≈

Thursday, July 24 was a morning of chaos. Dan and Jesse packed frantically while Ken tried to stay calm. His constant reminders to the guys—"Did you pack the stove? The instructions for it? The pots? Your forks? The lighter?"—betrayed that he was as agitated as his sons. Sam and Rhea didn't know what to think about everything, and Kaya was not even trying to conceal her apprehension.

I stood sort of awkwardly in the middle and on the sidelines at the same time, knowing that I couldn't do much to help the process and feeling uncomfortable. Ken and Kaya were making me nervous with all their nervousness, and I also worried about how they both seemed to think that I'd make sure the trip went okay. "I'm not gonna be babysitting!" I kept wanting to say.

Jesse had just told me that six months ago, his parents were against the bike trip idea—and very much opposed to Dan going. After the guys made plans to ride with me, Ken and Kaya felt much better. Which, by itself, wasn't a bad thing; after all, there's safety in numbers and all that, and my parents were also pretty glad that I'd be meeting up with some nice Jewish boys in Montana. But then Kaya started saying things like, "It makes me feel so much better that a female will be with those guys—they need that steadying influence…" I hoped she didn't expect me to do all the steadying.

Meanwhile, Ken wanted us to plan to cook together. “It’ll save a lot of weight with cooking gear,” he'd said persuasively, “and that way you can each take turns cooking and stuff.” But I politely said that actually, I’d really prefer to cook on my own. I knew exactly how I liked everything to taste, I’d finally figured out how much I needed to make, and I liked being in control of my own food. I didn't think Ken or Jesse quite understood, but I knew from past experience that shared meals could cause lots of problems in group situations.

≈

As I watched Daniel and Jesse and the inevitable first-day confusion, I remembered back to last winter, and my trip preparations. Much like Dan's and Jesse's, they had also been rather chaotic.

One night back in February, Dad said to Mom “You’ve got to talk to your daughter about this trip. Tell her I’ll take a ride with her in New York State or something. We’ll spend three weeks, maybe a month. She can’t go on planning to ride alone…” My mother told him to talk to me himself, which he did, explaining his fears and trying to convince me not to leave.

Eventually, he understood that I was going. I was grateful for the freedom he gave me despite his fear. My mother had understood why I wanted to go more than anyone did. She told me she was thrilled to have a daughter who was not afraid to go off on her own. I decided that I had remarkable parents.

Also in February, though, I seemed to find reasons to be angry at everyone. I came stomping into the living room and started complaining to Mom about some petty thing, and she listened as I spat out my tales of woe.

She didn't say anything until I was through. “I think that when you're about to leave somewhere, you tend to get upset and sad. That's normal; but the problem is that sometimes, instead of recognizing that they're sad, people find it easier to create conflict at home so that there is a justifiable ‘reason’ to go. What better reason to leave than because you’re angry at people you’ve left behind? Then once you leave there aren't any personal attachments to make you want to stay; you've severed connections. So be careful now. It's okay to want to leave without having a definite reason why.”

Her tone was the one she used when she knew I needed to know something and also knew that I wouldn't like it much.

I felt instantly abashed—and wondered, What the heck am I going to do this summer when it’s up to me to make sure everything goes well? What if I make silly decisions and discover that I'm not as good at taking care of myself as I thought??

Later that week, a family acquaintance said, “A seventeen-year-old female traveling alone will never make it across the country alive!"

I'd stayed alive for three-quarters of the way, and Jesse and Daniel were about to join me. Now we were in it together.

Thirty Three – Kids on Bikes

At 10:30 on Thursday morning we left, rode very carefully down the steep driveway—and quickly stopped at a signal from Dan. "That light Papa made me take is rubbing the wheel," he announced. "I need to adjust it." Adjustments proved futile, so Daniel removed it. A few minutes later, we turned onto the highway toward Bozeman and stopped again, as Kaya and Ken came up behind us in the car.

"Daniel, you forgot your sandals." Ken's face was a study, tight and tense and trying to smile.

"Hey dad, thanks!" Daniel said cheerily. "That would have been bad!" Ken didn't smile.

"Well, now's the time for final good-byes, I guess," said Jesse. There was a general round of hugging, and once again I thanked the family for hosting me. Then we were riding again, Ken leaning out the back of the car with a camera, snapping furiously.

"Goodbye!" we yelled.

"Goodbye!" they yelled back. "Have a safe trip!" Kaya was crying. "God bless you all!" And we were alone, me riding behind the green and blue recumbents, their orange flags waving merrily above the owl feather that each had attached to a fishing-pole on the back of his bike.

"This is just the life!" Daniel yelled over to me. "It's like I'm on an easy chair that's coasting down the street!" His grin was plastered ear-to-ear, and Jesse and I couldn't help smiling.

"They are pretty comfortable, aren't they, Dan?" Jesse said. I pulled up behind Daniel to say something, and a merrily-waving orange flag smacked me in the face.

"OW!" I said. "This is just great. You guys will be riding your easy chairs for the next three weeks, and I'll be riding behind, getting my eyes poked out." We were all laughing now, pedaling into a breeze and a gorgeous Montana morning. Hay fields stretched out on either side of us in the narrow valley, and soon we reached Bozeman.

Then it was urban chaos, four lanes of traffic and stoplights, and we felt very small. Once, Dan lost control of his bike at a red light and it fell over, top-heavy because all his stuff was carried on the rear rack.

We were supposed to meet a newspaper reporter in front of K-Mart so the local paper could do a piece about Jesse and Daniel and their recumbents. The reporter didn't show up, however, and all we did was serve as a distraction for shoppers entering the store. Curious people immediately surrounded us, and Daniel and Jesse fielded questions about their bikes.

"Don't you fall over?"

"How do you ride them things?"

"What—you built them? Yourself? Hey John, c'mere—this kid built these crazy bikes…"

While a crowd surrounded the guys, two women rode up on mountain bikes. "Hello!" one of them said to me, as she locked her bicycle to the nearby rack. "You look pretty loaded-down! Where are y'all going—where'd you ride from?"

"Well, we're heading to Oregon, but we're coming from different places. Jesse and Daniel live here—it's their first day on the road—and I'm coming from Virginia." Virginia. Suddenly that sounded very far away.

"Wow—all the way across the country… What an amazing trip! Do you mind me asking—what's the hardest part been? I mean, I've thought of doing things like that, but I don't know… I'm scared, I guess."

I thought for a minute. The hardest part… "You know, the hardest part is that I've never gone for such a long time with so few hugs. Really and truly, that's hard!"

The woman looked at me with instant understanding. "Geez, That must be hard, meeting strangers every day…" She trailed off. Then she smiled. And then, there in the K-Mart parking lot, this stranger and I embraced each other as the shopping rush whirled around us.

≈

After we ate lunch, the roads were noticeably less crowded and we were back in the land of two-lane roads with minimal traffic. "It's just so beautiful!" I kept saying, over and over. The landscape was big. Sagebrush ruled the countryside, but it was still greener than Wyoming.

"Yeah," said Jesse. "But wait till we get up north. Isn't Montana fantastic?"

The last hour of the ride was hot, and I rode behind with Daniel. Jesse was fast on the hills; Daniel and I were not. Also, it had been a lot of miles for the guys' first day, and Dan was hot and slightly sunburned. He heroically held onto his grin, but it was getting pretty strained as we rode up the last few hills. We didn't pull into Lewis and Clark Caverns State Park until after 7:00.

"I don't think I can move another muscle, Jesse," said Daniel. "I know we gotta put up the tent, but I don't think I can do it." His grin was still there, but it was a very tired Daniel who lay prone on the picnic bench.

"Dan, you want dinner, right? Well, then get up and put up the tent." Jesse wasn't smiling. "This is gonna be a hard trip, and you're going to have to get used to it at some point."

"I know, I know." Dan sighed. "Whose idea was it, anyway? This trip, I mean?” He looked at his brother’s face. “All right, all right, I'm setting up the tent…!" Jesse did smile then, and the three of us set up camp in the nearly empty campground.

When our respective dinners were prepared, we sat in the deepening twilight and ate quietly. The setting sun cast amazingly long shadows on the ground, and the mountain across the highway was lit with an unearthly glow. For a moment I looked at our little group and thought, This is so cool! There's no adult in charge of us—we're just kids on bikes…

And yet a strange tension hung over the table between Jesse and me. He seemed upset about something, and I was trying to figure out if I was being paranoid (a definite possibility), or if I had offended him in some way. While riding today, we'd had several conversations when, although we didn't exactly argue, we didn't exactly agree. And it always seemed like our exchanges were tinged with competition. Maybe I was just being paranoid.

After dinner there was a flaming red sunset over the mountains, and as it set the sage-scented winds blew in a storm. The sun lit up the immense thunderhead and I could see the fingers of rain, unearthly and fiery red in the light.

Then there was a violent flash of lightning, followed immediately by a powerful crack of thunder, and we scurried for our tents. It's good to be inside, I thought, as rain pelted my tent, but sometimes it's lonely in here…

≈

The next morning, the sun rose over the mountains, casting a delicate light over the landscape, and we got up early. We rode deeper into a gray granite canyon, and we made it about fifteen miles with no problems. In Cardwell, though, we got onto the Interstate. It was deafeningly loud, and although the shoulder was wide, cars and enormous tractor-trailers screamed by at high speeds. There was broken glass everywhere, and it was a miracle that we didn’t get any flats. Plenty of other events made up for that piece of luck, however. We were headed over Homestake Pass, and a half-mile up, Jesse's first breakdown occurred: his chain popped apart.

In a moment, all of the trepidation I’d had about the recumbents last week flooded back. Oh my gosh, I thought. Now those bikes are gonna fall apart all the way to Oregon. I can’t believe that Jesse and Dan didn’t make sure to finish them in time to test ride them! Didn’t we discuss departure dates back in March?

Oh, stop it, another part of me said. It’s only a popped chain. There’s no reason for it to happen again. You’ve just got something against Jesse, and you’re mad at him for no reason. What if you got a flat tire or something happened to your bike? Wouldn’t you want them to be patient with you?

But all of that was in my head, and we stopped on the shoulder for Jesse to put his chain together again. The sun beat down solidly. A half-hour later, he finally got the link back on.

Scarcely had we gone two miles, however, then something happened to Dan’s top chain roller. I wasn't sure what went wrong—maybe it stripped. After that, Jesse’s chain popped again. Then, Dan’s bottom chain roller failed. By some stroke of luck we made it up the pass, traffic and heat and breakdowns notwithstanding—and then it was my turn.

With storm clouds looming on the horizon, I wiggled my right foot in my pedal. But something didn't feel right—it was too loose. “Hey guys!” I yelled, embarrassed. “Now it’s my turn to stop!” They turned back.

“Well, no offense, but I’m glad that something happened to you, too—I was beginning to think that Dan and I were cursed or something, but maybe it’s the moon!” Our smiles were strained as I set to work tightening the cam on the bottom of my shoe, which had worked itself loose after 3,700 miles. It took only five minutes, for which I was thankful, and then we were on the road again, the wind pushing me along the behind the orange flags of the recumbents. I tried to think about topics other than the day’s breakdowns and potential disasters.

≈

On Sunday the wind was good, the grades weren't steep, and aside from dismal piles of mine tailings in the town of Anaconda, it was all scenic mountain views. But there were more problems with Jesse's chain, causing a couple of hours' worth of delays. By the time we'd reached the campground, I was tired and not enjoying Jesse's company. My journal entry that afternoon was full of self-analytical wordiness, as I tried to figure out why that curtain of tension hung between us.

All day, it seemed, whether our conversation turned to religion, politics, or anything in general, we always ended up debating. I got the feeling that Jesse thrived on debate; I, however, did not. Anyone would admit that he was good at it, while I was more likely to try to prove my point by saying, “Well, I just know that because—uh—I read it in a book somewhere…I think…or maybe in a magazine.” Not only do I dislike arguing, I dislike the feeling I get when I'm defensive and can't articulate my point of view.

We talked about Judaism in the afternoon, and even though we are both Jewish, I discovered that we had plenty to disagree about. Jesse said that every person should pick one religion and stick to it. I said I needed to find my own way of expressing my ideas of spirituality and "god," and that I'd never seen a religion that really made sense. He said that you had to accept your religion's flaws—discipline was part of it. If you only accepted the things you liked, you'd get lazy. I disagreed. And on and on it went, until I wished that we could shut off the conversation already and not act like this was a boxing match. I wished we could have a regular conversation, where there was natural give-and-take and not so much dissection of the other person's point of view.

When dinner was over that night, Jesse and I sat at the picnic table thinking our own thoughts. Moonlight flickered vaguely through the trees, and Daniel went into his tent. After a few minutes, Jesse turned to me and said, "I've been wanting to talk about something for a couple days, and now seems like as good a time as any. Have you noticed that there's like—that it's like there's some kind of tension between me and you…?"

"Yeah!" I said, relieved that he'd brought it up first. "Definitely. I've been thinking it's in my head or something, but I guess not."

"No, it isn't, and I was thinking we shouldn't let it get any worse…"

We talked for two hours, and didn't come up with much.

Finally Jesse said, "…I think that before this trip, we—or at least I—had some kind of vague idea that…you know…like, somehow we'd have mutual crushes on each other and we'd sort of meet and click and everything. You know."

"Yeah, I guess maybe I did too," I admitted. "But now it's obvious that that isn't going to happen, and that we don't want it to happen." No, Jesse agreed, it wasn't and we didn't.

"And see, that's another thing though," he added. "It sounds silly to say this, but I really don't know how to relate to women if I'm not romantically involved with them…"

The night sounds rustled comfortably in the dark woods. "Maybe Dan has some ideas," I said after awhile. I didn't have any at that moment. “Hey Dan!"

"Don't you get me involved now!" Daniel warned from the depths of the tent.

"No, don't get involved—we just want some ideas from someone who's on the 'outside.' "

"Well, okay," he said, "I just don't want to get in the middle. Promise you won’t put me in the middle!" He slithered out of the tent. "But as you know, I always like to say what I think, and I have been thinking about how you guys argue all the time." He grinned. Dan wasn't one to mince words, but somehow you never minded. "You're both the same in lots of ways—your personalities, I mean. You're both the oldest of big families, and you're both used to being The Boss—at least, I know Jesse is and I can guess already that Sarabeth is, too. So I think it's hard for both of you to be in a situation where neither of you is the boss. Jesse always likes to have friends who let him be in charge, I've noticed."

"Well, I'm not so sure about that, Dan…" said Jesse stiffly.

Dan did make some good points, but I didn't know where that left us. Did Jesse and I just have incompatible personalities? The one good thing that came from the talk was that I saw glimmers of who Jesse was, behind the reserved façade that he usually showed.

≈

Unfortunately, just getting a glimpse behind Jesse's façade wasn't enough—the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach was there again when we rode out of camp the next morning, and on top of that, I had major PMS. During the course of the day’s ride, Jesse and I managed to debate some more about religion, gun control, and the importance of being educated on popular culture.

And again, talking about the tension (in between Jesse's chain breaking again and an episode with Dan's chain roller) didn't resolve anything. Jesse told me that he felt threatened by me—a statement that confused me more than ever. "You're special in ways that I always thought made me unique," he said.

But I didn't feel that way—in Jesse I saw a person who did plenty of cool things and who was quite intelligent, and who was certainly unique. So what am I supposed to do? I wondered. I guess my interpersonal relationship skills have gone totally to pot! But still, I thought, it's not all my fault. It takes two to tango.

≈

The next day, we rode into Missoula on more of the interstate highway's glass-littered shoulder. I was nauseous from my period and the last thing I wanted to do was sit on my bicycle. Jesse brought up the subject of music theory, one more thing to argue about. “I just can’t discuss it right now,” I said tiredly, though it took awhile before we were both able to stop talking. I was finding that it was hard to agree to disagree.

When we made it into the city, we found a park, wheeled our bikes over the footbridge, and sat down in the shade. Then we had a meeting.

"Okay." I didn't know how to begin. "We've been talking for way too long about What's Up With Me and Jesse, and I don't want to do it anymore. I'm frustrated. You—Jesse—haven't been able to tell me something that I can do to make you feel better, and I can't stand feeling uncomfortable with you all the time. I guess what I'm saying is that I need to ride alone if we can't resolve things before we leave Missoula." I sat hugging my knees and watching the guys' faces.

Jesse was silent for a minute, and then he said, "Well, I'm a little confused, quite frankly. I mean, we've talked about it a lot, and I'm actually feeling better. I mean, I don't understand why you’re still feeling bad."

"Yeah, but we still argue all the time! I don't know—I don't know what the problem is, maybe it was PMS, but just talking about stuff isn't working for me."

"I guess that since we did talk about it, I'm feeling fine."

"…but I'm not." We had reached a dead-end.

Then Dan said, "Um… well, I don't know how to say this—but Sarabeth, if you decided to go on alone, I think my parents would want me to come home. I mean, I'd totally understand if you want to, but—well, I hope you don't! Not only 'cause I want to keep going."

I looked at him. "You mean they'd make you end right here and go back to Bozeman?" I asked flatly.

"Yeah, I think so. They kinda decided to let me go because you were coming."

I sat in stunned silence. Now, either I messed things up for Dan or I messed things up for myself, and I couldn't think which was worse. But geez, I thought a moment later, This isn't fair! How could Ken and Kaya have expected me to be responsible for Dan? They'd never met me! They'd never asked if I wanted to be responsible! And anyway, Dan doesn’t need a babysitter. I unhappily plucked some grass from the dirt and twisted it around my fingers. "Great. So now what??"

"I guess I don't know," Jesse said. "I really want this to work out, but I can't do what you're asking me. I don't have anything specific to tell you like you want me to do, and so—well—now what?"

"I guess…let's play it by ear," I said. "We're gonna stay at your friend's house for two days, right? So let's just enjoy Missoula—and spend the afternoon separately! We haven't had any time alone since we left Bozeman, and I need it." Jesse agreed, and I headed into town to explore.

"Hey Sarabeth!" Jesse said, when I rode back to the park, smiling and happy again from my afternoon spent eating Greek food and exploring the city. "We met Greg Siple coming over the bridge about an hour ago, and he wants us to come to the Adventure Cycling Association headquarters so he can take pictures of us." Greg Siple was the production manager of the TransAm maps, and he was also the ACA photographer. In the archives at Adventure Cycling there were hundreds of photos that he had taken of touring cyclists passing through.

"Wow—that's cool! He must have loved your bikes."

"Yeah, and he really liked that we built them ourselves. So what do you say we go over there in a few minutes?"

The ACA headquarters were another milestone on the TransAm Trail, and it was with quiet excitement that I walked up the front steps and into the air-conditioned building. Jack and Lili had left me a note, and I left one for Jeff and Wyeth. It was like playing post office for real. In the logbook I saw Roel, way ahead. He'd signed in weeks ago. There were Alice and Dale, and Chriss and Tony, and way at the beginning were some of the east-bounders we'd met back in Kansas. I signed my name, followed by "TransAm, Yorktown, VA—>Florence, OR" and closed the book.

Greg took photos of Dan and Jesse individually, and then together, and then he wanted to take my photo, too. I didn't know it then, but three months later the picture would be published in Adventure Cyclist magazine. The photo of me grinning in front of my bike was circulated to 40,000 readers, my smile saying more about my newfound attraction to cycletouring than I could possibly fit on the "bio sheet" Greg gave me to fill out.

As we pedaled out of the parking lot, Greg told Daniel that he was the youngest person ever to come through riding his own bike (not on the back of a tandem or a child's seat).

"Really?" Dan asked. "That is so cool! Did you hear that, Sarabeth? I like that!" He pedaled in happy circles in the parking lot.

Greg said that I was the youngest woman ever to come through riding alone—technically, anyway. That was cool too, I thought. And Jesse's claim to fame was that he designed and built his and Dan's bikes, something that was impressive to everyone we met.

But we hadn't ironed out our plans, and the three of us rode away from ACA feeling vaguely discomforted.

Thirty Four – What to Do…

We'd made the plans in May, solidified them in June, and finalized them in July. I was really looking forward to the visit. Then Betsy's car engine failed, fifty miles outside of Gillette, Wyoming, and visiting prospects looked grim. "I'll make it, though!" said Betsy, from a crackly payphone in some town I forgot right after she said the name. "I promise. Tomorrow night, I'll get to Missoula, no matter what."

I watched for her all evening on July 31, anxious and brimming with impatience. I wanted to see Betsy so badly. I needed talk with someone older, wiser, who knew me. I wanted to vent my confusion about Jesse, and my private fears of being alone if I left the guys. Betsy would understand.

I'd met Betsy when I was thirteen or fourteen, when she was a counselor at the Hulbert Outdoor Center in Vermont, and I was a camper there during Homeschooler's Week. Just like all the staff at Hulbert, Betsy was approachable, funny, boundlessly energetic, fun. She always listened thoughtfully, and I thought she was beautiful, with her strong muscles and thick blond braid. We'd written letters after camp, and visited once or twice outside of Hulbert. Tonight, waiting under the blanket of warm evening air in Missoula, Montana, I wanted to be back in Vermont. Or rather, I wanted the Hulbert feeling, like everything was taken care of. At Hulbert our days were planned out so the kids had fun, and the adults were there to make sure there was stability, a warm hug whenever necessary, and a perfectly ordered small universe—or as near to a perfectly ordered universe as you could get. On July 31, 1997, I was sick of feeling like an adult and a kid at the same time.

And so I waited. Never had clock hands moved so incredibly slowly. Jesse and Dan and I went shopping, and we sent ahead a box of provisions to Baker City, Oregon. I packed my panniers, then lined them up in a neat row next to my sleeping bag. We were staying with Jesse's friend Casey on a quiet side street, and for two days we'd had the comforts of a real home. I ate dinner on the porch swing.

Eight o'clock rolled around and the telephone didn't ring. I was fidgeting with impatience. Soon eight-thirty ticked by, and then nine. By the time ten o'clock came, I was a little desperate. Jesse and Dan and the rest of the household were watching some spooky horror movie in the living room, and I tried not to hear the gruesome noises emanating from the television set. "Ring, phone, please ring." I mouthed the words in desperation. And then, at twenty after ten when I was about to explode, the phone rang. I leaped up.

"Hey Sarabeth, we made it! We're at the edge of town, right off the Interstate…" Within seventeen seconds, I was off the phone, out the door, and waiting on the dark sidewalk. It seemed like three more hours went by before the green VW van finally pulled up under the street lamp, and I saw Betsy's face in the window. A second later we ran towards each other, and then we were hugging, laughing and talking at the same time.

"Hey, you crazy girl!" said Betsy, as we glowed in the yellow light of the street lamp. "Stand still for a minute. Lemme look at you!" I stood still for a moment before I threw my arms around her again. "Well, you've got some big muscles now, but basically you're the same. I can't believe you rode your bike here!"

"Me neither," I said. "And I can't believe that you are here. Different scenery than last Hulbert, that's for sure!"

"Do I get to be introduced?" Betsy's boyfriend, Mark, was standing beside us.

"Oh yeah—I figured you two talked on the phone enough these last two days, making plans," Betsy said. "But here you go: Sarabeth, Mark; Mark; Sarabeth. Now, could I possibly use the bathroom in your friend's house? Then let's go somewhere, although I have no idea where: what's gonna be open here on a Thursday night??"

Jesse decided to come with us in our search for a hangout spot, and the four of us piled into the van and cruised the streets of Missoula. We had to conclude that for a town with a hip reputation, the pickings were slim for nightspots. We had to settle on Denny's, but we figured the company was more important than the ambiance, anyway.

Compared to the way the time seemed to slink by interminably that afternoon, the hours fairly flew that night. It seemed like no time before it was half past midnight and we were back in front of Casey’s house on the darkened street. And although I knew that Jesse and Dan and I had a 60-mile day and a big pass to climb in the morning, I hated to go to sleep.

But Betsy was firm. "You need your rest," she said. "We'll still be here tomorrow morning when you wake up."

"Oh, but wait—let's sing one song first!" The last time Betsy had visited, we'd sung all evening.

"One song. Then you have to go to sleep!"

I laughed. "Okay." We stood under the streetlights, arms around each other, and sang softly in the sleeping neighborhood.

≈

Under normal conditions, five hours of sleep was not enough for me to function. But this morning I was running on adrenaline. Dan and Jesse and I got up at six, packed up, and ate breakfast on the porch with Betsy and Mark.

"It's way too soon to leave! Why don't you come with us?" I asked them, only half joking. Betsy and I hadn't even had any time to talk alone. Stupid car engine failure. "Why don't you meet up with us, I mean. You could join us for lunch or something…" The idea was taking shape. "You said you were gonna stay in the area for a day or so, so couldn't you..?"

In another few minutes, Mark and Betsy had decided to drive up Lolo Pass in the afternoon, and since there was only one road, we’d be sure to see each other.

"…So no crying or goodbyes yet!" said Betsy. "Here's a 'see-you-later' hug—now have a good ride, guys!"

Lolo-the-pass was long: after Lolo-the-town, we began to climb uphill as we would for the next thirty miles. But the grade was gentle, the air was warm and clear, and we rode along Lolo-the-Creek for most of the way. Now we were in another historic area—the former haunt of several Native American tribes and Lewis and Clark. U.S. Highway 12, which we’d stick to for the next hundred miles, paralleled the Lolo-the-Trail, formerly used by the Nez Perce Indians as a buffalo trail and by the Lewis and Clark expedition on their way to the sea.

"It's hard to imagine them traveling here," I said to Jesse, as we pedaled next to the rushing creek. "I guess I shouldn't complain about riding uphill. At least I have roads!"

After forty-one miles, the grade increased to five percent. And in the few miles before the top of the pass, the landscape metamorphosed from dry sagebrush to thick, lush forest. The wind was cool, and instead of sage we smelled pine needles and moving water.

Then, around a bend in the road, we were at the top of the 5,235-foot pass. This was where the Lewis and Clark party camped on September 13, 1805; in a couple of hours we'd ridden a distance that had taken their expedition an entire day to traverse. And now we were in Idaho.

"But hey—where's the sign?" Daniel asked. After thoroughly examining the roadside, we still couldn’t find the state sign. We took our photos in front of "Welcome to Montana" on the other side of the road, but evidently Idaho's sign had been forgotten.

"What a bad deal!" Daniel complained. "We pedal up all this way, and we don't even get a sign to prove we made it. I think we should file a complaint!"

"Look at that sign though," I said as we began to ride downhill. "That one deserves a picture."

A yellow metal sign read, "Winding Road Next 77 Miles: Trucks Use Lower Gear."

" 'Lower Gear' means downhill—for seventy-seven miles!" I said. Just then, all three of us hit the brakes as a young cow moose rustled out through the bushes and grasses next to the road. Her ungainly form lumbered across the highway in front of us, and when she noticed us, she hurried up the near-vertical dirt cliff on the opposite side of the highway.

Idaho, besides having no state sign, welcomed us with non-existent shoulders and thunderclouds. But as we began the steep descent (I couldn't get over the fact that it would be downhill for 77 miles), there was no time to think of anything but the road.

Our bikes sped up nearly instantaneously, and soon we were coasting madly down the road. For the first time all day, my "joyful girl" quote came unbidden to my lips. I was headed downhill for the next 77 miles—well, 75 now—and Idaho was so green! I whizzed past huge trees, and the spicy smell of ferns mixed with that of the pines. Down in the canyon to my left were rivers—first Haskell Creek, and then Crooked Fork; and then the smaller creeks finally converged into the larger Lochsa River. So much water thundered deep in the valley. Small streams seemed to materialize out of the woods on our right, trickling and gurgling and chattering down the mountainside. Soon, as we kept descending, the mosses and ferns became visible, lushly carpeting the forests of spruce and pine. The air was thick with moisture—with every mile we coasted, we were deeper and deeper into the woods. At one point, we stopped at a small grove of gigantic Cedars. Small wooden paths wove among the giants, and the mosses and ferns muffled every sound.

Several miles after the cedar grove, Betsy and Mark met us at a pull-out. "Mark and Betsy's traveling bicyclists' refreshment service!" said Betsy, with a flourish. Inside the van was a little table with three bottles of orange juice and a little bouquet of wildflowers in an Evian bottle. "Sorry it's taken us so long—we were caught up in Missoula for longer than we thought."

"Oh, thanks!" I said. "Isn't Idaho incredible? It's so beautiful that I can't believe I'm here."

The guys rode up then. "Wow, is that orange juice for us?" Dan asked. "That's so nice of you…I like orange juice!"

And finally, Betsy and I left the three guys talking and went behind the van, alone. We sat on a log overlooking the Lochsa River, where we could see down, down, down into the valley of trees to the mountains beyond. We talked about Betsy's job for awhile and then she said, "…So now, what's happening with you?" She put her arms around me. "How's it going, biker-woman?"

It all poured out then, my tears and confusion about the whole stupid thing with Jesse. My words tumbled over each other, and Betsy listened. The wind blew our hair gently, the river thundered below, and two women held each other, tiny figures on a log in this vast Idaho wilderness. We sat there for an hour, not noticing the time or the discomfort of the log. When I had finished talking and had cried until I didn't have any tears left, I was quiet—peaceful.

Then Betsy said quietly, "It seems to me like you need to figure out what's best for you in the next two weeks. You're nearing the end of this journey of yours, and you need to end the trip in a way that feels special and right for you."

≈

You need to end the trip in a way that feels special and right for you. The rain pounded my tent that night, and Betsy's words pounded in my head, louder than the storm.

≈

The rain stopped in the morning, and the sun dappled my tent when I woke up. I need to end this trip in a way that feels special and right for me. I watched the sun dance on the roof of my tent. How could I make the end special?

And then I knew: I needed to end the trip alone. All through the trip, I'd feared being alone, and the fear shadowed me even when I was riding with other people. Now I needed to prove something to myself, though I didn't know what it was. I'd ride with Jesse and Dan until next Saturday, since we had to pick up the food package that we'd sent ahead to the Baker City post office. Then I'd ride by myself to the coast. And I doubted that Ken and Kaya would make Dan come home, then—not after he'd already made it Oregon.

I jumped out of my tent feeling lighter than I had for days. I knew what I needed to do, and now I was ready to enjoy the next week of riding. But Jesse didn't seem too happy. He still didn't understand why I wanted to go ahead.

"It's not only because of you, though," I tried to explain. "It's because I've figured out why I've been not-so-easy to live with this past week, too. I need to be alone for my last week—it wouldn't matter who I was riding with."

Thirty Five – Was it a Bear?

Even though the campground didn't have any signs or warnings about bears, the three of us wondered aloud why Georgetown Lake would be any less likely to have bears than Yellowstone. No reason, we concluded, but we figured that there would be signs or bear boxes if there was a danger. We decided to leave the food on our bikes for the night—it didn't look like rain, and the trouble of hanging the panniers in a tree if there weren’t bears just didn't seem worth it. Soon, Dan decided that he was going into the tent. That's when Jesse and I heard an enormous rustle, and watched a good-sized black shape come lumbering out of the bushes into the road.

"What's that?" I said, startled, although both of us were thinking the same thing. “Let’s talk loudly so that it will go away, don't you thi…”

"…That looks like a bear to me," Jesse said, equally loudly. “I wonder if it is?” The bear, or whatever it was, heard us and began racing as quickly as its legs could carry it into the woods.

"What's happening?" Dan called from inside the tent. "What am I missing now?"

"Oh, just a bear," Jesse said, still talking loudly.

"Are you serious?!?” He poked his head out the door. “Gosh, that was bad timing. I shouldn't have gone inside so soon! I can’t believe I missed it if that was a bear."

"It sure looked about the right size for one," I said.

"Dan," said Jesse, "why don't you get out of the tent and help us hang up the food?" Hanging the food in a tree was suddenly highest on our list of priorities. At that moment, a pick-up pulled into our site and a large ranger got out.

"…Y'know, I was jest thinkin' to myself that you kids were on bikes, and I was comin' down to warn you thet there's been a bear around the campground lately. It was around this mornin', actually, and so like I says, I jest wanted to make sure you folks were hangin' your food up."

"Actually, we're doing that right now," Jesse said. "How high should we hang it?"

"Well, they say fifteen feet, but I don’t think bears can really git that high. Maybe if you put the smaller guy on your shoulders, he could tie one end o' the rope as high as he kin reach."

There was general confusion as we made a pile of panniers with food in them (as well as panniers which might have at some point contained food) and tried to find rope. Finally we were set, and Dan climbed onto Jesse's shoulders. The ranger stood at the base of the tree, directing progress.

"O-kay, easy now—careful! Just a little higher—there you go—tie it nice and tight now—oops, watch the branch—okay, now here's the bags. Now, just hand down the rope, and one of you come down and tie a good strong knot."

"Here," I said, "I'll tie it."

"Aw, one of the boys kin do it! It's real heavy."

"Don’t worry," I said, "I know how to tie knots and I won't faint from the weight." What did he think, that my loaded bicycle was light?

"…And you probably know as much about knots as I do!" Jesse whispered to me when Dan had dismounted from his shoulders.

"So say, are you kids running away from home or somethin'?" the ranger inquired, settling in at the picnic table. The last few days had been the first time on the trip when people had guessed immediately that I was school-age and not in my twenties. Traveling with Dan made both Jesse and me look younger.

"Well, actually," Jesse explained, "we're riding our bikes to Oregon to a camp for homeschooled teenagers."

"Homeschooled? Does that mean you have tutors? Or do your parents teach you?…" Our explanation ensued, after which the man still didn't understand at all.

"…Besides," he added, after he'd taken his turn extolling the virtues of public school, "school provides you with important life experiences. You cain't get those experiences anywhere else."

The three of us looked at each other. We could have laughed if it weren't so sad. Life experiences? we were thinking. So, this trip isn't a life experience, and instead we should be inside a classroom? We didn't think so.

Mr. Ranger did think so, however, because, "How d'ya make sure you don't watch TV all day if yer at home?"

"We don't have a TV," Jesse and I said simultaneously. That stumped Mr. Ranger for only a few seconds. He just kept talking, since he didn’t really want to listen to what we had to say, anyway. After fifteen minutes he finally decided to head back to his campsite up the hill.

"…Now you kids have a safe trip," he said, "You be careful, and tie up yer food." We promised we would, and once again we were alone in the summer night.

≈

The first half of Idaho was one long downhill coast along the rushing Lochsa river. As The Book noted, the name of the river was "a Salish Indian term meaning 'rough water,' [and] is certainly appropriate for the rocky, swift river. It had to be bypassed by the Lewis and Clark expedition and other settlers who followed; in fact, the wildness of the Lochsa wasn't exposed to the traveler until the highway was completely in 1962."

I could understand why the highway took so long to be built; it must have been extraordinarily difficult to carve the road into the steep sides of the mountain. But still, I wished that they'd put a shoulder on the road, or at least made it even a few inches wider. The guys sat low on their recumbents, and the pile of gear on their rear racks made it nearly impossible for them to see behind themselves. So I did the rear-viewing for all of us, riding in front and yelling directions such as "DIVE!" and "DIVE QUICKLY!" when RV's and logging trucks lumbered into my field of view. There was no room for two big rigs to fit on the road alongside a bike. At the signal, we would all head for the gravel shoulder, a procedure that we repeated often and which we came to dread.

But if we hadn't dived into the shoulder at around mile 40 on one particular afternoon, we wouldn't have seen the waterfall cascading down mossy rocks. And if we hadn't seen the waterfall, we wouldn't have left our bikes by the road to explore. And if we hadn't gone exploring, we wouldn't have found the black raspberry bush growing out of a boulder in a pocket of soil, its berries bursting with juice. We ate until our fingers and lips turned deep purple, and took a shockingly cold shower under the waterfall. Then we hugged each other, shivering and laughing on top of the rock.

≈

The beauty of Idaho's rivers and forest fairly made my heart ache. The greenness took over everything, and even the moist, cool air seemed practically green-tinted. As I enjoyed the seemingly-never-ending downhill, I tried to imagine Lewis and Clark, with no towns and no maps, leading their pack animals on a trail just a few hundred yards up the ridge. Riding here was bringing me close to history.

The mountains here were different from the Rockies in Montana, different from those in Colorado, and different from the eastern ranges too. They felt old, even though they were, geologically speaking, relatively young. The mountain peaks were sharp, and Highway 12 wound around and down through steep valleys. From far away, the mountainsides looked furry with trees, except where humans had made their mark. Some sections of the National Forest are owned jointly by the timber companies, and they leave desolate, desecrated, one-mile-square clear-cuts dotting the hills. But despite that reminder of humans, the land looked happy. Wildflowers flourished by the edge of the road, the buzzing of the bugs was almost joyful, and the rivers were rushing and tumbling and laughing and beautiful and wild. I kept wishing that I had an inner tube in my panniers so I could float downstream.

The night we arrived in Wild Goose Campground, nestled on a little outcropping overlooking the Clearwater River, we found that all twenty campsites were full. But two people offered us space at their sites, and we ended up camping with a family who refused to let us pay for our half. The river sang us to sleep.

The next morning was a layover, and our campground benefactors asked us if we wanted to go tubing with them. Did we?!? There was no question in our minds, and we piled into their pick-up truck with a bunch of kids and tubes and dogs and headed upriver, past where the Lochsa met the Clearwater. We started off in gentle rapids, and then moved into the calmer current of deep water.

"Look how you can see the bottom!" I exclaimed. It was glassy clear, no muck or cloudiness. Large fish swam under us, and flecks of pyrite reflected the sun. Now I knew where the river got its name.

That night, Jesse and Dan and I sat quietly on the shore of the river. A mountain peak towered hundreds of feet above us, rising almost vertically on the other side. The top was spiked with pine trees, dark against the blue-black sky. After a while the sky got darker, and stars began to twinkle in the blackness. I wanted to absorb the scene, remember it so that I would never forget how it felt to sit with that magical river in the moonlight.

≈

The next morning we packed up in record time, and we were on the road at 6:15. It was a glorious morning, with mist rising from the river and sunlight filtering through the pines. Then we had our first calamity of the day, when Dan accidentally exposed a roll of film.

Our second misadventure was a minor collision. Jesse was in the lead when he spied a pair of sunglasses in the road, and he stopped suddenly, without any warning. Dan, who was following closely, squeezed his brakes hard. I slammed on my brakes as well, and somehow neither of us fell over. I felt like I'd been irritable about a lot of things lately, but the accident bothered me. Jesse could've at least apologized! I thought.

After catching our breath, we started up again—only to hear a sickening CRACK that signaled Dan's chain coming apart. At this point I realized that I wanted to ride by myself for awhile. We agreed to meet in Kooskia where we would make our Sunday phone calls home, and a feeling of relief descended upon me as I rode off into the cool morning. I watched the sun gradually light up more and more of the mountains, watched the beautiful landscape, and felt supremely happy as I pedaled towards the first real human settlement since Lolo-the-town.

Phone calls over, the three of us left Kooskia and turned sharply south, riding out of lush forests and back into dry sagebrush and scrub. Barely a half-mile down Highway 13, Dan got a flat tire. We stopped in front of a deserted elementary school, and while the already-hot sun beat down, Jesse put in a new tube. We made it three more miles, just past the small town of Stites, before the tire was flat again, this time with a bang: Jesse must have pinched the tube between the tire and the rim when he put the tire back on. Now he had no fresh tubes left, so we settled in for a longer wait while Jesse patched one and replaced it in the tire. The only bit of shade around was by a stilted tree in a thistle patch.

I tried to be patient, and outwardly I hoped I was. After all, I should be kind and considerate and caring. I kept reminding myself of how Jeff and Wyeth and Roel continually waited for me in the Ozarks. But I was not feeling considerate at all. It was getting hotter by the minute, and I knew White Bird Pass would be murder in this heat.

Nine miles later, in the town of Harpster, it was officially too hot to ride. My head hurt and Dan and Jesse didn't look too good either. The landscape through which we were riding was sagebrush and open space, and the sun beat down relentlessly. Had we really been in a lush forest that morning? The woman at the RV park in Harpster offered to let us rest in the pavilion down by the river. It was 1:30 and we gratefully accepted. After lunch, none of us felt really motivated to keep going—we figured we'd wait until the heat burned off a bit.

By the time three o’clock rolled around, we realized that we had to get going despite the temperature—otherwise, we'd never make it up the pass before dark.

The heat was searing, radiating off everything and making my head ache again. We started up the six-mile, 6% grade in our usual hill-climbing formation: Jesse riding ahead, and me riding just ahead of Dan, urging him constantly to take it easy and drink and stop a lot.

"You're just like a big sister, I swear!" he said at one point.

“Well, that’s why big sisters are useful,” I answered. “We make sure you drink enough on hot days!”

It was slow going. The heat was incredible, and I also knew that Dan wasn't drinking enough, despite my nagging. We had only gone a mile before I realized why: he had only filled one water bottle, hoping to spare the weight. I took one look at his face, and knew this wasn't good. He was beginning to turn a peculiar color, and then he complained that he was dizzy and his head was hurting.

"Pull over," I commanded sharply. "You have got to drink." He was looking sort of yellowish now, and I wouldn't let him get back on the bike.

"Yeah…but…" his voice was unsteady "I'm gonna run out of water…if I drink a lot."

"I don't care," I said, "drink. We'll stop a car and ask them for some water. I'm gonna go ahead and get Jesse and you stay right here." There was a tiny bit of shade under a rock outcropping, and though it wasn't much cooler there, it was better than nothing.

"Jesse’s gonna be mad," Daniel said softly as I began to ride away.

"Don't worry about it. I'm going to get him, and you're gonna stay right here and drink. Are you still dizzy?" I suddenly wondered if I should even leave him.

"I'll be okay." His grin was small but steady, and I began pedaling into the intense heat.

Jesse was waiting around the next bend, wondering what was happening. "Dan looks bad," I said. I was out of breath, so I didn't say more—we both zipped down the hill.

"Hey Dan—are you okay?" Jesse asked. Daniel was actually already looking better, but I knew he still needed more water. "I'll give him some of mine," Jesse said. "I have enough. Also, you should wear this white shirt, Daniel, and maybe it'll keep you cooler…" We started slowly up the mountain, stopping every few feet. "Sara, you go ahead if you want," Jesse said. "It doesn't make sense for us both to go slowly."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah—we'll meet up with you in Grangeville if not before."

"Well…okay," I said. It did seem like there was nothing I could do to help the situation, and it would be easier to ride at my own pace in this heat. I pedaled on ahead.

Not that I went far or fast. The mountain was interminable and steep, and the humidity made the sweat stream off my nose and arms. I stopped and took long breaks whenever there was the tiniest bit of shade. I could hardly believe that anything could be as hot as that sun, glaring down on White Bird Pass. I got some extra water from a kind family in an air-conditioned van. I began to feel miserable anyway.

But then as I rode, I thought back to a “hot” day back in Rural Retreat, Virginia. I remembered how difficult it was to climb that mountain, how out of breath I'd gotten after only a few pedal strokes. And I looked down at my brown, muscled legs this afternoon, and thought about how strong I was now: climbing a 6% grade and singing at the same time.

"I do it for the joy it brings, 'cause I'm a joyful girl." I really am having fun! I thought suddenly. Masochistic as this ride might be, it was good to feel my power.

Dan got a ride up the last half of the pass with a woman in a pick-up truck. That night, I suggested that he get a Camelbak drinking system, a plastic bladder with a flexible straw so he could drink easily and often. "Okay, big sister," he said. "I'll get one tomorrow at the bike shop—if there is one, anyway."

The woman in the Cash and Carry supermarket said that had been more than a hundred and ten degrees that afternoon. I met Jesse's gaze; we were triumphant warriors. As the sun went down over the city park, it cooled off a little—and then, three exhausted cyclists fell asleep without any trouble at all.

Bike touring can cure anyone of insomnia.

≈

The next morning, while Dan and Jesse paid a lengthy visit to the bike shop, I rode out of town alone. I was getting into By Myself Mode already. The trees by the road created welcome shade, there was little traffic, and the birds sang as I climbed; the last part of White Bird Pass was a lot more pleasant than the first.

When I reached the top at 4,245 feet, I felt sorry for anyone climbing up the grade I was about to go down. The nice yellow sign said, “7% Grade Next 8 miles: Trucks Use Lower Gear.” No wonder that eastbound cyclist I'd met back in Wyoming told me that he’d hated Idaho.

The immediate acceleration of my bike took my breath away as I began to roll downhill. Within a few seconds I was going thirty m.p.h., and the road was so full of switchbacks that going any faster would be a bad idea. I was entering the gorgeous Salmon River valley, which the Shoshone people called “Tom-Agit-Pah,” or “big fish water.” Golden sunflowers grew in abundance, but they weren't the only color in the landscape. Beyond the swift river, flowing wide and green through the valley, the mountains towered over everything, carpeted with every shade of green, yellow and red. The hills rolled smoothly, surreally, into the horizon, cradling the river as it slithered along. I wondered if maybe I'd made a wrong turn and rolled onto Mars.

It was nearly six before Jesse and Daniel pulled up to our campsite in Riggins, "The Whitewater Capital of the World."

“Look!” Dan said grinning, “how do you like it?” He held up his new Camelbak, with its flexible tube positioned in his lap for easy accessibility. “It's great—now I can ride in my easy chair and drink without lifting my hands from the handlebars. I like Camelbaks!”

“We also figured out what's been wrong with the chains all this time,” Jesse said. “It’s because we had to combine three chains to make one long enough for each recumbent. We used master-link chains, and on those you’re only supposed to ‘break’ the chain at one particular link." He showed me a notched piece. "Otherwise the rest get weakened. And when I was putting all those lengths of chain together for my bike, I didn’t know the exact right length. So I had to keep taking them apart and putting it together, and I didn’t always use the master link. The places it’s been popping are places where I’d taken it apart without the master."

“So, did you get a new chain?”

“No, but I think I replaced all the problem links. I’m confident that it will be okay now.” I hoped he was right.

The evening was beautiful; after a short but furious storm, everything got cool and the air was fresh. The sunset was a blazing purple sky behind Schoolmarm Peak. (Someone had had fun naming the mountains around here: next to Schoolmarm Peak and Preacher Mountain was Whiskey Butte. The irony was evidently intended.)

“You know, guys?” I said, as we were getting ready for bed. “I really liked getting here early—and not having to ride in the heat. Tomorrow's gonna be even longer, and it’s gonna be mostly uphill, too. So I'd really like to get started early. I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I'd like to pull out of here as soon as it’s light enough to see. As long as it's as hot as it's been, I'd like to not ride in the afternoon.”

“Well, we can get up early too,” said Jesse. “What time?”

“Wait a sec, Jesse,” said Daniel. “Maybe you can get up early, but you haven't consulted me yet!”

“I’d like to leave at dawn,” I said, “so let’s see. Now that we’re back in Mountain Time, the sun'll probably rise at 5:00, but won’t get over the mountains till 5:30. So 5:30, I guess.”

“I dunno...” said Dan.

“We'll do it,” Jesse said firmly.

“So—um—do you want me to wake you up around 4:15 when I get up?” I asked.

“I really don’t know about this, Jesse,” moaned Daniel.

“Oh stop it!” said Jesse. “Sure—see you tomorrow at 4:15!”

The Salmon River sang us to sleep, and the wind blew gently through my open door as night fell in Riggins, Idaho.

The morning was dark and still when I woke up. The campground was clothed in the blue-gray light of day before dawn, and I could hear the river flowing below. I said softly to the guys, “It’s 4:15—time to get up.”

“Wha... Huh?” I assumed it was Jesse, but it was hard to tell.

“Are you guys up?”

No answer.

“Hey Jesse…Dan…it’s 4:15! Rise and shine.”

“…I’ll rise, but no one’s gonna make me shine.” It was Dan this time. I waited a few more minutes, but there were no more sounds from the tent.

“Hey guys—time to get up. Or, I mean you don’t have to, but if you wanna leave early...”

“All right, all right, I’m up now.” Jesse sounded more awake, and there were rustles coming from their direction. Satisfied that they were up, I started taking down my tent and packing up in the half-light.

In a moment I heard Dan. “Hey! Wait a minute here.” He was sitting in the door of the tent, rubbing his eyes. “Wait just one minute: it’s dark out here! Do you expect me to get up in the dark??”

“C’mon Daniel, what did you think it was gonna be? Now, move on out so I can get out too.” Jesse was the more awake of the two.

“If I fall off my bike or something because I was so tired, it'll be you guys’ fault!” said Daniel, aggrieved.

"But feel how nice and cool it is!" I said brightly, as we pedaled out of the campground at 5:40. "In fact, I could almost put on my fleece."

"Yeah," said Dan darkly. "You wake us up any earlier next time, and we'll get frostbite."

Thirty Six – "Where are the Women?"

I was a self-respecting, nineties kind of girl. When I'd entered my teens, I'd perused "Our Bodies, Ourselves." I'd read books about Goddess traditions, the importance of good self-esteem, and how special it was to blossom into womanhood. "Honor your womanhood," the books instructed. "Go to the woods when you're menstruating! Meditate! Write creative poetry! Do Yoga! Feel your power!"

Those self-empowerment tips weren't going to help on this particular afternoon. My period had just arrived, as I rode into a rest area where the bathroom looked like jail cells all lined up. Those new-age books had had some chapters missing, like How To Embrace Your Womanhood While Perched On A Bicycle Saddle, Ten Miles From the Nearest Campground.

I was rooting around in my panniers for some maxi pads when a kind lady came over. "You don't look very good, dear! Do you need anything?" she asked.

"I can't find my stupid maxi pads!" I said, emerging from my pannier. Exhaustion, wave after wave of it, swept over me.

"Oh, goodness—I know what that's like! You know, I think I have some in my car—should I check?" At that moment I found the pads, but I thanked the woman for asking. At least being female fostered a connection with other women. We knew what it was like to have our periods every month.

After that steaming hot day back in Kansas, when Abbey had gotten her period in the middle of a fifty-mile ride, I realized that female cyclists—as well as women in general—faced challenges that men just didn't have to deal with. Maybe it went the other way round, too, but I am female, and therefore biased. There were reasons, I concluded, why single male cyclists were in abundance while I only met two women traveling sans boyfriend or husband during my five months on the road. Men never had to think too much about sexual harassment and catcalls—or rape. And of course, they never got menstrual cramps.

I sure wished I would meet a few more female cyclists. Sometimes I craved contact with more women whose first question wasn’t, “Aren’t you scared?” I wanted someone to say, “I’m doing that too…and you're right…it is hard sometimes to be alone and get your period while riding or get whistled at by obnoxious men or feel the need to prove yourself in order to be treated with respect....But you know what? You can do it!”

≈

I met Wally (“people always think I’m a man in newspaper articles!”) in Montana, as I was leaving a campground. A blue bike was leaning up against the restrooms, with a sticker on the top-tube that read, “Wild Woman.”

Wally was petite, blond, and 30ish, wore a yellow tank top, and she didn't appear at first glance to be especially wild. Then she told me where she was going.

“I’m riding this tour in three summers,” she said. “Last year I rode from Alaska to Washington, this summer I’m doing Washington to Costa Rica, and next summer I'm goin' to Chile.” Wally practically exuded self-confidence from her pores. She was bubbly and bold, and told me about a recent evening she'd spent in a bar with fifty guys and no other women. “…Everyone started pouring their drinks onto the floor around midnight," she said, laughing, "and by the end of the night it was so slippery that we'd take a running start and slide from one end of the room to the other!” In a way, Wally sounded cavalier—just like, I thought later, a man might sound if he told a wild story about something that happened to him.

But we both know that we couldn't do things in quite the same ways men could. At one point I asked her about MACE. “I carry it,” she told me quietly. I said I did, too. “Good. I mean, you shouldn’t be scared of everyone, but you shouldn’t be stupid, either.” In that short exchange, we shared an admission of our vulnerability—the continual, simmering, careful awareness through which we experience the world.

As we were leaving, Wally handed me a feather. "There was this poor owl in the road, and I thought it was a shame to let its feathers go to waste.” I accepted the gift, and rode down the hill into the shadow of a canyon, the sun shining brightly.

I stuck the feather in my handlebar bag next to my joyful girl quote, and I looked at it all morning. Wally had given me more than the feather—her exuberance and courage had given me reassurance, a tiny bit more confidence, a little more trust in myself, and one of only a few bicycling women to look up to on the trip.

Thirty Seven – What it's Like to Cycle in Hell

Linda Masters and her son Gamaliel lived in a tiny, cramped cabin built over a storage shed. Gamaliel was the same age as Jesse and me, but stood a head taller than our height of 5'7". He was nervous and self-conscious when we first arrived, but after a while he warmed up. "My mother will be home in a while," he said. "Meanwhile, c'mon in! The dogs won't hurt you if you don't bother 'em."

The Masters’ property was speckled with half-finished structures and semi trailers, which they used for storage. Their yard was filled with piles of Useful Objects and dogs who did not like visitors. There was no running water in the house, and no indoor plumbing.

"It reminds me of home!" said Jesse. "Your house is like ours was before we finished it."

"Well, ours actually was finished about three years ago," said Gamaliel. "But then we had a fire, and everything burnt up. We've been kinda lazy in fixing things since then…"

That night we camped in the yard; the dogs were tied up nearby, and Linda assured us that they would keep wild animals, such as bobcats, away from our tents.

At four o’clock the next morning, Jesse was woken up by rustling next to the tent. For a minute he didn’t move, and figured maybe it was a mouse. But then he turned his head slowly—and there, not two inches on the other side of the screen, were eyes. The eyes were set back on the catlike animal’s head, and its whiskers were fairly touching the tent. Jesse was the only one up at the moment, so he lay perfectly still, trying not to scare it. Finally it bounded away into the woods.

"…It must have been a bobcat," he said over breakfast. "Except I thought you said the dogs would keep the wild animals away!”

“Well, we actually tied them in a different place than usual last night,” said Linda. “We didn’t want them to bother you when you went to the bathroom or anything. It’s possible that a bobcat came around the edge of the driveway without the dogs noticing. It might've smelled your food—tonight you better bring the bags inside and we'll tie the dogs up closer to you.”

If I were a bobcat, I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to mess with the Masters' dogs. In fact, even though I was a human I wasn't drawn to standing real close.

≈

At three o’clock the next morning, Jesse and I stuck our heads out of our tents. It was pitch black. “I guess Linda hasn’t been up in the morning for quite awhile,” I whispered. She'd told us that the sun rose at 4:30, as far she could remember. We'd taken her word for it, since we were thoroughly disoriented from crossing back and forth from Mountain to Pacific time on the average of twice a day for two or three days. “But maybe by four-thirty it'll be light,” I added encouragingly. The image of a boiling Hell’s Canyon stood in my mind as an enormous wake-up incentive.

“Yeah right—the stars are still twinkling!” Jesse returned, and we laughed. Neither of us had been able to sleep well anyway, so why not get up? Jesse said he'd been up every half-hour or so, checking for bobcats. I just couldn’t get comfortable. Dan, however—like every morning—was sound asleep when Jesse woke him up. He kind of grunted, and rolled over.

“C’mon, Dan, it’s time to get up,” Jesse said. “It’s warm now—it never even cooled off from yesterday—so just think about how hot Hell’s Canyon's gonna be.”

“...mmpf,” Dan muttered. “Look at that, it's dark out again. Whose idea was this trip, anyway? It sure wasn’t mine, if I’d known we'd be getting up at night every morning!”

Linda and Gamaliel came out of the house in a few minutes. “I’m afraid I was off about the time,” Linda said cheerfully. “I guess maybe it doesn’t get light until five or five-thirty.” We guessed so too, taking another long look at those twinkling stars.

At 5:30 we donned reflective vests, turned on our lights, and headed through the dense forest toward Hell's Canyon. The forest started turning into wheat fields as we continued past Council, and the sun cast long shadows of our cycling selves in the fields by our sides. The road wound around and up as we headed towards the top of a 4,131-foot pass. We had a lovely tailwind as we headed up, and we hit an all-time record of pedaling fifty-one miles before eleven a.m. "We're home free!" Dan sang out. "We'll make it through the Canyon no problem!"

But it was not to be. The downgrade was extremely steep and extremely windy, and I averaged forty miles per hour. And with all my focus on steering the bike, I didn’t hear Jesse behind me, who later said he yelled “PUNCTURE!” only a mile down. Dan didn’t hear either, and the two of us sped along for four more miles before we stopped to cool our brakes and noticed that Jesse wasn't there.

We figured he’d stopped to cool his brakes further up. After ten minutes, we wondered if he'd fallen. After fifteen minutes, Dan flagged down a car heading downhill.

“Yeah, we did see a guy up about a couple miles back,” said the driver. “He was sitting on the side of the road with his wheel off. Didn’t look too good.”

“Oh great!” I said, and Dan and I looked at each other dismally. There was no way we wanted to climb back up that grade, though, and we figured that if Jesse needed us he would send a message with another car. With our formerly high spirits rather deflated, we settled down at the bottom of the hill until Jesse finally rolled in and we ate lunch. It was noon now, and it was hot even in the shade.

“I think it was all the gravel yesterday,” Jesse said, as we devoured peanut butter and crackers. “It must have weakened the tire when we skidded so many times. The problem is, the actual tire has a hole in it, not only the tube. I tried patching them both, so I'm just hoping it'll hold.”

After eating, we continued down the road and out of the forest for good. Sagebrush sprouted out of the desert-like landscape; nothing else seemed to grow too well. Then, after three miles, Jesse’s tire went “POW!” We knew at this point that we were doomed to broil in Hell’s Canyon. None of us smiling, we sat in the meager shade of some scrub brush while Jesse patched again. The heat seemed to intensify by the minute, and our water was already disgustingly hot. It was another half-hour before we mounted our bikes again—and got our first view of the Canyon.

Below us, the Snake River stretched out through the deepest canyon in North America. The sides of the gorge were red, the river an intense blue-green. The road wound around the edge of the canyon, gradually descending to the bottom and paralleling the river itself. Idaho’s Seven Devils Mountains towered above us to our right; and to our left and across the canyon loomed Oregon’s Wallowa Mountains (the “Alps of North America”).

And Hell’s Canyon lived up to its name. The heat was blistering, and we had to rest after only half a mile. The heat rose from the road, reflected off our bikes, radiated from everything in the landscape. The incessant buzz of the crickets made the air seem to ripple with heat, and my water was so hot that I could have brewed tea in it. We had only sixteen miles to go, but it was silly to try to make it now. It was hotter than the day we'd climbed White Bird Pass, and it seemed dangerous to try to ride much more.

Exhausted, we flopped onto the grass at a roadside recreation area. The maples weren't native, but I was grateful for their shade nonetheless. We barely moved ‘till after dinner, except to take a short swim in the unrefreshingly tepid water, and call home. Ken told Jesse he'd call the bike shop in Baker City to make sure they had the right size tire; if not, he said, he'd express-ship a replacement. I hoped the recumbents could make it to Baker City.

We didn't leave the rest area till 7:30, and we didn't make it to the Oregon border till late. I kept half an eye on the ever-darkening road, and then I mostly watched the sunset in my rearview mirror. And after a couple minor shifter problems (Jesse), chain derailments (Daniel), and slowness due to the headwind (me), we reached the junction of Hwy 86. It was almost nine-thirty, and it was dangerously dark—for the first time on my trip, I'd ridden at night.

Our campground was ever-so-scenically located at the edge of a dam. But scenery, at that point, was really not our top priority. In fact, we didn’t care about much besides getting our tents up and getting ourselves into them. Those two things accomplished, three exhausted teenagers fell deeply asleep in the Oregon night.

≈

The next day, my last ride with the guys, was another one of those days when everything did not go according to plan. The seventy-five-mile ride was mostly uphill, and we had a headwind all day. And Jesse, according to my approximate calculation, fixed between ten and twenty blowouts by the end of the day.

At one point, I looked down at the quote in my handlebar bag and tried to convince myself that it was true. “I do it for the joy it brings ‘cause I’m a joyful girl.” I tested the words out on my tongue. Yeah right. This is fun?? We pedaled for hours and hours, uphill past dozens of smiling sunflowers. The wind never let up for a second. The sun beat down horridly. I was so hot.

So hot—the heat was making me tired and drowsy. Maybe I could just take a nap, and wake up and discover that I was in Baker City. Maybe... My thoughts dissolved into a sort of chaotic calmness, finally becoming intent on one goal: I was going to make it, going to make it, going to make it. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, like that train in the kids' book. Pedal up, pedal up, pedal up. Make it make it make it. Pedal go up drink water I can make it do it make it… My thoughts blurred into my pedaling and became as mechanical as my cranks, turning into the wind.

At 6:30, we sank into plastic chairs inside the air conditioned Pizza a’fetta restaurant. We were all sweaty, Jesse was completely full of grease, and our hair stuck out at all angles. Before we even opened the menu, we looked at each other and almost—but not quite—laughed.

“We did it!” I said, almost—but not quite—smiling. “That's the one good that happened today.”

“Yeah,” said Jesse, non-committally.

As soon as the food came, we ate steadily. Several pizzas, lasagna, breadsticks and butter, more pasta, more bread, and finally Italian sodas. We had to stop then, even though we weren't quite full, because the place closed at eight-thirty.

We made our way blearily to the RV Park at the edge of town, and set up our tents as the sun went down. Dan crawled into his sleeping bag immediately; after showers, Jesse and I followed suit.

≈

“…Well, it’s been great riding with you,” Jesse said. It was the next morning, and I was ready to leave.

“We tried!” I said, truthfully. "And have a great week—I’ll see you in Eugene!”

“Have a good week, Big Sister,” Dan said. “Thanks for making sure I drank enough and stuff.”

And with that, I pulled out of the campground. Today began the last week of my trip; at this time next week, if all went well, I would have reached the Pacific Ocean. In this last week, I planned to do almost as many miles as I did in my first five weeks on the road. And I would be riding alone.

Thirty Eight – Pedaling Toward Self-Confidence

Margaret Conners was a math prodigy, had learned to read at two, and wrote perfect essays. She was poised and sure of herself, and by the sheer intensity of her confidence she convinced me that she knew what she was talking about. Her wavy blond hair bounced when she walked, and her clothes were always neat.

Margaret was everything I wasn’t. I disliked math, thank-you notes were the extent of my writing career, and my brown hair was straight, plain, and anything but bouncy. At eleven I was still grasping for that elusive thing called self-confidence.

But despite our differences, we became friends. We did share some hobbies, and things worked okay while we were both young enough to have a friendship based on common interests, not shared values. Besides, my relationship with my best friend Lydia was in a drifting-apart phase, our new house in the suburbs was far from everything, and I was lonely.

Because I was needy, I compromised myself. The games I wanted to play were often “silly,” so we’d play Margaret’s. My political opinions (mainly copied from my parents) didn’t jive with Margaret’s opinions (also copied from her parents), so I'd just give in after a while. The food my family ate was "weird," so instead of defending vegetarianism, I often listened silently to her sarcasm.

For all its flaws, our friendship might have muddled along for years more. But the summer we were thirteen there was the Incident at Lake Muskoday.

In August, Margaret arrived at our rented cabin with a week's worth of non-weird food.

For the first few days we did fine. We rode our bikes around the lake, slept outside in my tent, and did back dives off the raft down at the beach. Then Margaret met Jenny, the thirteen-year-old next door.

You would have thought they were long-lost best friends. When my mom called up and told us it was dinnertime, Margaret said, “Just save mine for later. I don’t wanna go back now.” The next night, Margaret suggested that we have a sleepover with Jenny in the tent.

“Cool!” I said. But there was one problem: our tents were too small for three.

“Oh, that’s okay,” Margaret assured me. “Jenny and I can sleep in the red one, and you can sleep in the other.” I was quiet, because I didn’t want Margaret to see that she had hurt me. I didn't want her to see how much I craved acceptance and friends my age.

On the last day of her visit, we went down to the lake. But ever since Margaret met Jenny, she didn’t like to go in. The bottom was too mucky, they agreed, and they preferred to sit on the dock or float on our large inner tube. Today they were floating, and, exasperated that they wouldn't come swimming, I finally climbed on too.

Inner tubes are finicky things, and the next moment, there was a splash! as I unbalanced the tube. Margaret and Jenny were shrieking about the mucky bottom.

“Sa-ra!” Margaret said angrily. “You knew we didn’t want to get wet! That was all your fault. The tube’s too small for three!”

I knew that six people had crowded onto the tube the day before, but I didn’t mention that. I said, “I guess you don’t want there to be room for me,” and I walked home, crying bitter tears when I was out of their sight.

“I’m sorry I made you upset,” Margaret said insincerely as she said goodbye that afternoon. I knew, while she continued on to say Thank You for Such a Nice Week, that she wasn’t really sorry. When I came home that summer, I didn’t call her. For three years I’d been accepting her put-downs. Three years was long enough.

As my teenage years progressed, I made true friendships that were much more wonderful and real than Margaret’s and mine had been. By seventeen I’d come a long way from the eleven-year-old who just wanted friends—any friends.

But I wanted to go farther.

≈

Before my trip, in late January 1997, I wrote in my journal:

…I need to be lonely, to live uncomfortably, to see this country in all its beauty and grossness. I feel like going away is what I need to do most right now. I need to meet different kinds of people who I can't meet at home, and interact with them even if it's hard.

What I meant was, I could stay in a sort-of-satisfactory rut at home—but I want to leave. Just like four years ago when I'd had the choice to stay in a sort-of-okay friendship, or move forward.

"In lots of cultures," I wrote in that January journal entry, "young people are initiated into adulthood with ceremonies that involve physical and emotional challenges. My culture does not offer me a rite-of-passage, so I will have to create it for myself."

In an all-too-human way, I wanted to prove to Margaret—who symbolized anyone who had made me doubt myself—that I could do something big and scary and wonderful. I wanted to prove that I wasn’t the shy, reserved girl I used to be.

I wanted to Come of Age.

Thirty Nine – Really and Truly Alone

On November 12, 1995, I turned sixteen while my friends sang to me. My friend Wendy taught everyone the song. "You can sing it whenever you need to remember how much we love you," she'd said to me. "Sing it when you need strength."

For each child that's born

A morning star rises and

Sings to the Universe

Who we are.

We are the breath of our ancestors

We are our grandfather’s prayers.

We are the breath of our ancestors

We are our grandmother’s dreams...

≈

The day I rode out of Baker City without Jesse and Daniel, I needed my song. The day was going to be almost sixty miles, with triple summits: Sumpter, Tipton, and Dixie. In between each 5,000'+-foot pass, I'd go downhill several thousand feet, which meant I'd be climbing a lot.

I left town following the Powder River, and after thirteen miles I began heading uphill more steeply. Around the next bend in the road, I faced a bizarre dwelling. A skull and crossbones on a black masthead was flying high, in front of a house with high gates in front. A green, tank-like vehicle was parked in front, and out from behind it two dogs came running, all teeth and snarls. I could have sworn that the white one had fangs, and I hadn’t seen dogs like these since Kentucky. They came at me at full-speed, and wouldn't stop, despite my best imitation of a deep-voiced yell.

For only the second time on the trip, I used my MACE on the mutts. A moment later, I pedaled like mad. Was I crazy? What if the owner of the dogs—who probably also owned that large, tank-like vehicle—had seen me? I wanted to quickly get as far away as possible.

No one came after me, but I was on edge all day. This is stupid! I told myself. You wanted to ride alone, so enjoy it, for goodness' sake!

At mile thirty, around 2:30, I reached Sumpter Summit. It was hot now, and the downhill seemed way too short. The road wound on and on. Everything was quiet. This is what you wanted, I kept reminding myself. You wanted to test your mettle. You’ve gotten yourself this far, and you're gonna do it.

Oh yeah? the nervous part of me countered—the part of myself who, before the trip, never liked physical exertion. Why? Why should I make myself do this? The bugs buzzed nearly as loudly as my internal banter. I reached Tipton summit around four o’clock.

By the time I started up Dixie, I was exhausted, mainly from gripping my handlebars like I expected them to be pulled out from under me at any moment. Cars passed infrequently now, and my imagination concocted awful, elaborate scenarios in which somebody would come along and do Something to me. "Seventeen-Year-Old Girl's Bicycle Found by Side of Highway," the headlines would read. "Lone Cyclist's Body Still Missing." My illogical mind was beginning to take over the rational side of me, and as I began the steep part of the six-mile climb to Dixie Summit Campground, I was not just nervous: I was scared.

By 5:45 I was riding through deep forest, and as the sun started to sink below the trees and mountains, it was beginning to get dark. Be quiet! I said to my imagination. Who would want to do anything to you anyway? There’s no reason to be afraid. I didn’t believe it, though. The sun had sunk below the trees completely now, and it felt dark even though there was some daylight left.

At that moment, a gray pickup truck came speeding down the mountain. There were four guys inside, all leering out the window, all hooting at me. Their laughter, derisive and shrieking, rang in my ears and echoed in the silent evening air. They passed quickly, but I was physically shaking for minutes after the last echo had slipped into silence again. All of a sudden I had something tangible to worry about, and worry I did.

Just put it into perspective, I pleaded with myself. What could they do, anyway? Cars are coming by every so often, so you’re not really alone—and even if those guys did come back, what could they do to you? Horrible images flooded my mind—I could think of plenty of things. I began scanning the trees at the roadside, looking for likely places to run if I needed to.

Then a red pickup truck came by, screaming its horn, more guys yelling out the window. Oh my God, I said to myself, and my muscles burned with exertion. The next two miles were a blur. I pedaled faster, trying not to stop, trying to make myself do something besides watch in my mirror for the return of either of the trucks. Fear had overwhelmed me. I've never been so scared, I thought dimly. The night was falling quickly, and at one point I thought hopefully that the whole thing was a bad dream. But it wasn’t.

I was pedaling much faster than usual and I was out of breath. But suddenly I made myself slow down; I forced myself to stop shaking. “Sing,” I commanded myself, out loud for extra emphasis.

For the last mile and a half, I sang My Song, over and over again, as loudly as I could. I made myself concentrate, hear the words, let them become a meditation to carry me up the hill.

For each child that's born

A morning star rises and

Sings to the Universe

Who we are.

We are the breath of our ancestors

We are our grandfather’s prayers.

We are the breath of our ancestors

We are our grandmother’s dreams...

Over and over I repeated the words, into the deepening twilight on the mountain. I sang to remember that I was strong, that I could make it. At 6:30, with tears of relief and tiredness dripping onto my handlebar bag, I turned off the main highway and rode into the National Forest campground.

The campground was deep in the woods and practically empty, and the stillness and peace of the forest made me feel safe. But more than any external force, there was something inside that comforted me that night. I had faced my fear and pushed past it, and I knew that I wouldn't have to face it again on this trip. For the first time in five months, I wasn’t riding with someone and I wasn't hoping I would soon find someone to ride with. After today, I knew I could make it alone.

The trees sang me to sleep. "We're proud of you," it sounded like they were saying. I was proud of myself.

After nearly five months of riding, I was at home on my journey.

Forty – Home on the Road

In Metal Cowboy: Tales from the road less pedaled, Joe Kurmaskie writes:

Contrary to what Dorothy learned at the end of the yellow brick road and what the IRS requires for documentation purposes, home doesn't have to be a place. It need only be something or somebody that keeps you grounded, focused, and well, sane. A spot you fill up with passion and don't mind putting a lot of work into. One true thing that you can reach for at day's end that connects you to the world. Roots.

Now I felt like my trip had roots. In the last five months I'd learned to be Home just about anywhere I pedaled. I was discovering how to connect to my world, and in the process, I was truly growing up.

≈

On my second day alone, I stayed in the church hostel in Dayville, Oregon. I signed the logbook, and read entries from people I'd come to consider my friends. Alice and Dale wrote, “Sarabeth: We’ve missed our biking buddy, and hope to see you when you get to Oregon. Remember, you’re always welcome to stay with us in Portland.” Come to think of it, maybe a visit to Portland would be fun before I went home…

On the phone that night, my brother Loren said, “Sara, guess what? Today I am exac'ly four an’ eleven-twelfths-years-old! Will you be home for my birthday?” No, I had to tell him, but soon after.

≈

The next morning, when I left Dayville at 6:00, it was almost cold. After pedaling through six miles of a jarringly bumpy road construction site, I rode through a small portion of the John Day Fossil Beds National Monument. I wasn't expecting a canyon to loom out of the high prairie, but there one was. Rocks were jagged on both sides, and the sun’s first rays illuminated the tops as I rode. I was alone with the John Day River and the cicadas, and I was supremely happy.

As I emerged into open, sagebrush-covered hillsides, I surprised myself with the strength of my legs. Because of the hills, I hadn't expected to get to the campground until late afternoon. But the wind became a strong tailwind, I cranked solidly, and I got to Ochoco Summit at 1:30, smiling. At the entrance to the campground stood a guy holding up a cardboard sign: “To Boise, please!”

“Hello,” I said.

“Hi,” he said. “Man, that bike must be heavy." He talked slowly, and his voice matched his demeanor: placidly calm. "Hey, d'you got any idea where there’s some water 'round here?”

“Well, I’ve never been here either,” I said. “But there's usually water in campgrounds.” I needed some too, so I continued up the access road and found the spigot. The man followed me, not in any hurry.

"I'm hitchin' from Eugene to Denver," he said, after scooping up some water in his hands. "An' my name's Jamie."

“I’m Sara—nice to meet you.”

We lapsed into silence. The sun was warm, and it felt good to sit still, no need to move or go anywhere.

“I went to the Rainbow Gathering last month, right near here,” he said presently.

“Oh, that’s right!” I remembered someone telling me about it. “The Gathering was in this national forest, right?”

The guy nodded. “Yeah, I guess so. Prob'ly on the other side of the mountain or somethin.' " He looked about 22. His straggly black hair hung down past his shoulders and he wore a vacant, tired look on his face. He seemed safe enough, I decided.

After awhile he got more talkative. “After the Gathering, I hitched down to San Francisco for awhile an' kicked around with some folks I met. Then I went back to Eugene and hung out there, but one night somebody stole my wallet and my backpack. I was sleepin' under a bridge someplace, an' when I woke up it was gone." Jamie seemed a little out of the loop when it came to street smarts, but I didn't interrupt him. "I was getting kinda tired of being a hobo anyway, though, an’ now all I want is to get back home. But no one’s stopped since yesterday mornin'. This woman gave me a lift from Prineville to about ten miles from here, then I walked. I’ve been trying for a ride ever since then, an' I walked seven hours yesterday. I slept in a ditch last night.”

As I started to eat some of the food that was weighing down my packs, I realized that Jamie probably hadn't brought along a picnic lunch. “Are you hungry?” I asked.

“Aw no, I’m fine. That's nice, but I had some nuts with me and some apples a guy gave me. I'm fine.”

“Are you sure?” I looked at him doubtfully. There was no way he could not be hungry. “Here—I got an extra muffin back in Mitchell, so you should have it. Also, if this cheese doesn’t get eaten it’s gonna go bad.”

“Yeah, but do you have enough?” Jamie asked. He did have some manners. “I don’t want you to run out of food 'cause of me.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “In fact, my bike is too heavy right now, and it would help if you’d eat something!” I'd concluded that I shouldn't have been so ambitious with that care package I sent ahead to Baker City.

As we chewed, we lapsed into silence again. I reflected that this must not be prime hitchhiking territory. Traffic mainly consisted of tourists going to the John Day Fossil Beds, and truckers, two groups that weren’t likely to give people rides.

“Well, thanks for the muffin—and the sandwiches," Jamie said, after a while. "I think I'm gonna give it up for the afternoon—getting a ride, I mean." He yawned. "In fact, maybe I'll head up to that campsite and take a nap…" He happened to head toward the hiker/biker sites, so I followed him up the grassy slope. Jamie settled onto a nearby picnic table, and I wrote in my journal. Birds twittered overhead, and it was comfortable in the shade.

Earlier, when I'd passed through the little town of Mitchell, the woman in the grocery store had asked if I was riding alone.

"Yup," I said gleefully.

"My goodness," she said. "I dunno, but you gals bikin'—especially when yer alone—always bring out the mother in me. I know you’re all able to take care of yerselves and everythin’ but still—I worry ‘bout you!" She rang up my groceries with forceful pecks of her index finger to accentuate how worried she got.

“Last summer, there was this gal in here ridin' with her fiancé. And I tell you, that guy really made me mad. They’d just started out a week or so ago, and this was the gal's first trip. She told me she’d never ridden much at home. The bike trip was the boyfriend’s idea." The woman was about to punctuate her story by thumping my bananas onto the counter, so I rescued them from her clutches. "Her bicycle was too heavy for her, and she was carryin' a lot and they was doin’ long days and she was really sore. That guy didn’t seem to understand that she needed a break!

“Well anyway, they was here in the store and the gal was cryin’ in the aisles, and the guy was sayin', ‘Well, if you cain’t finish something like this bike trip, how do I know you’ll be able to stick with something like a marriage??”’ I was boilin’ by that time—what kind of thing is that to say to someone you want to marry? The gal jest needed a break! She was sayin’ to him, 'I'm gonna rent a car and just go home, then!' But the closest rental place was in Redmond, sixty miles away.

“So I says to her, ‘You just stay with me and I’ll take you to get the car day after tomorrow,’ –when I was goin’ into the city anyway.

“They ended up leaving town together on Friday—she said she was gonna try to make it. I never did find out if they finished the trip or not though…”

I pedaled out of town glad to be alone.

When I'd written in my journal for an hour or so, and Jamie was still sleeping, I went to find someone official who could unlock the bathrooms. I found the campground hosts, an older couple who lived in their American-flag-draped RV with their poodle.

"Just a sec," the man said. "Lemme get my keys. I didn't know you were up there!" The poodle accompanied us back to the bathrooms, and the man talked.

First, he asked, Did I know the reason the bathrooms were locked? He didn't wait for an answer.

"It's 'cause for years people've been coming in here to use the bathrooms ‘stead of using the ones down the road—at the rest stop, ya' know. See, the bathrooms here are cleaned regularly—that's why you pay a fee when ya come here, see. Folks just don't seem to understand that. The rest stop don't get much funding for cleaning, so they're not so nice—so, folks figure they can traipse on in and use ours. ‘It’s our National Forest, it’s Public Land, and we should be able to use them!’ they say.

"But I’ll tell you something—“ the host was getting worked up—“it’s not that way anymore! The National Forest campgrounds, most of ‘em, have been privatized, and they're not free cause we need money to take care of 'em. People say how clean they are, now that the concessions run 'em. And the reason they're nicer is 'cause we don’t let anyone come in unless they pay, and we use that money to keep it nice.” He was self-righteously vehement.

I made sympathetic noises when it seemed appropriate.

The host changed the subject. "Have you heard about them Hippies we had in here last month?” He said “hippies" as if he were talking about cockroaches.

No, I said, Which Hippies?

“Well, have ya heard about that ‘Rainbow Family’ deal? They have these gathering things and last month, thousands of those Hippies were down there in the National Forest a few miles away. They’d all come in here and ask for directions and we’d tell ‘em a left here and a right there…

"And whoo-weee were they dirty! They was harassing the folks in Prineville, and the store manager at the grocery said that he had $100,000 worth of things stolen while they was in town. The owner of the Laundromat said they—them hippies—would put their clothes in the washers with no soap. Then they’d put 'em in the dryer. Four or five times a day, the owner said, she’d have to go in with a garbage can and empty those lint filters. But there wasn’t just lint in there, oh no—there was sticks and stones and bugs! Filthy, those people were, I tell you.” He grimaced, and behind him, the poodle peed on the still-locked bathroom door.

“And you know what? Some of 'em, after puttin' their clothes in the washer, would take off everything else they had on and put those clothes in too! The owner would call the police then, and say ‘Take these nudists out of here!’…”

As the host continued his diatribe, I glanced up the hill. I hoped that Jamie wouldn't show himself in the next few minutes. I had a sneaking suspicion that the host would not be happy to discover that he had a real live “Hippie” camping out for the night on one of the picnic tables—especially since I suspected that the hippie hadn't paid his camping fee.

≈

Everything was perfect—I smiled at the sunny skies as I pedaled through the John Day River Valley the next day, and 72 miles seemed to fly like the wind. I rode thirty miles to Prineville, “Central Oregon’s Oldest City,” and stopped to get an early lunch at the supermarket.

As I walked through the automatic door, I happened to glance at a notice taped to the glass. It was a memo, from the town and Forest Service officials, addressed to the Pacific Northwest Rainbow Family. The subject of the memo was the recent Rainbow Gathering.

We want to express our appreciation, the memo said, for your cooperation with USFS and city ordinances. After the Gathering, participants cleaned up the land completely and left no garbage or trash lying around… Thanks for collaboration that exceeded our expectations.

I guessed the campground host hadn't been speaking for everyone when he voiced his opinion about those Dirty Hippies.

After lunch, the air was already hot. But I didn’t care—I was enjoying every bit of the ride, and I had a pound of grapes in my handlebar bag. Thriftway had been having a .69/pound sale on grapes, and I'd eaten at least fifteen pounds since the sale went into effect. I met some cyclists as I was coming into Redmond, and I shared some grapes with them. I sang to the scrub pines, I said hello to the horses in their pastures, and I tried to see everything. I wanted to remember every bit of this last week, every little creek I passed, every person I talked to. On Friday I would reach the ocean, and I couldn't quite believe it.

≈

I was washing dinner dishes at the utility sink in Sisters when I met Ron. A tall man of 50, with eyes that never faltered once he'd focused on something, Ron was hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. He said this was his third time—he'd hiked it first when he was thirty, once when he was forty, and now he was doing it again, alone except for his dog.

“C'mon over to my campsite later,” he invited. After I’d finished cleaning up my dinner, I walked through the tall pines to his site.

“Wow—that’s an amazing backpack!” I exclaimed when I reached Ron's picnic table. His pack stood on the bench, a massive construction of black canvas and nylon and aluminum, maybe five feet long. “How much do you carry?”

“About a hundred pounds,” he replied. “But don’t forget, I have to carry my food for longer than you, and I also have to take care of my dog. He's Cooper, by the way—named after Peter Jenkins’ dog in A Walk Across America.”

“I just can’t believe you carry all that on your back,” I said at last.

“Well honestly, you seemed to have quite a load yourself this afternoon! I can’t imagine pedaling all that stuff…”

“But that’s so much easier than carrying it!”

“Personally, I think that riding is torturous. My bike and I have a disagreeable relationship, and the farthest I ride is down the street. My bicycle lives, amid cobwebs, in the corner of my garage.” We laughed, and I asked him about hiking the PCT.

Standing next to the picnic table, he towered over me as we watched the sun set. Cooper lay lazily at our feet, and Ron’s deep voice became that of an expert storyteller as he wove his tales of the trail.

“The second time I hiked the PCT, I was determined to go alone. The first time I’d started alone with my dog—same as this time—but I ended up walking most of the way with two fellows I met. We had wonderful times together, but this next time, I wanted to be solo.

"There’s quite a community on the Trail, though, so it's actually kind of hard to be alone. Maybe it's like that on the bike route you're riding, but I think we have a closer community than you do.”

“Because you’re traveling a shorter distance, more slowly?”

“Yeah, something like that. There's only one path, so we're all constantly overlapping with each other and camping together. Like I said, it's just hard to hike alone—though that’s truer on the Appalachian Trail than on the Pacific Crest. The PCT isn’t as crowded.

"Anyway, as I hiked, I started to see a lot of two people: a mother and her sixteen-year-old son, who were hiking together. They walked slower than I did, but I’d come back to the trail from a couple days in town and I’d meet up with them again. This happened for a couple weeks. Neither of them were good hikers—and in fact, they’d done hardly any training and the son was especially overweight, white and puffy and always out of breath. He'd been doing badly in school, evidently, and his mother thought it would be good for his self-image to hike the PCT. They didn’t know much about backpacking at all. Anyhow, at one point I camped with them for a few nights, and then I went ahead into a town for several days.

“When I’d hitched back to the trailhead, I was surprised to see the two of them standing there—and even more surprised when the woman told me she was going home. ‘I twisted my ankle yesterday,’ she told me, ‘and there’s no way I can hike on it for a while. I think I sprained it…’

"I helped her and the boy back into town so she could see a doctor. You do stuff like that for people you've met on the trail. But that's when the woman turned to me with a most unusual request. ‘Will you take my son with you when you go back onto the trail?’ I thought she was joking. ‘Really. I so want Brian to finish out the hike—I think it will be good for him, and I’ve watched you for the last two weeks. I trust you.’

“I couldn’t bend my mind around it at first. But she was pleading, and I said, ‘Well, does Brian want to do it?’ Brian said he did, nodding his head quickly.

“ ‘What the hell?’ I thought to myself. It took me only that moment to make up my mind that I would do it, though to this day I’m surprised that I did. To Brian, I said, ‘You've got to realize that I’ll be in charge of you for the next several months…’ He said he understood. ‘You have to want to do this hike more than you’ve ever wanted to do anything. You know that I’m a fast hiker—Brian, I will not slow down. You will have to keep up with me—or go home. I will not wait. I will not coddle you. I will not tolerate complaining.’ I looked him squarely in the eyes and he looked back steadily.

“ ‘I want to do it,’ he said quietly. The next day, we left after helping his mother onto a bus home.

“For the next three months we hiked together. Brian had an incredibly hard time at first, and I called him my Pillsbury Doughboy because he looked like one. It made him angry that he couldn’t keep up with me, and little by little his determination to beat me turned him into an excellent hiker. Over the next three months he kept to his word, too—there was no complaining. At first, when he was mad about my faster pace, he would slip into silence for a day or two at a time. But gradually, there was a transformation. At the end of the hike he was not my Pillsbury Doughboy any more. He was self-assured. He had lost at least sixty pounds, and he was tan and slim and strong and could hike almost as fast as I could.

“His mother met us at the end, and she had tears in her eyes. ‘How can I ever thank you?’ she said. There was no way she could.

"Now Brian’s in college, I hear, and engaged to be married. He did wonderfully in school after our hike, his mother wrote, and he still sends me cards at Christmas…” Ron trailed off, slipping into a reverie. Presently, he sat down on the bench opposite me.

“What is your philosophy of life?” he asked abruptly, leaning over the table towards me. “What guides you to make decisions? What makes your life meaningful—what is important to you?” His eyes were gray-green, focused intently on me, and our conversation began a new tack.

"What do you mean, 'philosophy'?" I asked.

"Here—I'll start by telling you mine. It covers everything: 'Do unto others what you would have others do unto you.' It is simple, but it's enough for one lifetime. My friend John's philosophy is, 'Be nice to people.' I've told him that I don't agree with it.

" 'But Ron,' he says, 'it's the same as yours!' I tell him no, it isn't. You can't always be nice to people when you're doing unto them what you would have them do unto you!" Ron laughed, and moonlight glinted in his eyes. "Does that make sense?" His eyes were on me now, so strong I almost had to look away.

"Yeah, I guess so—I mean, I agree that you can't always be nice. But I've never really thought about a 'philosophy of life' before. Why do you think it's important?"

"I don't just think it's important, Sarabeth—I know it's important. If you don't have a philosophy, then you just spend your whole life searching for one. It's what guides your decisions. You, I think, probably have a philosophy but don't know what it is yet.

"Your philosophy should always hold true. If you're in a difficult situation, your philosophy will guide you—if it's a good one. If it doesn't stand up to the test, then you know you have to refine it. I know people who just believe in God and the Bible—and they think that's philosophy enough. But the Bible is full of contradictions! Have you ever read it?"

No, I said, not all of it.

"Well, you can get whatever philosophy you want out of that book. That's where I got mine, actually, but I don't believe in God. I believe in taking charge of my destiny." Ron changed the subject again. "What's it going to be like to end your trip?"

"Uh—what do you mean? That’s another thing I don't know!"

"Haven't you thought about it, at least? You said you're going to a camp—have you thought about how you're going to deal with your friends who haven't seen you since before your left? There are going to be folks who treat you like a hero, and some people who will be jealous…"

"Jealous?" I interrupted. "I don't think anyone would be—what's there to be jealous of?"

"Plenty." Ron looked at me. "You don't know…" He trailed off for a minute. "Do you know what some people would give to have what you have? Most people never even come close. I've met very few young ladies like you—some man will be very lucky someday! Make sure you think about it, Sarabeth—think about the end. Figure out what you've learned from your trip. Find your philosophy of life. Don't let go of your journey when it's done. Don't slip backward, ever, and accept mediocrity.

“Most of all," Ron said. He said it like it was a sentence all by itself. "Most of all, treasure this journey. It's your First Trip. Oh sure, I know you've traveled before—but this is different. Any trip you take after this might be very wonderful, but it will never be the same. Enjoy it while you can, 'cause you never get another First Journey…”

Ron's words were like pinpricks into an unexplored balloon. Suddenly I had more to think about than I ever could in the three days before I reached the ocean.

We talked until past midnight, the darkness settling around like a velvet curtain, so softly that I barely even noticed it.

≈

I reached the top of McKenzie Pass at nine o'clock the next morning—the last real pass of my trip. I enjoyed every minute of the climb, every rustle in the trees, every scurry of the chipmunks in the suddenly lush undergrowth. The lava at the top of McKenzie pass surprised me, since I hadn't read the "field guide" section of my map lately. The tiny road wound through a black, rocky landscape where nothing had been able to grow for thousands of years. In the distance I could see Mount Washington and Mount Jefferson. Last summer I'd seen them from an airplane—this summer, I rode my bike here.

Coming down the pass was truly awe-inspiring. Emerging from the blackened lava flows, the steep, amazingly windy road descended almost 4,000 feet in twenty miles. As I sped around sharp corners, stopping every few minutes to cool my brakes, the landscape morphed several times. I rode from just below the alpine zone—the timberline—to the sub-alpine meadow zone, and then down into a mountain forest of silver firs, western hemlocks and western red cedar. Then came the rainforest, where ferns lent their special fragrance to the air as I continued my lesson on, so said my maps, “the geographical distribution of vegetation." The air was quiet and cool and even the road seemed to fit right into the landscape. Life was beautiful.

Later, I wrote in my journal, and tried to answer some of Ron's questions from the night before. But I couldn't really—not now. My philosophy of life—its articulation in words, anyhow—would have to wait until after my trip. For now, I was absorbing my world and my journey, and I was almost at the ocean.

≈

The next morning, I left the campground as soon as it was light. I fairly flew the 55 miles to Eugene, which, with a population of 120,000, was the largest city on the TransAm.

With the help of a Federal Express truck driver, I found Grace Llewellyn's address on the map. Grace's Not Back To School Camp had been the catalyst for my trip back in 1996, and today I wanted to ride up to her house on my bike. I hoped she liked surprises.

I could barely contain my impatience at red lights, and the half-hour jaunt through town seemed like hours. 147… 148… There it was! Almost trembling with excitement, I leaned my bike against a tree in the yard and walked up the front path.

No one answered, but through sliding glass door I saw Grace’s husband Skip on the deck in the back yard. I forced myself to walk slowly, and went around the house to the back yard.

“Hello!” I said. Skip turned with a start.

“Sarabeth! Well hello! Let me go and get Grace—come on inside." He went inside and yelled up the steps, “Grace! Sarabeth’s here.” As if I just happened to pop in every day. “Grace?”

“Yeah—you mean she’s on the phone?”

“No, she’s here—in our living room!” Grace was coming down the steps two at a time, and I saw her smile only an instant before we were hugging each other.

“It’s so good to see you!” she was saying, over and over again. “You really made it.”

“I did…” I couldn’t say much.

“Do you need anything? Are you hungry? Do you want some water?”

“No—really, all I'd like are some hugs.”

≈

On August 15, I headed out of Eugene toward the coast.

It was only just starting to hit me. As of that evening, I would have pedaled across the entire country. 4,700 miles. Me. The one who never liked physical exertion. But really, I thought, as I sweated over the coastal mountain range, I never knew what physical exertion was before this trip.

Physical exertion wasn't riding my bike in circles around my hometown. It was facing a headwind and a mountain and twenty-five more miles, when it was getting late and I was in the middle of nowhere. When I had to keep going, because I had set myself this challenge and I was going to go through with it. When I had to make it because I didn't give myself another choice. It wasn't about courage or strength then—it was just one pedal stroke at a time, one more inch up the mountain. When I went on, even when I thought I couldn't, that was physical exertion—I'd learned from experience.

≈

It was with a strange calmness that I pedaled the final 75 miles of my cross-country trip. I was in a daze as I counted down at the end: “12-11-10... 3-2-1...”

Now I could see the sign that said “Florence, Oregon.” I wondered if I had imagined the trip, and that maybe I'd wake up in another minute. But I was most certainly in Florence. Right beyond the dunes on the far side of town was the ocean. The ocean. The other side of America. I wouldn't get to the beach till tomorrow, because it would be dark soon and the campground was six miles south. But this was it. I called my family from a pay phone in Florence at 5:20 p.m.

Really, though, I told myself, I’m not really done. When I get to the ocean tomorrow, that’s when I’ll have finished.

When I emerged from the phone booth, tears were falling unceremoniously off my nose and I couldn't decide what to do next. The sun cast long shadows over town as I rode aimlessly around the block a few times; I finally decided to head straight for the campground. I could live without fresh vegetables tonight. Then, I spied a couple on loaded touring bikes.

“Hey!” I yelled, relieved to have something besides The End to think about. “Hey!” When the light turned green, I crossed the highway.

I assumed that somehow I’d missed seeing them in the last few days. “Did you just come from Virginia?” I asked. My question seemed to confuse them, however, and so I ungrammatically rephrased it. “Where’d you come from?”

That seemed to fluster them still further, until after a moment the man confused me by answering, “…North!”

“North?”

“What did you mean about Virginia?”

“I mean, have you just ridden cross-country too?”

“Uh…”

“Are you riding the TransAmerica Trail?”

After a long, awkward pause, the man suddenly relaxed, laughed and said “OH—no, we’re riding down the coast!” In my excitement at reaching the end of my bike trip, I’d forgotten that not everyone was on the same journey.

I camped in Honeyman State Park, my emotions all confused. “I’ll think about it tomorrow, when I get to the ocean,” I promised myself. Then I slept, in the forest in my last campsite.

≈

The next morning dawned gray and cloudy, and when I woke up I thought it was still night time.

My morning routine was so familiar that I didn’t have to think about it, which was a good thing, since I couldn’t think clearly. It was six miles to the beach access from the campground, and as I rode, I tried imagining that this was any old day. Any old normal-extraordinary day, another day when the unexpected would surely happen, another day of my bike trip across the country.

But it wasn’t. It was the end. In a few minutes I could see the dunes. In another few minutes, as Jeff would have said, I couldn’t pedal any farther west without pontoons. I started smiling as I leaned my bike up, and with measured care, took off my shoes so that I wouldn’t get sand into my cycling cleats. Then there was no excuse, and I began walking towards the dunes, then skipping, and then I was running, running, running up the slippery sand, running because I couldn’t stop. When I scrambled to the top and caught sight of the ocean I was laughing and crying at the same time. I ran to meet the sea, not really believing anything until I felt its shocking coldness on my body.

“I do it for the joy it brings ‘cause I’m a joyful girl…” My voice was still and calm and laughing and dancing over the roar of the surf.

My last journal entry was three words:

“I did it!”

Part Four – And by the Way, I’m in Love

Forty One – The End and A Beginning

After I reached the coast in August 1997, I spent a month visiting friends and going to camp. On September 15, I took Dale and Alice up on their offer and visited them in their home in Portland, Oregon. The next morning Alice drove me to the airport and I flew back to New Jersey.

“So I’m home,” I wrote in my journal when I’d been back for a week, “and I’m happy to see everyone—but I’m so overwhelmed! All of my emotions and feelings have been stirred up, mixed around, thrown up in the air, dragged across the country, and haven't even begun to settle into any kind of order. I thought I’d be different when I got home, somehow—not so confused. But what now? What next? Why did I do the trip anyway? What did I learn? What are my goals?

“Any normal person," I scolded myself, "would have come back a Changed Woman—she would be inspirational and a true role model, just like they are in the books. She would get along well with her family, she would know how to help all her friends with their problems and celebrate their joys—and of course, this elusive person-who-I’m-not would have a goal all set in her mind into which she would channel her newly gained strength and courage. This trip should’ve caused my self-esteem grow as high-as-the-sky, and instead I want to dry up.

“Maybe someday I’ll look back at myself and I’ll laugh. ‘Oh, the trials of being 17,’ perhaps I’ll say, ‘Oh, you were a silly goose!’ Maybe all this confusion is one more mountain to climb before I reach the end of my trip."

There's a Yiddish word that transliterates roughly as "fershtumalt." It means confused, mixed up, flustered, and altogether overwhelmed. I had never been so fershtumalt in my life.

≈

A week after camp, partly because I was so nervous about The Future, I accepted a job at our local food co-op. At the time it seemed like a good idea—I’d have something to focus on and a way to earn money while I somehow figured out my “real” goals. I was scared that if I had no plans at home, I'd fall into old routines without moving ahead.

But the job wasn't very fulfilling—the work was the same work I had been doing before I left, and as the Autumn wore on, the familiarity became less and less fun and exciting. “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” So the saying goes, and for the three months after my trip ended, I was doing what I’d always done.

≈

On November 12, 1997, I turned 18. I went for a walk in the woods with my friend Erica, and as we tramped out of the forest, crunching on leaves into the autumn sunset, my dark cloud of depression disappeared as mysteriously as it had come.

I began smiling more and snapping at my little brothers and sister less. I gave notice at the food co-op, and instead began giving piano lessons and tutoring. I started to plan a trip to Europe with my friend Emily for the fall of ’98. And I began to write about my cross-country journey.

Nothing changed except my attitude. I didn’t have any more long-term goals than I'd had before, but I had lost my fear of not having them. “I like being eighteen,” I wrote in my journal in late November. “And not once since my birthday has that despairing, awful, helpless depression seized hold of my soul. Three months after reaching the coast, I feel like I've finally finished.”

≈

But I hadn’t really finished. Not yet. “There is one more important point to think about,” I wrote in my journal that autumn. “In all those travel-adventure books the hero or heroine finds romance: where do I find mine?”

Back in October, a letter had arrived from Jeff Amaral.

9/25/97

Sarabeth,

Greetings from Connecticut! Sadly, the bicycle adventure is finally over, and I’m spending some time with my family here before I have to go back to Virginia to find an apartment and get back to my job.

I can’t believe the trip is over. So many months on the road, and I wish I was still out there. As I busy myself re-registering my car, closing out my bank account, and sorting through the amazing amounts of crap I cleared out of my old apartment in Virginia, I daydream of throwing a few things in my panniers and just riding away.

Wyeth and I had plenty of excitement during our ride to the coast. Our ride to Florence was nice, and fairly standard by that point—a little headwind, two flats for Wyeth (it’s true! Just like the first day we rode with you out of Carbondale, Illinois), and plenty of blackberries to munch on whenever we stopped to use the roadside facilities…

From Florence, we tried to find the quickest way to the water, but before we got to the north jetty, in a display of uncanny timing, my back derailleur cable broke. It was getting dark by the time I fixed it, so we retreated to a motel and went back the next day. We hit the coast at around 4,700 miles and turned south to head down toward San Francisco.

We camped that night at Honeyman State Park, and amazingly, we were joined by Ron Johnson, who we met along with his wife, Karen, in Grand Teton. Karen went back home to San Francisco from Jackson, and Ron—after we parted ways with him at Madison Junction campground in Yellowstone—went up through Missoula to Glacier National Park and to Vancouver, and then down the Pacific Coast. I was flabbergasted to see him roll up with his bike at Honeyman.

So we ended up riding with him for a couple of days. (One of them “our style” –rise at 8, ride by 9:30, go 50 miles or so; one of them “Ron style” –rise at 5:30, ride by 7, go 80 miles or so. I prefer our style.) Our joking and singing made the hills, the steepest since the Ozarks, easier to climb, and the headwinds, which were supposed to be tailwinds, more bearable. We had 4 or 5 days of such headwinds, after everybody on the planet told us that the wind always blows north to south on the Pacific Coast. We proved them wrong.

Actually, I think the strange winds were caused by El Nino, the climatic phenomenon that also warmed the Northern California ocean waters enough so that they were catching sorta-tropical fish like Mahi-Mahi off the coast of San Francisco.

The Oregon and Northern California coastline is stunning. I hope you got a chance to see some of it before you came back east. Hell, for all I know, you’re riding down to Mexico.

The day we parted ways with Ron, Christophe, a Frenchman we met in Yellowstone and then bumped into outside Yellowstone and then again in Missoula, caught up to us. He led us on a merry chase. His cross-country trek had already taken him all over the northern US and parts of Canada, and well over 5,200 miles. He was riding 90 mile days, pulling a B.O.B. trailer overloaded with 76 pounds of stuff (that’s 6 pounds over the limit), including 10 t-shirts, a broken rim, and an aluminum baseball bat! He stood going up hills, and pedaled going down them. He passed us while we were finishing lunch, and we chased him for 6 miles, as fast as we could go, and couldn’t close the gap. We gave up at the California border, because we wanted to take pictures at the sign. When some folks in a car pulled up to do the same, we sent them ahead to tell Christophe to stop. Lucky for us, they even spoke French!

We rode with him the rest of the way to Crescent City, CA, and when we woke to rain the next day, Christophe proclaimed, “Today, no bike!” and we spent a day there.

Christophe departed the next day for parts south—San Diego was his destination—and Wyeth and I headed out a little bit later (of course), and rode up a big hill smack dab into giant Redwood trees. We spent several days riding through these incredibly indescribable trees, and pictures and words still fail to convey the amazing sensation of being in their presence. If you’ve never seen them, you must, and I can’t think of a better way than by bicycle.

While we were “ooo-ing” and “ahhh-ing” at the big trees along the Avenue of the Giants, we were playing campground tag with bicycle tourists from all over the world. At one campground, there was: Marc and Norman, from Germany; Jesus, from Mexico; Russ, from England; and three Americans, whose names I forget, except for “The Green Man,” who dressed in green and rode a green bike. I don’t know why, and I was afraid to ask.

We all ended up camping and sometimes riding together for several days, and had a blast. We went swimming at Manchester State Park, and, thanks to the water-warming effects of El Nino, ran out of the water screaming and shivering, instead of washing up on the shore dead of hypothermia. We rode up a hill steep enough to make me stand in my granny gear (and you know how low my granny gear is), shouting, “I can’t do it, Captain! Any more and she’ll blow!” Incidentally, we were imitating Scotty from Star Trek. Please tell me you’ve heard of Star Trek.

Our international crew split just outside San Francisco, and Wyeth and I ended up riding over the Golden Gate bridge with Joseph, from Switzerland, and a guy named Greg, who rode into camp from who knows where the day before.

We stayed with Ron and Karen, our friends from the Tetons, at their apartment in Redwood City. They could not have been more gracious, considering we’d met them only a month or so before.

The great bicycling team of Wyeth and Jeff parted ways in Redwood City. We boxed up and shipped Wyeth’s bike from Karen and Ron’s, and Wyeth went north with a friend to do some camping.

I soloed it the last two days down to Carmel, home of my cousin, Marty, and his wife, Annabelle. My solo ride was actually quite nice. It was good to be back on the shoreline again, and on my first day alone I actually ended up going right through Santa Fe (I made it there by 2pm) and stopping after 80 miles in Aptos. It’s amazing how far you can ride when you leave early in the morning! I even had enough time left in the day to hang out at the beach, and go for a swim (thanks, El Nino!) in waters teeming with dolphins and sea lions. Since Wyeth had the tent, I stayed at the Rio Sands Motel, where I hot-tubbed with a very nice young woman.

The next day was an easy ride into Carmel, and on the way I caught up to a couple of guys (one on a recumbent) who steered me down the right roads. I climbed one bastard of a hill leaving the Monterey Bay waterfront and heading to my cousin’s house, but it was all downhill from there. To my cousin’s doorstep, I logged 5,504.3 miles from Yorktown, VA. Plus or minus.

And now, the answer to the question everybody asked Wyeth and me all across the country: I got home by airplane. I took a bus to L.A., and flew to JFK in New York, where my family tearfully met me.

I’ve finally seen all but the last roll of slides from our trip. They came out quite nice, but Wyeth and I have some serious sorting to do, as well as some serious cash to lay down to have them duplicated. Four hundred slides at 60 cents a slide is…well…a frighteningly large amount of dough…

I have a feeling I won’t stay in Virginia for a very long time. Anyone up for a European Tour in 1999? Was it really just a couple of months ago that we saw you? Time and distance have taken on some strangely elastic proportions for me. I hope that you made it home safely, and that your life’s journey continues to be filled with excitement. You are an inspiration, and I have this feeling that someday people will exclaim, “You know Sarabeth Matilsky!?”

“Oh yes,” I’ll say. “I joined her for a quarter of her cross-country bicycle trip. She mentioned me in her first book.”

So long for now. Be well,

Jeff

I read the letter, tucked the pages back into their envelope, wrote back promptly, and didn’t hear from Jeff for four months.

≈

Meanwhile, Emily and I continued our plans for our European adventure. I got Spanish language tapes, we each bought guidebooks, and we decided to fly into London in September. We had some vague ideas of where we wanted to go, but mostly, we thought, it would just be fun to take an open-ended trip.

≈

On February 2, another letter arrived from Jeff, who was now living in Alexandria, Virginia.

1/31/98

Sarabeth,

Greetings and salutations. Happy New Year! Although, like you (I think) I don’t really feel like it’s a new year until spring. However, that last two digits did change, and it boggles my mind to think that in less than two years all four will roll over.

…So life hasn’t returned to normal for you, eh? Join the club. Wyeth and I have been feeling the same way. Here’s how I explained it to him:

For most of my waking hours lately I’ve been walking around in sort of a detached, semi-euphoric state. I hum a lot, and sing loudly in the shower and car. I feel sort of separate from the events around me, like I’m watching from a distance. People run around frantically at work, fooled into believing that what they’re doing is really important, when I can see that it is not. I could be wrong about that, but that’s how I feel.

There are bigger and better things in life than the little things most of us dwell over everyday. There are very few things that we really need. Family and friends are all that really matter. Life is short, enjoy it while you can. Those are some of the clichéd secrets of life that I only really learned last summer. I hope I don’t forget them, as I am already forgetting the details of the rest of the trip.

I didn’t get your last letter until after the new year, because I had moved out of my cousin’s house and into a new apartment. I finally got over there a few weeks ago to visit and get some mail. Now I’m the procrastinator. I started this letter last weekend and am now finishing it a week later. (Too many people have stopped writing to me because I was late writing back to them and by the time I did, they’d moved. I gotta stop doing that. Hope you didn’t move in the last couple of months.)

I understand what you mean about having flashbacks of Kansas supermarkets. My particular post-trip manifestation, aside from feeling like a visiting space alien at work, happens when I’m brushing my teeth or taking a shower. I’m actually getting sick of doing those things in the same place every day. When I think of all the different places I took a shower, or sinks (assuming there was one) that I brushed my teeth over, I get nostalgic for the open road.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve had a few “cycling” dreams. They are always very pleasant. In one, I was just pedaling along through the Clearwater National Forest in Idaho. Just last night (I swear) I dreamt I was zooming down a hill on my bike, passing some unidentified other cyclists. I was in the “Supertuck” position. Remember that? I’d almost forgotten, which is surprising, since I almost crashed while doing it.

How’s work at the co-op? Are you saving up for the next adventure? I am. My company let me take six months off once, so I think they’ll let me do something like that again. They’re pretty cool. When I got back from the trip, another company offered me a job for a lot more money, and my current employer matched it, so I stayed. Aside from repairing my lame car, that money is going in the bank for another bike tour.

So here’s my tentative plan:

- Spring or fall 1999: Cross the U.S. once again, this time West to East. I’d like to start from where I left off last time, near San Francisco, and see Utah, Arizona, etc.

- 2001: EUROPE. France! Germany! The Netherlands!

After that, I don’t know. Whadya say? I’m trying to talk Wyeth into the Southern ride in ’99, but he’s been pretty non-committal. Interested? I’ve never ridden solo for such a long trip, and based on the accounts of others we met on the road (including you and Roel), my preference is to ride with as many people as possible. But I’d consider going solo—I can see some attraction to that…

So that’s about it. Nothing much is really happening. I miss the dizzying rush of new experiences from last summer. My new apartment is all right. No roommates, which is good and bad at the same time. It’s only about 10 miles by bike to D.C., so if you’re ever in the area, give me a call.

I think I’m gonna go to Northeast Recumbents in New Jersey in the spring, and I’ll be driving to Connecticut sometime soon, so I’ll let you know when so we can visit and see each other’s photos. I hope you are happy and healthy. Give my best to your family.

Jeff

≈

The day I got Jeff’s letter, I called him. The phone rang a few times. Then, “Hello?” said the deep, pleasant voice at the other end of the line. Suddenly, my stomach did a few strange flip-flops.

“Hi…um, Jeff? It’s Sarabeth Matilsky…”

We talked for three hours. Afterwards, I bounded up the stairs to my parents’ room, where they were reading in bed.

“Hey, Mom and Dad! Guess what?! I just talked to Jeff Amaral—from the trip, remember?—and he’s gonna come visit us in April, if that’s okay with you! We’re gonna do Bike New York together, that big ride in New York City!”

“Hear that, Ruth?” my dad said teasingly to my mom. “A boy is coming to visit our daughter? I don’t know…”

“Oh dad, it’s not like that,” I protested. “We’re just friends!”

But when I went to bed that night, my stomach was still strangely full of butterflies.

The next morning, I went for a frigidly cold bike ride down to the park, and I thought about Jeff the whole time. He was so much fun, and he’d been so nice to me on the trip. Memories came flooding back, of riding through the Ozarks, camping in city parks, staying up, laughing, late into the night. It was going to be fun to see him again. Idly, I wondered if Jeff would want to homeschool his kids if he ever had any. I couldn’t have kids with someone who didn’t want to homeschool them, I thought. But I bet I could explain it to him...

“What are you talking about?” I said out loud, a moment later. “Who’s talking about having kids with anybody?!”

I wasn’t really serious about the having kids part. But after thinking about Jeff for a few minutes more, as I pedaled down the bike path in a somewhat zombie-like state, I realized something. For the first time in my life, I had a serious crush on someone.

≈

He arrived on a Saturday in April, and it was like two disparate parts of my life came together for the first time. The bike trip had been, up till now, so separate from and different than my life at home with my family. Yet here Jeff was, not at some picnic table in a city park in Missouri, but sitting on the couch, chatting with my mom, joking with my brothers. It wasn’t unpleasant to have him around at all, though I did wish that my stomach would stop that annoying flip-flopping.

Bike New York is the largest bike touring event in the country. Every spring, between thirty and forty thousand cyclists converge in Battery Park in Manhattan and ride 40 miles through the Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn and into Staten Island via the Verrazano Narrows Bridge. Major roads are closed until early in the afternoon, so if you get to the starting line early enough you have the rare chance to pedal on car-free highways.

The problem was that the operative word is “early.” I remembered all too well how Jeff hated to get up in the morning, so I had Sunday’s schedule planned out carefully. We’d get up around four, leave around five, and that way we’d be able to park in Staten Island, take the ferry over to Manhattan, and get into the massive queue of cyclists by six a.m.

Somehow, we did it. I staggered downstairs at four o’clock, woke up Jeff who was sleeping on the couch, and we ate breakfast quickly. We loaded our bikes onto Jeff’s car, and drove out into the still-pitch-black morning.

My dad had given us directions, but since I knew the first part of the route by heart I didn’t bother checking the map. We chatted until we got on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then Jeff asked, “Okay, now what? When do I get off?”

“Um, Jeff?” I said, after one last check to make sure I really didn’t have it. “I think I, um, forgot the map.” Great. Now he’ll think I’m a total ditz.

“Oh…okay. Does the New York map have any detail?”

“Just a sec. I’m checking” I rummaged in my bag. The state map wasn’t in there either. And then I had a horrible realization. My helmet was back at home too. “Um, Jeff? You’re going to think I’m a total ditz, and I’m not always like this, but I left my helmet at home…” Oh my God, how stupid could I be?! He must be thinking that I’m one of the least intelligent women he’s ever met. This is one of the worst weekends ever. I’m so stupid. Oh my God I can’t believe I left my stupid helmet at home!

We might have made it without the map, but I wasn’t about to ride for forty miles on pot-holed roads with thousands of potentially-maniacal cyclists without a helmet. Thankfully, Jeff was nice about it. “I’ll take the first exit and we can go back for it. We’ve got plenty of time.”

The problem was that, when we exited onto the silent streets of some town at the edge of NJ, called something like Humperdink, we couldn’t figure out how to get back on the highway. “Maybe that way,” I suggested, “or over there.” As we drove around in ever-widening circles and zig-zags, we started to get more and more confused about which way we were heading. Then finally, “Back that way!” I said, pointing around the corner. “That must be the highway.” Jeff swung a U-turn as the traffic light turned red. That’s when the silence of the morning was broken by sirens.

Jeff pulled over to the curb and the blinking lights of no fewer than three police cars spilled out into the blackness. Their headlights shone in and reflected off the rearview mirror, lighting up Jeff’s face as he rolled down his window. A pudgy, red man in uniform looked down at us.

“Excuse me, Officer,” Jeff said, very polite, “but we were wondering if you can tell us how to…ah…get back onto the highway?”

The officer looked down his nose sternly. “License and registration.” Jeff reached into the glove box. “First, sir, I’m wondering if you can tell me why you drove through two red lights back there.”

Jeff handed him the papers. “Two red lights, Officer? I thought they were yellow…”

As a fourth police car pulled up (Humperdink’s police force evidently didn’t get much business on Sunday mornings), the officer handed Jeff a ticket and sent us on our way. The highway entrance was two blocks ahead, and as the sun started to come up, we headed back toward my house with the dreadful ticket on the dashboard.

I sat in the passenger seat, severely embarrassed. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t forgotten both the helmet and the map, we wouldn’t have been so confused and Jeff wouldn’t have driven through that red light. I better forget about having a crush on Jeff—he’s probably not going to want to even see me again after this weekend, let alone like me in that way!

≈

But despite all the odds, we made it to the Bike New York starting line—a little late, but who cared, at that point? I didn’t. It turned out to be a gorgeous day, and as Jeff and I pedaled down the center lane of the Brooklyn/Queens Expressway, along with 40,000 other bicyclists, I could almost forget the horrible morning.

“It’s just like we’re back in Kansas, riding down Highway 96,” I said. “Remember? Can you believe it’s almost a year since then?”

“Yeah, exactly like Kansas except that it’s New York City, and there aren’t any wheat fields, and there are a few more people,” said Jeff, as we looked out over the teeming mass of cyclists that stretched as far as we could see.

Later that afternoon, pleasantly tired from the longest ride either of us had taken in months, Jeff and I went out to dinner. I was still embarrassed about forgetting the map and my helmet, and I figured the odds of Jeff liking me “that way” were now close to nil, but my stomach was still doing all those flip-flops. I thought they must nearly be audible. We talked and talked, about Wyeth and friends and how some relationships seemed like they’d changed after the trip.

Then, “Have you seen ‘When Harry Met Sally’?” Jeff asked.

Of course I hadn’t—my knowledge of pop-culture (my “pop-culture impairment,” as Jeff called it) was no better now than it had been on the cross-country trip.

“Well, there’s one part of the movie where this guy says that men and women can’t be just friends—after they get to a certain point, one or the other will get romantically attracted to the other, you know?” He sounded like he expected an answer or a comment or something.

For the first time in my life, I thought that such a generalization might have some basis in fact, after all. But I can’t exactly say so! I thought. If I say “Yeah, I think that’s true,” then I’ll have to admit that currently I have a huge crush on Jeff. But if I say that I don’t think it’s true, then that would be saying that I don’t have a huge crush on him, which I do… It certainly was a conundrum.

I sort of blushed and stuttered out, “Well, maybe yeah, in some cases. I dunno…” And then the subject evaporated, for another few months.

≈

After the Bike New York weekend, I tried to stop thinking about Jeff so much. “It’s not like something could happen between us,” I kept telling myself. “He’s ten years older than I am, and I’m sure he thinks I’m just a kid. I’m just glad that he still wants to be my friend after that embarrassing weekend…”

In May, I wrote Jeff a letter and sent it to him along with the seat pack he’d left at my house in New Jersey after Bike New York. I sent him a money order for $50, too, to cover my half of the traffic ticket. Also, I enclosed some excerpts from my trip journal, along with a copy of “The Teenage Liberation Handbook.” (If it turned out that Jeff did want to have kids some day, at least I could try to make sure that he knew about the benefits of homeschooling. Not that Jeff’s future kids concerned me. Of course they didn’t. Those hypothetical children concerned me not in the least.)

A few weeks later, a letter arrived in Prattsburgh, NY where I was staying with my family for the summer.

5/25/98

Sarabeth,

I received all of your pieces of mail, and I appreciate them all…Thanks also for returning my saddlebag and assorted stuff. Somewhere in the chaos I call my apartment are your Trek tire levers. If I can find them, they will accompany this letter. If not, I’ll find you some new ones.

I enjoyed your riveting expanded journal. You made me laugh—most often with your descriptions of dogs; cry, at your description of Lou and Rose; and basically relive parts of my journey.

I’m looking forward to Part II, since I really liked observing our common experiences from your perspective. Most people don’t like to admit it, but few of us can resist looking at our reflections when we pass something reflective. Likewise, it’s a guilty pleasure for me to read your descriptions of Wyeth and me and events we all shared.

I mean, I had no idea you were so exhausted when we reached Centerville, or that my jokes and Wyeth’s and my presence made such a difference. Thanks. Now I’ll never utter a serious word again!

Another interesting thing is seeing where our memories differ. I recorded a slightly different series of events in my journal regarding our day at Jam-Up cave in Missouri. We should compare notes with Wyeth to see if we can get a third version.

It’s this very volatility of memory that bothers me the most. Every day a little more of the trip gets jumbled up or disappears completely… I guess that’s not such a cheery thought. But it shows me how much more incredible experience itself is than the memory or thought of an experience.

5/31

As usual, I’m finishing this letter some days after I started…I went on a canoe trip down the Rhappahanoc (I just mutilated the spelling there) today, which was great fun. We were out somewhere near Fredricksburg, and the rolling hills, farmland, Baptist Churches and quiet roads reminded me (like seemingly everything does) of last summer. And our swim in the water made me think of Jacks Fork River in Missouri.

One think I learned (or relearned): canoeing is fun! I started to really get the hang of steering my way around the rocks in the Class I rapids. (“Class I Rapids” = Current Swift Enough To Actually Move the Vessel Without Paddling.) I can’t wait to go back to brave the Class II’s!

I’m gonna mail this out before another week passes. Just realized I meant to write about “The Teenage Liberation Handbook.” I’ll have to save it for another letter.

I’ll say this, though—I get it! I cannot argue with the logic of most of this book. I wish I never went to school. It almost makes me want to have kids so I can not send them to school.

I’m returning your 50 bucks because your driving instructor should have told you that the driver alone is responsible for driving…well…responsibly. Plus, the ticket was only 77 dollars, which is a small price to pay for a fun weekend.

Please don’t try to send me $38.50, as I’ll only send it right back.

So long for now.

Yours,

Jeff

At least he wasn’t mad at me. I promptly called and invited him to visit me and my family in Prattsburgh in July.

≈

In June, my family somehow got head lice. I panicked. I know that many people all over the world get lice and then subsequently get rid of them, but that was a difficult concept for me to grasp at the time. My situation was way more serious than most people’s: if my family did not get rid of their lice, and soon, I would be forced to tell Jeff that he probably shouldn’t visit us on July 15.

Telling him not to come was not an option. So far, the bugs had spread from my dad to my mom, and then on to my two younger brothers and my sister. I hadn’t gotten them, and I didn’t plan to.

“I’m sorry, but for the next four weeks, you can’t hug me,” I announced to my family around the third week of June. “Also, my personal towel is hidden away in the bathroom; please don’t use it. I’m not going to lean back on the couch or in the car, either. I am not going to get lice.” I never did get them, either.

But for the next month, my family continued to harbor the disgusting bugs. My dad combed them out of my mom’s hair, my mom combed them out of my brothers’ hair, I combed them out of my sister’s hair, and the unfortunate lice all met their doom in small bowls of alcohol that we emptied down the toilet. My mom and dad didn’t want to use the chemical de-lousing shampoo, so for three weeks we combed. After a while, we started finding fewer and fewer bugs, but still there were some every day.

It takes six days for a louse eggs to hatch and turn into a fully-grown lice, which meant that for a full six days before Jeff’s visit, we had to be lice-free—otherwise, the quarantine would still be in effect. On July sixth, we found five lice. On July seventh, we found two. And then on July eighth, we found none, and there were no more lice after that. Jeff arrived on the fifteenth of July, as planned, and not until many months afterward did he learn one of the reasons why I was so relieved to see him.

Jeff stayed for five days, and we had a great time. We took bike rides, he skipped stones in the pond with my brothers, we went swimming and dived off the raft, and we took an overnight camping trip to Ithaca, where Jeff had gone to college. But even on the fourth day of his visit, I couldn’t tell how he felt about me. For six months I’d had a crush on him, and it hadn’t gone away at all. I kept telling myself, “He’s way older than me,” because after a while that seemed to be the only obstacle in the way of us having a romantic relationship, unless, of course, he didn’t like me back.

“But also,” I told myself, “you’re going away to Europe. If you decide to ride cross-country with him in ’99, then you can tell him. For now, just keep it inside.” So I did, and I managed to have a lot of fun anyway.

On the last night of Jeff’s visit, we took a walk up our mountain to Block School Road, which is part of the vast network of unpaved roads that connect the tiny communities in the Finger Lakes region of New York. That night, July 18, we walked down the road in the twilight after the sun set behind the cornfields. I did cartwheels and tried to get Jeff to do them too. He laughed and refused, and tried to get me to swagger like some character in a movie I’d never heard of. We looked for blackberries and peeked inside the old Block Schoolhouse, which closed its doors in the 1800’s. I’ve always wanted a best friend, I thought. Someone like Jeff…

Finally, we walked quietly back to the top of our mountain and sat there in the darkness, in the grass that was beginning to get soaked with dew. The stars were out, and it was a warm night. “See the lights over there?” one of us asked, just to fill the silence. We could see the houses twinkling dimly on the next ridge, but mostly it was just the sky—huge and amazingly full of emptiness. Then there was a shooting star.

“Did you see that?” Jeff asked, but before I could answer, there was another. We watched for awhile longer. A dog barked, and I shivered a little.

“It’s getting cold,” I observed unnecessarily. I stood up to look down into the dark valley. Mist was rising in soft billows. Then I sat down again, and as I did, Jeff’s arm went around my shoulders—awkwardly, gently, naturally. We looked out over the world, into the sky, out to the stars and the Milky Way, and I leaned against him and felt little prickles of happiness inside.

Right then, I knew (and knew that he knew) that something was different between us. Nothing had happened—and yet everything had. The air changed somehow. It was still scented with cornfields and clover and dew, but suddenly it was also alive and electric. We sat for a long time, talking and laughing as usual although we both knew that it wasn’t usual. The stars got brighter, and it was like that night in Virginia at the very beginning of my bike trip when I had stared up at the comet Hyakutake and contemplated my smallness in the universe. It was funny, though. Somehow, with Jeff’s arm around my shoulder, it was as if I were bigger than anything I had ever imagined before.

Eventually we started down toward the house, but first we had to go through the pine forest, a dense, deep mini-forest that allowed no light to penetrate its canopy. Laughing, I reached for Jeff’s hand as he reached for mine, and our fingers intertwined perfectly as we stumbled into the trees. “Watch out!” I said, as a branch whipped back. Jeff ducked in time, and we kept going down.

Halfway through the pines, we stumbled into a tiny clearing and paused in the pool of moonlight. I looked back at Jeff’s face. He was looking at me, his eyes so gentle. No one had ever looked at me in that way before.

I had to look away. Suddenly I was nervous. What if he tries to kiss me? I thought frantically. I’ve never kissed anyone before, and I don’t know how. Sometime soon I would try it, but not now. Giggling, I pulled him out of the clearing, through the rest of the pines, and out and down through the upper field to the house.

That night I slept in the same bed I always slept in, and my sister breathed regular breaths next to me just like she always did. But something was different. That electricity I had felt on the top of the mountain was not going away.

The next morning, as Jeff and I ate breakfast with my family, I wondered if the previous night had been a dream. When it came time for Jeff to go, I knew it hadn’t been. I’d forgotten that he would have to leave, and now it was harder than I had expected, as we stood hugging in the living room. All I wanted to do was hug him all day, or maybe forever. How different this was from the bike trip, when we’d chatted and joked and I’d never felt such an irresistible wanting for this man! And yet, I couldn’t imagine ever going back to how it had been before.

Neither of us spoke. We’d barely talked at all since last night, maybe because neither of us knew what to say. After a while, we walked out to Jeff’s car and hugged again.

“I don’t want you to go!” I finally blurted out.

“I don’t want to, either,” he said, brushing my face lightly with his fingers. “I wish I didn’t have to.” I thought I might melt right there. Maybe those storybook descriptions of love weren’t exaggerations after all. Jeff brushed my hair away. The wind blew it back, and he stroked my face again. I couldn’t look at him, and I buried my head in his chest. Suddenly I knew that he wanted to kiss me. I realized, also, that this time I didn’t object. I lifted my face to look at him, and then gently, ever so lightly, he kissed my lips, which promptly began tingling incredibly. And then he was in his car, and then he was gone, leaving me with tingling lips and a dizzyness in my head that seemed to cloud every thought but one: I’m in love!

≈

“I’m in love!” I’d never been in love before, had not even the vaguest concept of what it would feel like, but now I knew that I was, without a doubt, in love.

I had to tell my parents, and I wondered if they would mind the age gap between us. “Of course I don’t mind!” my mother said. “I’ve been waiting for you to realize this for a year now!”

“Of course I like him!” rumbled my dad. “There’s nothing not to like!”

“I’m in love,” I kept telling my friends, who were really very nice about the fact that I could suddenly converse about only one topic: Jeff. “I finally understand what all the songs on the radio are talking about.”

Jeff and I started up a brisk e-mail conversation, since we wouldn’t see each other till late August: my parents were going on a two-week trip together (and I’d be baby-sitting for my younger brothers and sister), and then Jeff was going to Cape Cod for a week with his family.

My dad kept saying, “Sara’s not jet lagged, she’s Jeff Lagged!” I laughed along with everyone else, but I wished that Jeff and I could just be together already.

≈

The problem with that was the small matter of my upcoming four- to six-month trip through Europe, that I’d been planning for a year and for which I’d already purchased plane tickets. “And anyway,” people kept saying, “You’re still young. You shouldn’t cancel your travel plans because of a Man. You’re too young to go in so deep.”

I knew what these well-meaning friends meant: I shouldn’t act impulsively in the throes of passion and make a decision that I would regret later. So I kept my plane tickets, and visited Jeff in Virginia once before I left. Then he came up to New Jersey to see me off, and I flew away over the Atlantic, toward London, thinking of nothing except for how awful it felt to be heading farther and farther away from my true love. “I’ll wait for you,” he’d told me. But I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to be with him now.

England was amazing; I couldn’t deny that. Emily and I traveled around for two weeks, admiring history that we’d never experienced before. We gazed in awe at hedgerows that had been growing in the same places, next to the same houses, since before the American Revolution. But still, I couldn’t fully appreciate what I was seeing because I wanted to be home—with Jeff.

And so, despite this opportunity for amazing travel, barely two weeks went by before I started to think that I couldn’t stay away much longer. I e-mailed Jeff from my friend’s flat in London, and told him how much I wanted to be home, but how badly I would feel about leaving Emily if I did make the choice to come back early. “What do you think I should do?” I asked him in desperation. The next day, he wrote back.

…My response to that is, come home. I hate missing you and this communication blackout. We are at the beginning of a very wonderful relationship, and we’re just sitting here in suspended animation. I want to see you, to talk to you, to hug you and hold you and kiss you.

I suspect, however, that my response is somewhat selfish. I don’t want you to harm your friendship with Emily. But really, I just don’t know. Selfishness aside, I can try to look at this in as reasonable and objective a manner as possible.

You know how we’re always saying how lucky we are, and how grand life is? Well, sometimes luck runs out. I really believe that if there were a way to quantify and qualify experiences, we would discover that “good” things happen exactly as often as “bad” things. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, but the other shoe always drops, to mix some metaphors. What if something happens to one of us or to someone important to us? What if our blissful romance is disrupted by something out of our control? Shouldn’t we be doing everything in our power to take advantage of our unique love to one another? As distant as the day seems now, soon enough we will be pushing up the daisies. A morbid thought, perhaps, but one always worth considering. I believe the Latin version of this sentiment is Carpe Diem.

So if you’re willing to accept the fact that I am being completely selfish, come home. I want us to be together. But not necessarily at the expense of your friendship with Emily. I can’t really help you there, as it is really between the two of you. Just examine your feelings carefully, and talk things through with her.

But all I really want to say is: come home. We’ll go back to Europe together, and enjoy it all the more by sharing the experience together.

You have no idea how much I hope that I’m advising the right thing. I don’t want us to make a mistake here.

I love you,

Jeff

Four weeks later, I flew home. Jeff was at the gate, waiting for me just like he said he would. I didn’t regret my decision at the time, and I’ve never regretted it since.

For the rest of the fall ’98 and winter ’99, Jeff and I visited each other as often as we could (every two or three weeks), and wished we could be together more. On February 14, ’99, we decided to get engaged, although we had no clear wedding plans yet. All we knew was that we wanted to be together forever.

≈

Jeff was serious about wanting to take another bike trip, and we were both serious about wanting to be together. The logical thing, then, was for me to come on the bike trip too. We couldn’t leave till July, because of various schedule conflicts, and in the meantime our “commute” between New Jersey and Virginia was getting more and more tedious. In March, I asked my mom what she thought about me moving in with Jeff—was it too soon? Was it a mistake to move in with someone when I’d never lived on my own before?

My mom, besides the fact that she wanted me to be happy, was sick of me mooning around the house in between Jeff’s visits. “…No, I don’t think it’s too soon to move in with him,” she said. “The real danger in moving in with someone too soon is that you need to have the knowledge that you could live on your own if you wanted to. It wouldn’t be the right time if you felt like you’d be dependent on Jeff. But you know you can take care of yourself. You’ve traveled across the country on your bike, and you took care of yourself all the way. No, I don’t think it’s too soon.”

On April 5, 1999, I went down to Virginia with a couple of suitcases, and found a job for three months while we figured out our next adventure

≈

The Southwest. When Jeff and I were planning the trip, those two words conjured up images of red rock canyons, barren desert, towering cacti, and the colorful sandstone formations you see on the covers of guidebooks. This time we didn’t have Adventure Cycling maps, just AAA road maps, so we sort of had to squint to see Zion and Bryce National Parks. Also, the distances between populated areas seemed a lot shorter on the map than they turned out to be while riding. But a bicycle journey through America’s southwest promised so much—a desert or two that neither of us had ever seen, scenery beyond words, and of course—like on all bike trips—wonderful people. So practicality be damned (we were seasoned cycletourists, after all), we formed a vague list of destinations that caught our fancy, leaving the itinerary wide open in case we changed our mind about anything.

Four and a half months later, we had ridden down the coast of Oregon and California, pedaled through southern Idaho, and explored the southwestern states of Arizona, Utah and Nevada. The days were getting shorter, and I especially was ready to be home—even though we didn’t know just where “home” would turn out to be. In late December, we flew back to the east coast to spend the holidays with our families.

Forty Two– …Till the End of Our Time

After our Southwest trip, Jeff and I decided to move to Boston. The city was small enough to be manageable, it was relatively near our families (in Connecticut and New Jersey), and also, we were sick of trying to figure out where to live. We moved into our apartment in January, during the first big snowstorm of the season, and slept on our camping pads on the floor because we hadn’t gotten the bed out of storage yet. Jeff got a job at the Museum of Science, I began babysitting and giving piano lessons, and we started to get to know Boston. Finally, in the autumn of 2000 we started planning our wedding.

We wanted to get married, we decided, because we wanted witnesses. Back in February ’99 we had made the commitment to each other. Getting married would mean stating that commitment in front of 135 of our nearest and dearest family and friends. We wanted a wedding that would be simple, and we wanted it to be our own. We wrote the ceremony and our vows, we planned a menu that I and many friends would help to cook, and we rented the Cook College Gardens at Rutgers University in New Jersey so that we could have the wedding outside. We chose Sunday, June 3, 2001 for our wedding day, and we sent out invitations (mostly created by Jeff) with a bicycle motif. My mother became a minister so that she could perform the ceremony.

The week before the Big Day, I went down to my parents’ house to cook and prepare. It rained all week, but I refused to get upset. “If it’s gonna rain, it’s gonna rain,” Jeff kept saying, “and all your worrying won’t help that!” Jeff was right, so mostly I didn’t worry. He came down to NJ on Wednesday, we got our marriage license, and by Saturday everything was ready for the next day.

But on Sunday it was still raining. It was the first time all week that I’d allowed myself to bum out about the weather, but finally I almost cried. And then at 9:00, the sun came out to welcome as gorgeous a wedding day as we could have asked for.

Everything went amazingly smoothly. We’d hired some friends to help out, and around 9:30 they left for the Gardens with a van full of food and utensils and tablecloths and water dispensers. Around 10:00, Jeff and I drove over too. (We discussed the possibility of riding in on our bikes, but the logistics were too complicated.) We took photos with our families, set up the stereo with the special mix CD’s that Jeff had made, and made sure everything else was going well. And then it was almost noon, and Jeff and I went into the woods for a walk, just the two of us.

As we walked, I teased him: “You sure you want to do this?” Then we practiced reading our parts of the ceremony to each other. My soon-to-be-husband cried as I read to him, as we stumbled up the mossy path, and then I cried as he read to me, and then we both laughed because we were both crying at the same time. We kissed each other and Jeff teased me: “You sure you wanna take the plunge?”

And then, in a moment that was both infinitely long and two seconds short, we were walking across the patio and into the pavilion where my parents were singing “Heart and Soul” and all our friends and family were clapping and cheering. One hundred and thirty five of our dearest friends in the world were in that pavilion: our families, and Wyeth, and friends from NJ and CT and Boston, and then there were our bike trip friends: Lili and Jack and Ron and Karen. Alice from Portland had sent her best wishes, and so had Julie and Bryan, Eric and Lorette, and Dick and Laura from Zion.

I squeezed Jeff’s hand as I looked out at all those wonderful people all in one place, as I heard their applause, felt their love, watched my parents singing together. When the music was done, each of our family members did something special. My eight-year-old brother Loren sang an extremely cute (if off-key) rendition of “L’chaim,” my brother Jake read a poem, Jeff’s sister Celeste sang “Annie’s Song,” Jeff’s dad read a poem, my mother spoke, my sister read, and our dads performed a surprise duet of “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof that left no one with dry eyes. After that, Jeff and I told each other, in front of all those people, how much we love each other.

And then we walked over to the gardens. Everybody was given a program, and inside we had printed the things that we were about to promise each other. Each of our 135 wedding guests read our vows aloud:

Jeff,

do you promise to love and respect Sara,

To trust her and be trustworthy,

To care for and be kind to her,

To have fun and laugh and enjoy life with her,

To be honest and open with her,

To honor and recognize her individuality,

To grow and learn with her forever,

Till the end of your time?

Jeffrey Russell Amaral, do you promise all those things to Sara?

“Oh, I do!” Jeff whispered to me, his eyes full of tears. “I do!” he said confidently, aloud to everyone else.

Then everyone asked me.

Sara,

do you promise to love and respect Jeff,

To trust him and be trustworthy,

To care for and be kind to him,

To have fun and laugh and enjoy life with him,

To be honest and open with him,

To honor and recognize the differences between you,

To grow and learn with him forever,

Till the end of your time?

Sarabeth Matilsky, do you promise all those things to Jeff?

“Yes I do!” I said, and I was laughing as my eyes turned into gushing fountains, too.

As the sun shone and our friends cried, my mom said, “I now pronounce you wife and husband! And now,” she added, “the bride may kiss the groom!”

≈

The day after our wedding, we drove up to Prattsburgh, NY to my family’s cabin—where, nearly two years ago, Jeff and I had “stepped thoughtfully into love.” In preparation for our two-week honeymoon-bike tour around the Finger Lakes, we packed our panniers in the living room. Then, on Friday morning, we rolled our trusty steeds out into the sunshine and down the driveway to the road.

“Are you ready?” I asked Jeff.

“Yup,” he answered.

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you too, wife!”

“…Husband!”

We smiled at each other, and then together we pedaled onto Route 53 and up our first mountain.

Afterword

Nate Baker sent a note (no return address) to my mail drop in Colorado in June 1997. He wrote that after we parted ways in Illinois, he rode up to Minnesota and would spend the rest of the summer with relatives. In 1998, he planned to continue his cross-country ride and arrive at the coast of Oregon at the beginning of summer. He said he'd be praying for me.

Wyeth spent three years out in Sheridan, Wyoming after he finished his and Jeff’s cross-country adventure, working at the Sheridan Daily Press. While there, he met a lovely woman named Donna who became his wife on May 25, 2002.

Abbey and Bill flew home safely from Denver in July '97 after their month-long jaunt through Kansas and Colorado. Bill is happily sailing his sailboat in Florida; Abbey graduated from college and is now working at a sports club in Connecticut.

Roel Mazure reached San Francisco on August 25, ’97. He is currently alive and well in the Netherlands, and in October ‘98 I visited him and his girlfriend Claudia in their new apartment in Rotterdam.

Alice and Dale reached Eugene at the beginning of August, and prepared to ride to the coast the next day; friends and family had planned a welcoming party in Florence. But pedaling out of the city, Alice’s bike hit a pylon, sending her sprawling onto the shoulder. Although she went to the hospital, she escaped with only bruises. Her bicycle wasn’t so lucky—it landed under the wheels of a thundering semi truck, which pretzeled the wheel and the rear half of the frame. Her helmet broke in two pieces at the force of impact, and since it was still under warranty, Bell Helmets, Inc. sent her a little card along with replacement headgear: “Welcome to the Saved-by-the-Bell Club!” At the end of August, Alice mounted her bike again and she and Dale officially completed their ride across America.

Lili and Jack reached the Washington coast at the end of July 1997. In December ’98, we finally got together and shared two evenings of pictures and stories and memories of our trips across the country. In the spring of 1999, they visited Jeff and me in Jeff's apartment in Virginia, and we got to host some real, live bicycle tourists in our living room. Luckily, we remembered how much food bicyclists can eat, and we made an adequately large bowl of pasta.

Charles Wagner, the quiet man with whom I rode through some of Colorado and most of Wyoming, never wrote to me. The letter I sent to him was returned, “no known address,” but I saw his name in several logbooks and I assume that he finished his trip in Oregon.

I met up with Jesse and Daniel in Eugene before camp. They rode in on schedule, despite some mechanical difficulties that necessitated hitchhiking for a day. After NBTSC, Jesse traveled for a year, and now lives in Eugene, OR with his wife and baby. Daniel went back to his family’s ranch, where he is currently working, building a house, and happily snowboarding.

And lastly, the kitten that Abbey rescued is living with the Peach family in Rush Center, Kansas. “…Originally named ‘Princess,’ we soon found out that ‘she’ was a prince,” Susan wrote. “We have renamed him Matt the Catt.” In the accompanying photograph, Matt looks happy and healthy quite a bit larger than when he rolled up to the Peaches’ in my handlebar bag.

©2002 Sarabeth Matilsky

Index

Part One – The Beginning

Prologue

One – The First Ride

Two – How it All Began

Three – Forgetting

Four – Too Many Dogs

Five – Letters

Mom

April, age 11

Six – The Day I Met a Beauty Queen

Seven – Nate

Eight – Bizarre Incidents

Nine – Some Hope for Humanity

Ten – Letters

Sarabeth

Mom

April

Eleven – The Final Straw

Twelve – Figuring Things Out

Part Two – Shifting Gears

Thirteen – Riding With Dad

Fifteen – Crossing the Mississippi

Sixteen – The Turtle Squad

Seventeen – A Rolling Community

Eighteen – Another Woman on Wheels

Nineteen – For All The People Who Said They Couldn't

Twenty – The Prairie

Twenty One – Some New Riding Partners, Including A Cat

Twenty Two – Letters

Sarabeth

April

Lili and Jack

Twenty Three – Straight, Straight Roads

Twenty Four – The Turtle Squad Scatters

Twenty Five – My Life

Twenty Six – Wyoming: "Like No Place On Earth"

Twenty Seven – Letters

Mom

Dad

Part Three – "I do it for the Joy it Brings"

Twenty Eight – Inspiration

Twenty Nine – The Grand Tetons

Thirty – Yellowstone National Park

Thirty One – Letters

Mom

Thirty Two – Jesse and Daniel

Thirty Three – Kids on Bikes

Thirty Four – What to Do…

Thirty Five – Was it a Bear?

Thirty Six – "Where are the Women?"

Thirty Seven – What it's Like to Cycle in Hell

Thirty Eight – Pedaling Toward Self-Confidence

Thirty Nine – Really and Truly Alone

Forty – Home on the Road

Part Four – And by the Way, I’m in Love

Forty One – The End and A Beginning

Forty Two– …Till the End of Our Time

Afterword